Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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LostAlone 02/24/2017

Well I feel like shit. Married 31 years, 3 years ago was clobbered over the head as wife blurts out she's thinking of divorcing because she's not happy. Hit's me with everything she feels I do wrong, how bad I was at sex, told friends and family I was the cause, truly ripped me apart. 3 days later tells me she flying to be with a man she's been talking to on-line for past 3 months. She stays there a week and comes back, leaves for a couple of more days with him a month later. Then again 6 months after that. I take everything she blamed me for and own it internally, accept that her unhappiness is all my fault. I change everything about me she doesn't like. Which really means, I give her everything she wants without question, agree with everything she says, go anywhere she wants when she wants, always smile while doing it. Always doing something for her to show I care, back messages, cards, daily love texts, flowers, good gifts for birthdays, anniversary, holidays, etc. Never talked about her leaving me, was aware she kept that relationship going through phone calls and messages but she tried to keep it secret so I kept my mouth closed. This went on 3 years. During that time we never fought or argued, hell we never argued or fought before this started. She never came back to me emotionally the whole 3 years. Sex happened once maybe every 6 months and on her time line of, hey, do you want sex. Talk about pressure, as I can't stop hearing her words to me how bad at sex I am.

Now the reason I'm reaching out, on Valentines Day she tells me she's rented an apartment in town for 6 months, she needs time by herself to figure how to make herself happy (she does suffer with depression) and to determine what she wants in life, she wants the answer we all want to know. "What's the purpose of my life", only she believe she should have an answer. Me being me, still trying to hold on, I say, I understand, I don't start any arguments, I'm helping her move, we're keeping banking accounts shared, she will retain keys to the house and I will be here waiting. Made it easy for her by face timing our adult children together and staying we both decided to separate, because we lost something in our marriage and we hope by this separation we will be able to find it. What crap that is, we decided nothing, I was told how it's gonna be.

I love her, I've always felt it my responsibility to provide for her, to take care of her, and do what I can to bring her happiness or lift her spirits. Just calling it quits feels so wrong and feels like I just gave up on her. I am depressed, I'm lost, I force myself to eat, can't focus at work, mad, sick to stomach, want to hurt myself - not suicide, just inflict pain to take away this emotional pain even for a few minutes. I don't talk to anyone (friend, friends) about how I feel, I just keep it inside. Always want to just sleep, but it takes hours to fall asleep and it's very restless. I know I need to vent, that why I'm posting this message.

Chimere78 02/24/2017

I know exactly how you feel. I can't sleep at night and when I do I pray to God not to wake me up the next morning. Work is affected to. Sometimes I wonder why God even created us to have emotions. Each day we get through we just have to be thankful as hard as it is. Someday.....someday we will get through the pain. Hopefully sooner than later.

LostAlone 02/24/2017

Yes, Chimere78, you get it, as do most of the people on here that post. I know my pain is self induced. I know that takes time, but fuck it hurts watching her bop around like shit is going good, then cry and tell me she's sad. I suck it up, no crying for me allowed. I have the pleasure of moving her stuff into her apartment tomorrow, so tomorrow night will be my first night alone. I'm not a big drinker but tomorrow night will be an exception. As I sit alone in our house, wondering where it went wrong, what should I seen or done earlier, imagining what she's doing and praying for God to help me.

tabatha 02/24/2017

I am very sorry this is happening to you. I am the same way I don't want to give up but you can not control another person so as I should take my own advice when is it time for you to be happy? Sounds like it should have been your time already but I know how scary it is to make such a huge change. I'm still hoping there is a chance for my marriage to be saved but in the back of my mind I wonder if I'm better off without him ... you do need to talk don't hold in so keep posting on this site... we all understand

jojored 02/24/2017

I'm going to be blunt. From what I read, I think the biggest issue in the relationship is a huge imbalance of power, and your codependent behavior in allowing it to continue. It should never be all about one person satisfying the needs of the other. You sacrafice everything, with one eye closed to her infidelity, yet will sit and wait for 6 months for her to change or come to her senses? You have to find your own power in life, do something to assert yourself. Your needs matter, or should matter to her. Figure out if this relationship is able to stand on it's own two feet as a give-and-take relationship. If it can't, it can't. It took me a really long time to see how codependent stbx and I were, and not that I see it, it sickens me. We met in 1983 and the codependency started immediately. Never again. I hope you figure things out. Take good care.

