I've struggled with depression for years. I met a guy 2 years ago this month and believed he was the answer, the key to happiness. To begin, I come from a very strict family/ culture so dating and sex before marriage was something taboo and I just didn't do it out of respect for myself. I was 21 and a senior in college when we meet through Facebook. We talked a few weeks before we decided to meet up. When I met him I was instantly in love. He didn't want to mess around, he wanted to marry me. So being a dumb and excited girl, giddy about the first real relationship I had ever even been close to having, jumped in with both feet. I was head over heels for this man. But this man who from the very start showed me his true colors. He was controlling. Very controlling. He was jealous and manipulative and often "taught me lessons". I listened to him, did what he asked me and didn't question it. Well a few weeks into our relationship he basically raped me. I was a virgin, never even been kissed before him and now found myself being violated by this man. I thought it was out of love so I let it happen and I continued to let it happen. Not long after he suddenly broke up with me. I was devastated. I cried and begged him to explain why. My mom reached out to him, asking him to give it a chance. This lead to my fatal mistake. I ended up legally marrying him trying to keep this man in my life. We hadn't had a wedding, an apartment together or anything. Just a legal document binding our lives. He had given me two diamond rings. At this time I thought nothing could ruin us now. All we needed was to plan a wedding, get an apartment and start our lives. Well none of this happened. We didn't start wedding planning. We didn't start apartment hunting. Instead I found us fighting more. Him threatening me more. And found myself driving the distance that separated us weekly to see him and he never reciprocated. I made excuses for him. I kept making excuses for his behaviors. For him not wanting to put in the effort to see me. For him not making moves to make a life with me. I kept excusing him. When my beloved dog of 11 years died and I happened to find out that while I was with him I started having a breakdown in front of him. I cried inconsolably. I rushed to leave, to get home and hold her for the last time. He held me back. He got angry at ME for being upset that MY dog of 11 years had passed. I left. He called me 2 days later saying he wouldn't forgive me for leaving him so abruptly. I was shocked. How could he be so insensitive to my loss, my sadness and heartache. After a week and a half we spoke again and I forgave him. Looking back I don't know how I did.. fast forward a few months and days prior to my college graduation we got in a big fight about him flying out for vacation in another state to see family without me. I was livid that he would do that to me and not even offer me, his legal wife to go with him. So he skipped my college graduation. I kept looking in the auditorium for him hoping that he may surprise me and show up to the most important day of my life so far. I was devastated when he didn't show up. I again forgave him. I loved him so I forgave him. Our fighting got worse. He began calling me names. Manipulating me more. Threatening to expose me more. Harassing me more. Sexually abusing me more. He threatened to break up/ legally divorce me again and again and I begged him to stay. We would work it out and he would present me with another ring. Every few months another surprise, another ring but another worse fight. I didn't want to be 23 and divorced before I had a real chance to be married. I wanted more than anything to make it work. Sometimes we are so happy together, I knew we could be happy if I tried a little harder, listened to him, obeyed him. I hoped and prayed that maybe he would change for the better. I forgave everything until this point. He slapped me in the face. I never thought he would hit me. Ever. And enough is enough. I am ready to move on. Cut my losses and accept that we were never meant for each other. I deserved better than him and always have. No amount of diamond rings (he's given me 9) could forgive his actions. The rings can't forgive his cruelty. I can no longer forgive him for what he continues to do to me. I am done. 

Honestly I've had no one to share this with until this point and it's almost a relief to say it. Please don't ask me how I stayed so long and dealt with this. I don't know the answer to that question.