Forgive me for not all the responses. I did read some of OP's responses. My concern is you are focusing on what you THINK she is feeling, thinking and what you think is wrong with her. There is NO WAY you can know for sure what is going on with her. And by supposing you know what's going on with her and the reasons why, you are doing both you and her a huge disservice.

In twelve step programs there is a step that encourages each person to focus on themselves by taking their own fearless and moral inventory and no one else's. IMHO, what you've written here is focusing on what you think is going on w/her instead of what is going on with you. I understand that the pain is unbearable and that's what we humans do - we shift the focus to something else.

The ONLY chance you have is to focus on YOU and you alone.

When someone drinks, even if they stop later, everyone around them gets sick (codependency & other dysfunctional behavior).

If the addict gets & stays sober but doesn't work an ongoing program and/or get long term therapy, then the addict is what they call a "dry drunk." And not much changes because the underlying cause of the addiction isn't being addressed and healed. More than likely some other addiction will surface and just as important, behaviors don't change. Codependency tends to run rampant in addicts and codependents. That causes a butt load of dysfunction in everyone.

If the addict stays sober and works a program and/or gets therapy, then the addict begins to heal and hopefully changes their dysfunctional behavior. The problem is when the SO and/or other family members don't get help, they are "left out" and lose their "place" or "role" in the family. And this causes all kinds of additional problems.

Regardless of what she does or doesn't do, I hope you are working your program, getting individual counseling with a qualified therapist and taking good care of yourself by focusing on you. This is the best thing you can do for you and for your kids.

~healing hugs~

Thank you for the responses, they all mean alot to me.

The drinking analogy is pretty good, considering I'm coming up on 20 years without a drink on April 1. Notice I didn't say sober? A funny thing happened along the way, I started enjoying all the gifts sobriety gave me. A beautiful wife, 4 great kids, nice home, etc., and suddenly didn't have time for meetings. Well, after a brutally painful week, I started going back this week.

She's had the flu this week, so I've been cleaning the house, taking care of the kids, cooking, bringing her soup, medicine, hot tea in bed. Not to win her back, but because it's what I WANT to do. If she decides she doesn't want to be with me, I know I have alot to offer someone else, but I will take care of myself, make myself feel better, believe me. I've gotten that spiritual peace back this week that I haven't had for a long, long time.

My ex was 30 years without a drink and did not attend AA
Until 2011. It was a little too late in the game for us. We
Still had an alcoholic marriage regardless of him not drinking,
He was dry our whole marriage too.

I should have been attending alanon myself and maybe we
Would Not be divorced now. I started in 2012, it has been the
Best thing for me. I could deal better with the fallout of the
Marriage.

We had many good years the bad started in 2003 and kept
Growing. Our life changed and i no longer pleased him in
Any way. He was in his glory when he started AA he was
At Home and really did not want to be with me any longer.

He became a toxic man and husband with no remorse
Or regrets. He had one emotional affair and then moved onto
To having an AA gf. He asked for a divorce so he could have
A better relationship with her.

((((((( hugs))))))))

I have to add this part, because it seems the event that convinced her that she's had enough -

I was struggling with deep depression. The doctor put me on an anti-depressant called Efexir. It help me in some areas, but there were severe sexual side effects for me. We literally went 2 years with sex because I had zero sexual drive/desire. My wife felt that she was the problem, that I wasn't attracted to her. That wasn't the case.

I used to feed the stray cats behind my work, and ran into a young lady who also was feeding them. We talked for a bit, and I found out through my coworkers that she kept asking about me. It felt good ego-wise, to have a young woman look at me that way.

So we started texting, and it got inappropriate. This lasted for several weeks. I decided to come clean to my wife before it got physical. Yes it was "exciting", but I also carried alot of guilt. I really did love my wife, and didn't want to hurt her. I never laid a finger on this woman, and she never touched me. That doesn't take from the fact I was still being deceitful, and "cheating" on my wife.

My wife mentioned tonight that she never really addressed it, and still thinks she doesn't have the whole story. I know it may be hard for some to believe, but on my children's souls, there was zero physical contact between us. My says she still has visions of us doing stuff together. I'm not the victim here, I acted inappropriate, but I've been faithful to my wife for the last 25 years. Wasn't always the best husband, but I was faithful.

And not, she says she may be making the biggest mistake of her life, but she needs to start dating other guys, to see how she feels about me/us/herself. Has anyone else felt like this? The need to date other people whole going through something like this, as the cure or answer to your problems?

Arent reversals a crazy thing? Just weeks ago you were in heaven, and now youre in hell. Its an unfortunate turn of events for you and Im sure everyones heart goes out to you.

But heres what you can do:

Realize that you are miles ahead of the rest of the pack. If it seems like others have their acts together, just think of everything you have been through. and all with a good heart (it is evident in your writing.) You have survived alcoholism, an affair, numerous marital problems, and rearing four kids one of whom is diabetic and the other suffers from addiction. You are a marvelous human being!

The other thing is to understand that while you no doubt contributed to your wife losing her love for you, it is mainly HER thing.