kbbcoop77 02/24/2017

Jojored exactly...somewhere the OP needs to "grow a pair" so to speak and get some self esteem rolling. And if she's sleeping around she could give you an STD. My wife dumped me after 24 years but wanted to live in the house for several months to save up money ..3 weeks of that hell I told her to leave. If they're "out" then they're out. There's no halfway.

lookingforclosure 02/25/2017

LostAlone, you need to immediately cut her off financially - speaking from experience here, she will spend with no thought of how it will impact you - to include spending that "joint" money with her boyfriend. If she wants to be separated, then SEPARATE! You said it yourself, she dictated the rules for you, and you obliged like a beat puppy. Not bashing you, I did the same thing - and guess how that turned out. "she needs time by herself to figure how to make herself happy (she does suffer with depression) and to determine what she wants in life," Wake up! Again, not trying to bash you (I went through/did the same thing) but notice how you defended her by including her 'depression'? Since when has being alone helped depression? She needs time by herself to see if she can make it on her own/with a boyfriend (but holding onto the joint funds/united front for the kids). She has been slowly killing you with this for three years. The problem at the beginning was that she was afraid to make the decision between you and the boyfriend (sure thing vs. gambling for the jackpot), but the longer it goes on, and you help ease the transition - the more he becomes just as much a sure thing as you are. Force her to make the decision. Yes, it will cause a venemous barrage of more blistering lists of why you are the problem that drove her to him (don't buy any of that - there may have been issues with your marriage, but apparently not bad enough to, I don't know, TALK about them before screwing around for 3 years?). That's just blameshifting/justification for the damage she did to the marriage by cheating. Stick to the decision, she comes back and works on the marriage with no contact to "outside influences", or truly move on to the life she dreams of with her boyfriend (and if he dumps her, you won't be waiting to take her back.). Yes, it's an ultimatum, and its drastic....but your marriage is a disaster right now, which needs extreme attention from both of you, not just one of you while the other "figures herself out." The biggest problem, I know, is that you're wondering, what if she says, "fine, I choose him" - at some point, you have to be ready to face that and accept it, because believe me, brother, you let this go on too much longer, that very notion will actually be a relief. She finally made the decision, because right now you are like a slave to her indecision. This rant is all just what you make of it/my advice - understand if you ignore it all, but the one thing I highly recommend is you cut off any financial support. Yes, she'll be angry, "I thought we agreed..." but if she gets to change her mind, you get to change yours, too. Wish you well.

mirandac 02/25/2017

I hope you are in therapy to talk about All those issues
and join a divorce care group.

DC Will help you with the grieving process. She Sounds
like A long checked out spouse that is disconnected
mentally, Morally And Emotionally from you and the
marriage. I would protect myself legally and sexually
From her actions and behaviors.

Keep reaching out for help and support to get thru this
from loving caring healthy supportive people.

Emotional pain, rejection and abandonment Hurt a lot,
there is one way and that is thru it. Same with Grieving
its very pain filled but it must be faced and Worked thru
or it all just festers deep inside.

I would go to support groups, therapist, get honest
and get Healthy Just for you. HUGS

LostAlone 02/27/2017

Some of you who replied really suck. You didn't pull your punch and it was hard reading. Thank you for your blunt advice to my message. I do accept that I need to "grow a pair" and take back my power. I have coddled to her feelings, but because I also learned she can't take confrontation. She will simply walk away rather then deal with fighting for our relationship. A person who read my message/post recommended I looked at a site to see if what my wife was doing and how she was behaving was perhaps a mid-life crisis. After reading various threads, posts, articles and such, I'm convinced that the change in my wife is classic mid-life crisis for her. Doesn't mean that knowing what she's going through will be a fix or answer to our relationship. I still moved everything she wanted from the house into her apartment this weekend and spent my first night alone in the house last night. What I was able to do this weekend was to talk to my wife and explain what she's been doing to me, how she's been treating me, etc, etc. I also told her I wasn't giving up, that this time apart is for her to figure out what she wants in life. If she decides she wants us, I told her that I would only accept it if she was able to show me she can't connect to me romantically and emotionall. That any on- line or off line relationships she has must be completely done and over.

LostAlone 02/27/2017

Thanks ChelsealLeigh, I hear and understand what you saying. I had that wonderful and amazing relationship with my wife and that's why, I've put up with so much. I want that relationship back. I also know myself. I need her to say we are done as husband and wife, that way I will never have the feeling I gave up on the marriage. I can then live having no doubts that maybe I gave up to soon. She loves me, I know it. But it's not the love of a spouse, it may never return, and I understand that.

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