Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello everyone. My wife of 38 years and love of my life for 41 moved in with her daughter on April 2nd. She says she is confused about how she feels and does not know if she wants to fix things. I have offered to do anything I can to keep us together, including making changes. I am lost, alone, and depressed. I love her so much. I thought I would try a support group to see if I would feel better talking with others in my situation. Can't travel now to visit my sister or brother. Don't know what to say to our son.
I got upset because, after social distancing for 3 weeks, pretty much by ourselves, she decided to go out and talk with the mailman on our front step with no masks by either of them. That was the last draw. I have a quick temper, but was co nbm cerned for her health and mine.. we are both in high risk group. Now I am seeing a psychologist for my temper, but she us at her daughter's, who never liked me.
She told me when she left that she was not sure she ever really loved me - that she may have married me because I was so good with her 3 year old daughter when we met, and that she stuck it out for perception of family and friends. Her first husband had an affair with a lady painting their home and, when I asked why back around 1990, she told me that he did not think she knew how to show feelings. That is what I have felt many times during our marriage. This would sometimes lead to frustration on my part that would sometimes escalate to anger. The final straw with her was when I got upset because, after 3 weeks of taking all steps possible to avoid the covid virus (having groceries delivered to the trunk, constantly cleaning our hands and items we touched, greatly limiting contact with others and wearing masks when we had to be around others, etc.) she decided to go out and talk with the mailman on our front step - less than 3 feet away with no masks by either. At that time she was going to go to her daughters apartment for a couple of weeks, then a couple more days, then she told me she did not think she would be back.
Since leaving on April 2nd, my wife has visited about once a week. While here, she seems to be happy. We work in the yard, eat, take a walk, watch a movie, etc. But she always says the same thing when she leaves (she doesn't know how she feels, she's afraid that she might get stuck in the relationship again and not leave, and that she has her daughter (who hates me) to think about. Just about every time she comes, she takes some more clothes, shoes, etc. with her. On Thursday when she was here she took sandals. Yesterday (Sunday) she knew I would be in Cleveland with a friend for the day. I received a text that she was at the home getting summer clothes. I felt violated and was upset that she would not let me know in advance that she would be coming and that she would do so while she knew I was gone. However, I did not say anything to her.
Can anyone tell me why she might be coming to visit? I have been told by a friend that he thinks she is trying to let me down gradually. Another says that he thinks she is coming to work in the yard planting flowers and plants and not to see me.
Was I wrong to feel violated and get upset about her coming into the home without some advance arrangement?
Try to think positive, but do not be a fool either. Brace yourself for the worst, but also bear in mind that she may just have reached her limit and is very very mad, and once she cools off and realizes that she misses, anger takes time to diffuse.
Take time for yourself, make yourself happy and healthy, do things you like, that are good for your body, and mind. Try something you have always wanted to do, try to find a way to make your spirit more zen if you will, do not call and text everyday, give her space, she wants and requires it. Sometimes we need space to heal, and talking to someone about our issues helps us realize things and brings us back to the ones we love, no matter how angry we are. it takes TIME.... and PAtience.... which is difficult to do when you are waiting, but you must occupy your time and find hobbies and things without her, that you enjoy alone so that you don't sit around thinking and suffering emotionally while doing nothing, go for a walk, listen to music, watch a movie you like, do some stuff in the house that you know would make her happy, make those changes she wants, as long as they are healthy, and good, and reasonable, try and decide and use your judgement. You need to fight to bring her back, gently, fight for your love, and make peace with what the universe/god decides is to be the outcome.
As I said, if she needs space, give it to her, it may take a while, and you don't know how long it will be before she comes back or if she does, its ok to be alone, its ok to enjoy things alone, and to be feel sad, you are only human, and its normal to want to be loved, and respected, and appreciated with consideration.