(Forgive the cut and paste folks)
Sam is my nickname I was Sam Sausage and she was Patty Pepperoni :P)


Hello Sam,

Linda told me what was going on with you and Elaine and I decided to
write
since I've been in that same situation myself.

I remember when Herb told me he wanted a divorce, I was totally
devasted
and bereft. I remember thinking, "this can't be so, it just can't be
so."
But, it WAS what he said and it WAS what he wanted.

I went through some sleepless nights and a lot of tears. I'm sure
you're
feeling the same way. I felt worthless, fat, ugly, and not worth my
salt.
I couldn't find one thing about myself that was worth having. But what
I
learned through that whole thing is, I allowed myself to feel that way
and
there was not reason to. I think it's just part of the separating
thing, I
HAD to be that way for him to leave.

But, it was nothing bad about me that caused him to feel that way.
Yes, I
was overweight. Yes, it's true I wasn't that good looking-ok looking but I
won't win any beauty contests. And it was true that I didn't realize I
was griping at him more than I knew. But, it was something in him that made him
want a divorce. I'm not a perfect person but there isn't any perfect
person. I'm just an average joe. I will tell you for sure, there are tons
of others out there just waiting for the opportunity to have someone to
date, to have someone to share things with, and there is no reason to feel
unworthy or unwanted. It is the shock of the whole situation that will shut
your mind down to any thing good about yourself.

I can and will tell you what will help but you may or may not take my advice.

Concentrate as best you can on your job and your children. Try to find
something that occupies your mind, whether it be computer games or walking
or whatever. You need to focus on YOU, not on the relationship with Elaine,
not at this time. If in the long run she changes her mind you can work on
the relationship then but until that time you have to think of yourself and
your life "after Elaine." You will still need to eat, pay bills, have a
job, and everything that is necessary to live.

I'm not telling you it will be easy, it will be hard as hell. But you must
force yourself to do all those things and not allow the situation to have
total control over you. Take a step at a time, I had to, and although I
felt that nothing was of interest to me, I just wanted to give up, I found
out that after some time I wasn't happy but I WAS content and that's a huge start.

Actually, my neighbor lady asked me to come to her church with her. I put
it off and off and then finally gave in to shut her up. I went to her
church and prayed for God to make me content, not happy, just able to accept
and get through the situation. And you know, I cried through the whole
church service. I was so embarrassed but I couldn't stop. And in the next
few days I realized that I had what I'd asked for. I was terribly unhappy
but had accepted that he wasn't coming back. I had no control over what he
did and that was just how it was. I needed to get on with life, nothing
stands still in this world, and I knew I didn't want to live forever feeling that way.

As it turned out, he came back home and we continued being married until he
died. But what I learned through that is, the feeling was never the same
for me. He had severed the tie that keeps a marriage vital and alive.
You can patch the tie and still care for someone but when you get past that
MAJOR hurt the damage is done. Patched is never as good as the original. I
look back and realize that I would have been better off had I just let him
go. But there was no telling myself that then. I was determined to have what I wanted and let me tell you, I paid the price for it.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is "this too shall pass." Maybe not in
the way you want it too, but it will pass. There are good things still out
there to enjoy when you decide to move on. And honestly, you have it WAY
ahead of women your age as there are tons of women out there looking for a
relationship and just not enough men to go around. That's the
statistics.

Keep your chin up and try to go on. Try to give it a rest as best you can.
Cry your head off and become numb then realize one day that "Gosh, I just
saw a pretty bird," or "Wow, that supper was good," or whatever little thing
that happens gives you a tiny bit of pleasure. That is when you'll know
that you are finally waking up to join life again and you are healing.
(It took me 4 months to get to that point, I just kept trying to win him back
and wouldn't accept no.)

Take care of yourself, you have children and grandchildren, sisters and
family that love you. If I can help let me know. Talk soon.

Patty