Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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pam96 02/20/2010

My daughter is on the phone with her father right now & the entire conversation is about the wonderful, newly renovated house that he & the ow purchased together & how she (my daughter) will get to help paint her room, blah, blah, blah...
I got up & nonchalantly, left the room.. I could still here her talking to him, so I turn on the exhaust fan above the stove to drown it out...
I feel like a horrible parent to her because I cannot partake in the "joy" of THEIR new house. My daughter has even pointed out that I am less than enthusiastic for her but I know she is too young to understand. (She is 10).. .Sigh.. I hope the whole thing caves down around them while my daughter is home with me...
We were having an enjoyable evening till now & I know it will take awhile for me to shake the "who gives a shit" feeling...

totallychaotic247 02/20/2010

((((Pam))))

patti22 02/20/2010

Are you aweful for leaving the room and not doing or saying something that you'd regret?? NO

Hugs.

pam96 02/20/2010

Thanks guys.. Although I would never do it, sometimes I just wish I could explain my side of things so that she would understand.. but I never will...

deleted_user 02/20/2010

You aren't awful. You are human. It is hurtful to hear your daughter talk about the happy things involving your ex and the ow. It is very understandable. Your daughter doesn't understand it now, but some day she will. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. You'd never take it out on your daughter and that is the best thing you can do for her and you. It shows what a caring mom you are. That is the important point here. Everyone keeps telling me to wait for Karma to come back to my ex and the ow. I hope that works for you too!!

pam96 02/20/2010

I love karma.. :) It took 8 years for karma to catch up with my oldest daughter's father... It was ironic that I was the first person he called & cried to that the woman he had cheated on me with had cheated on, got pregnant by & had left him for the other guy.. I actually felt a little bad for him.. just a little though...

patti22 02/20/2010

You don't have to explain everything, but you can acknowledge to your daughter that you're hurting. You can explain conflicted feelings. How someone can be happy for another person (you happy for your daughter) and sad at the same time.

I'd put it like this: If I had a dog and couldn't keep him, I'd want him to go to a new home. I'd be happy that the dog was happy there. But I'd still miss him. And that sometimes hearing about the dog having fun would make me sad.

Hugs.

pam96 02/20/2010

I appreciate what you're saying Patti.. but that might lead her back to tell him that I am sad because of their new house.. I can't give him that satisfaction.
I do not want him to have any thought that what he does affects me in the least. My self preservation.. my pride.. I don't know.. but I can't. So I keep it inside & vent on here or to a few friends.. Works better that way. :)

deleted_user 02/20/2010

I know it is difficult, but I got to a point where I was able to down play, if not negate, my resentment by accepting and embracing how happy the children were, when they were discussing those types of things.

Not awful at all. And she isn't asking you to partake in the joy of their new house, she is asking you to validate and feel her happiness, as painting is fun and feeling included is important for a 10 year old... To see that shared excitement of your face would make her day. If you have to force it, force it. But what you get back from your little one is worth its weight in gold. It's like a child opening up a box of candy and wants you to have a piece, so that they can feel good about themselves and what they have shared.

In time it won't hurt so much, won't feel forced.

Hugs

patti22 02/20/2010

My kids are 7 and 9, and I've used more or less the same story with them. I use it to explain how I both miss them when they're gone, and hope they're having a good time. And I think that it helps them deal with the fact that they both miss me, and have a good time also. It really cuts both ways.

But don't use it if it doen't work for you. We all have to find our own way through this.

patti22 02/20/2010

Drop the house out of the equation. Aren't you really more unhappy that your daughter's going to get something nice but you won't be there to be a part of it? Forget the house. It's your daughter that you love!

pam96 02/20/2010

It's not that I'm not a part of something that makes her happy.. I'm glad she's happy... I'm just not glad the two of them are happy.. & I know it sounds bad but it still pisses me off that they play "happy little family" with our daughter..
There are conflicting feelings of course, cause I am glad that she treats my daughter well as opposed to how he treated my oldest daughter when we were together.
I guess it boils down to my being unhappy that they appear to have the perfect life when all three of us (me, him & the ow) know the truth of at what cost.

deleted_user 02/20/2010

I know that feeling and it cuts oh so deep. Of course you are glad she is happy... it's just tough to separate the two. Fake a smile and throw in a "how cool" or something. End the dialogue right there. I only mentioned that because you mentioned that she has recognized your lack of enthusiasm. That's all. But by no means are you awful. Hell no.

Ugh. I remember that feeling. I still get it. It softens after a while. (((pam)))

pam96 02/20/2010

Thanks Juliet.. I'm so good at the fake smile.. I think there should be an academy award given to all us single moms that have to fake the smile...lol

deleted_user 02/20/2010

I don't think you are awful at all. I want to throw up every time my stbx (look at me using the acronym!) picks up our 18 mo old for visitation and she grins and says "dada!". I try to remember that I am the one who provides the substantiative things in her daily life, and even if she won't necessarily thank me for the organic milk etc. I am the one who is largely helping her be the best little person she can be. I am sure that is what you are doing as well. Stay strong.

pam96 02/20/2010

Oh tired.. I cannot even imagine how much strength it would take to hand oven my infant.. THAT, I would struggle with!!

(((HUGS))) to you..

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