Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I've posted on this site several times in the past. My wife asked me for a divorce several months ago. There have been no affairs or other serious drama that has split us up. Rather, my wife doesn't feel that I meet her emotional needs. I've tried to reconcile for the past few months and, although we are getting along well, her mind is set. I've pretty much accepted her decision at this point.
We are working toward a cooperative divorce and trying to minimize the impact to our three children, ages 6, 8 and 10. So far our cooperative relationship has really softened the impact to the children. It was really worth the effort. We are still living in the same house and preparing to sell in the spring. We will begin full divorce procedures around that time.
My wife has been a stay at home Mom for over 10 years now and we agreed that we would work together to get her career re-started. She was a school teacher and still has her credentials. We live in Northern California and there is a demand for School Teachers right now. She has already been offered a job at the same school our children attend. Obviously, this could be ideal as the kids could go to school and return home with their mother, who would all be on the same schedule. No need for after school programs.
The problem this brings up is custody. As I said, we are moving slowly with the divorce to soften the impact on the kids. We are months away from determining custody arrangements, but it's been on my mind a lot lately, especially as she could have a job a lot sooner than we thought.
We had discussed 50/50 custody. We had also discussed that custody would be flexible. My wife has said that there would always be a place at the dinner table any night for me if I wanted to stop by and spend the evening with the family.
I have a friend that had a 50/50 custody arrangement with her ex-husband. Basically the kids live wither one week and with him the next week. That makes sense. However, I'm not sure how well it makes sense when one parent has a schedule so tightly bound to the children. My job is across town and it takes me an hour to get home each night. I'm lucky to get home by 6:15 PM. In a "normal" divorce I'm sure the children will be in after school program and the parents would just pick them up at the after school location.
After school doesn't seem to make sense in this situation. On weeks that my wife has custody, she will just take the kids home with her when they all get out at 3:30 PM. Then I would have to put them in after school program on weeks that I have them, so I could pick them up at 6, even though their mother is getting out of school at the same time.
Another option is to just have their mother take the kids home with her at 3:30 and then I pick them up at her house each night. That seems like it might be disruptive to the children, however.
I don't want a situation that is going to be disruptive to the children, but I don't want to be a weekend only dad either. As I said, their mother has said that the door will always be open, but I don't want to rely on that either. Not sure I'll feel comfortable just dropping by as she moves on with new relationships.
I'd appreciate any advice anyone could give.
We are working toward a cooperative divorce and trying to minimize the impact to our three children, ages 6, 8 and 10. So far our cooperative relationship has really softened the impact to the children. It was really worth the effort. We are still living in the same house and preparing to sell in the spring. We will begin full divorce procedures around that time.
My wife has been a stay at home Mom for over 10 years now and we agreed that we would work together to get her career re-started. She was a school teacher and still has her credentials. We live in Northern California and there is a demand for School Teachers right now. She has already been offered a job at the same school our children attend. Obviously, this could be ideal as the kids could go to school and return home with their mother, who would all be on the same schedule. No need for after school programs.
The problem this brings up is custody. As I said, we are moving slowly with the divorce to soften the impact on the kids. We are months away from determining custody arrangements, but it's been on my mind a lot lately, especially as she could have a job a lot sooner than we thought.
We had discussed 50/50 custody. We had also discussed that custody would be flexible. My wife has said that there would always be a place at the dinner table any night for me if I wanted to stop by and spend the evening with the family.
I have a friend that had a 50/50 custody arrangement with her ex-husband. Basically the kids live wither one week and with him the next week. That makes sense. However, I'm not sure how well it makes sense when one parent has a schedule so tightly bound to the children. My job is across town and it takes me an hour to get home each night. I'm lucky to get home by 6:15 PM. In a "normal" divorce I'm sure the children will be in after school program and the parents would just pick them up at the after school location.
After school doesn't seem to make sense in this situation. On weeks that my wife has custody, she will just take the kids home with her when they all get out at 3:30 PM. Then I would have to put them in after school program on weeks that I have them, so I could pick them up at 6, even though their mother is getting out of school at the same time.
Another option is to just have their mother take the kids home with her at 3:30 and then I pick them up at her house each night. That seems like it might be disruptive to the children, however.
I don't want a situation that is going to be disruptive to the children, but I don't want to be a weekend only dad either. As I said, their mother has said that the door will always be open, but I don't want to rely on that either. Not sure I'll feel comfortable just dropping by as she moves on with new relationships.