We dont know why people cant forgive. Its a mystery why some people can and some cant. But again: THIS IS PURELY *HER* LACK OF COMPASSION - and that is okay too - everyone has a choice.

It must be tempting to dwell in self-pity when you love your wife so much, and thus the tears. Soldiering on would entail a different attitude.

Learn to forgive yourself. Dig deep into a peaceful place inside, that comes from the reflection only an older man can possess.

You cant make your wife start loving you again, so you should cultivate non-attachment and hope for the best. She may come around yet. Dont be attached and secretly prepare for the road that lies ahead, which could mean forging a new relationship at some point.

You might consider finding a counselor or a break-up coach to talk to, as you will need periodic doses of fresh perspective.

You will be okay, I believe in you!

Another thing after reading your more recent threads.

I don't like that she is putting you through this. I really don't.

I know that you love her, but what she is doing to you is stringing you along.

Yes, your feelings matter. Yes, someone who says they loves you, "needs time to figure things out by dating other people" causing you pain, offers you the RIGHT to stick up for yourself by not putting up with her bullshit.

I'm afraid that the power balance in your household is swinging to her, and you are not doing yourself any favors.

You know what sucks the most? Alot of this damage was caused because I got lazy and stopped going to meetings. I have so much love in my heart for my wife, but fell into that trap of looking at other people's problems and what they should be doing or fixing, instead of working on myself.

My wife loved me so much for so long, and I took that for granted because I "wasn't drinking", so I pat myself on the back for the great job I did. Bullshit. I was (and still am) in a world of pain, and I need to work on it and fix it. She felt alone all these years because I wasn't taking care of what I need to take care of.

I've started going back to meetings this week, trying to go every day. I want to find a sponsor and be the person I'm supposed to be, the person I want to be, and the man she deserves. I hope it's not too late for the marriage, but I have to try as hard as I can, work the steps, SHOW her what she means to me instead of talking, put it in God's hands, cry, and hope for the best.

Please focus on YOURSELF. Work your program and get therapy.

Don't do it because you love & want your wife to stay. You have no control over your wife.

Do it because you LOVE YOURSELF. That's the ONLY chance you have.

I'm actually doing it because I'm tired of being in pain, and causing pain. Doing things my way as a dry drunk, everybody loses, me, my wife, the kids.

So yes, I need to recover for me. As far as the marriage, it hurts because, it shouldn't have come to this. This was my fault for being lazy and scared. I wish I didn't cause the damage I did, but I did, so now I have to deal with it.

Funny, I just found out tonight she is having an affair, and she doesn't realize I found out. A text on her phone said to a guy she works with -

"It's hard to see you at work. I feel like everyone can see through me and knows what's going on. I'm such a terrible liar" -

The funny thing is, I know the guy. He has something like 6 kids with 5 different women. He has a reputation as a player. It all makes sense now. All the things she was angry about with me, or thinking I was doing, it was actually her. She needs to find her way now. I'm gonna continue to go to meetings and work on myself. Everything I've posted on here is true, so I still need to work on myself, getting myself better.

Sending you a big hug i am sorry for your pain.

Keep working on you let yourself grieve.

(((((((( hugs)))))))

Sounds familiar..my ex wife of 24 years pulled the same Ol crap on me 2 years ago...then I found about about the affair with our daughters boyfriends father (real classy) who also has 4 kids with 4 different women. Here's my advice after 2 years of dealing with this...dump her and go no contact, the sooner you do the sooner you heal. She's crossed the line, for most people myself included it's unforgivable. Believe me I feel much better today and I never speak with or have any contact with her. She could move to Mars for all I care, and I was crushed when it first happened..you'll get through it but it's a very rough road. You deserve better. I've been talking to a new gal now for a couple months who's husband cheated on her years ago and believe me talking and laughing with someone who WANTS you in their life is a breath of fresh air.

For me it's not unforgivable. Maybe I'm not the problem with how she feels and what she's going through. People seem to often think, if they are cheated on, there's something wrong with them, or they're not good enough. I know I'm good enough, so that's not a problem.

2 years ago, a young lady was coming on strong to me, and I let it go to my head. The inappropriate flirting and sexting was out of control. I came clean to my wife before it got physical, but it was still cheating. I was deceitful with my wife about another woman. It was an ego trip, but it didn't mean I didn't still love my wife. It was just a mistake I made.

I can live with making mistakes. If she doesn't love me anymore, that's a different story.

From what you've posted so far, I think she still loves you. She is confused and her heart has grown cold to what she knows as life as the usual, boring, reliable, routine. Right now, she's full of a stew of emotions from the initial euphoria of falling in love. You know that beautiful feeling! After 25 years, she probably forgot that feeling. So having it again must mean that it's destined to be, right? You are doing well. Focusing on yourself. Focusing on how you can be better. Please continue on that journey. You can't give her clarity, or even warm her cold heart. She has opted to choose selfishness over marriage. Hopefully, she'll realize before it's too late that you are good for her. Either way, you will be better, being a better you.

Thank you beefer, that was very kind, and exactly why I'm going back to meetings to work on myself. It's the only way I'll get better and FEEL better, no matter the outcome.