I'd appreciate any advice anyone could give.
If that seems too awkward, perhaps you could hire a sitter to pick the kids up from school and bring them to your place and stay with them until you arrive?
I think it would be odd to have the kids off at 3:30 one week, only to languish in "after school" limbo the next, unless there are really fun activities for them to engage in.
Another idea might be to ask the kids what they're comfortable with.
I commend you and your spouse on the civilized way you are handling the divorce.
do not eat as a family, why pretend, talk about ffffffffffffffffffing kids heads up, mommy and daddy exchanged vows,made us out of love for each other, now they don't love each and are friends.. in a little while either mommy or daddy have a new friend and the "family" diner table will change once more
this world is going to shyte, it is all about me, me, me, me and me,
this charde that your wife is considering teaching /modeling for the "good" of the kids is child abuse
your kids family as they knew it is dead
pretending it is not is really all about hiding the fact that mommy would rather it die for herself than save it for them
okay maybe it is the only way mommy can ever be happy
still never ever changes the reality for the kids that mommy choose A over B
I think the option where she takes them home and you pick them up would actually be the least disruptive. Since they would actually have more time with her (because they see her every day after school), you might be able to negotiate getting them on night during "her" week to even it out.
My exh was a stay-at-home dad. He is still not working (17 months). In our arrangement, he has them everyday after school till 6pm. I have them everynight. And we tade every other weekend. Benefit is that we both get to see them most days. Been very smooth for them.
Good luck!!
If weekdays make the most sense for your ex to have custody because of the school situation, how about having the kids stay with her during the week during the school year? Then to even it out you can take weekends and a large part of the summer or even the whole thing.
Or, if you working until dinnertime is the problem, what about if the kids spend every afternoon with her and then go to your house for dinner and bedtime?
Play around with ideas and I"m sure you'll come up with something that feels fair and good for the kids. Great job keeping the divorce cooperative, that's hard! You've done really well.
I agree looking outside the box of a plan that works out for both of you is key, but like many have mentioned in responses here.. divorce can turn ugly and fast.. my exh and I also had an amicable divorce, but you can guarentee while 'agreeing' to do something the only person he was ultimately looking out for was him.. be watchful of just how much you give in negotiations, your focus is on YOUR future, and your children.. your stbx has decided she no longer wants a future with you, dont go out of your way to make her life easier.. this is only the begining of a very very long and horrible road, amicable or not.
my exh promised alot of things.. but when its all said and done if its not in the decree, it doesn't happen.. just be very careful, and be sure to keep your eyes open and dont let her take you for a ride.. divorce is messy.
I think with your kids at they ages they are, an afterschool plan is a great idea, get them out with other kids, socializing- unwinding before coming home for the night.. my kids go to the local boys and girls club after school, and they LOVE it, lots of great clubs and sports to do.. coming home with mom at 3:30 (as much as I DONT see that as a real possibility) isn't always the best option at their ages anyway.. they'd probably enjoy an after school activity more.. something to think about..
I just hit my one year mark post divorce.. and like I said my ex and I split amicably as well.. just be careful, get a good lawyer, and make sure your keeping your eyes open to your future when making negotiations.. these decisions are life changing, and once in writing, not the easiest things to change..
My ex and I have never had a custody plan. I can't say that it's always been smooth, but it has worked out.
I strongly, strongly suggest that you consider putting the kids in school closer to where you work, or you working closer to their school. If your STBX is as cooperative as you say, she'll be okay with looking for work on that side of town.
Kids get sick, and she won't always be in town to get them. Putting a sick kid in the car to drive an hour to take their siblings to school and back again (4 hours total) isn't going to be fun.
Our divorce issues only started in August of 2015.
My stbx has always been a stay at home mom and has a very negative view of after school programs. I have a client that has a chain of after school programs and I have the opposite opinion of them. My stbx will just have to get over her disposition.
I also liked hearing that the trading of custody mid-day is working for some people and it's not too disruptive on the children. I'm used to hearing of "traditional" custody situations where one parent drops off the kids on sunday and picks them up the following Saturday.
Hearing your stories of how your handling custody and how the kids are doing with it is very helpful.
Sorry for the divorce I know the pain of that. My wife left after 24 years so I'm lucky at least the kids were old enough not to go down that unfortunate road. I agree you have to make it as painless for the kids, just don't sacrifice your own sanity. My ex changed so much it's been impossible to talk to her anymore but that worked out in my favor.
Good luck.