I just found out that my stbx has been officially diagnosed as a Narcissist. It explains a lot, but I have also been advised that this diagnosis probably rules out any potential opportunity for reconciling or even remaining friends. Its pretty final- but there is at least clarity in the finality. I am committed to moving forward- here is my tentative "survival" plan- your feedback would be very welcome and helpful to my process. Thanks Everyone!

New Survival Rules
March 21, 2009

1. I will honor the grief process and all the stages and time that this entails. Although I would like the process to pass quickly- I understand that by doing the work now, I will save myself hardship later.
2. I must honor the NO CONTACT RULE- except formal contact regarding the kids. I will stay pleasant but will not elaborate or make small talk. I will not initiate anything but formal communication. I will not try to be friends.
3. I WILL NOT take care of him- he needs to stand on his own two feet and I need to refocus my energy on ME and the kids. I will set limits- I can be nice about it but be firm. He needs to reconnect with his own support networks.
4. I WILL NOT hold out hope for him to want to come back- he doesnt love me anymore (or at least not in the way I need him to)- he has done irreparable damage to our relationship, and now the marriage is dead.
You dont stay in contact with something dead- you bury it!
5. I must take care of myself in mind, body and spirit. I will exercise for at least 30 minutes every day. I will eat three healthy meals a day and drink at least eight glasses of water a day and I will try and get at least seven hours of sleep a night. I will read more, meditate to relax and watch less TV. I will play with my kids every day. I will surround myself with positive, healthy people. I will nurture myself and my family and will allow myself to feel joy.
6. When I feel anxious/worried/sad/lonely- I will first try and journal, I will then try and connect with someone by phone or on the support board- under NO circumstances will I ever use him to try and comfort me. He is the CAUSE of my pain- he is PAIN!
7. I will REJECT the REJECTER- if he cannot appreciate me for all that I have given to him, done for him and for how much I have unconditionally loved him- he is flawed and I need to reject him. I do not want to be with someone who cannot love me and appreciate me completely. I will not waste my energy and spirit on trying to answer unanswerable questions, I will not assume to understand why he has made the choices he has and I will not worry about what he is now thinking or doing (he is not my business any longer, and I am not his). I will not blame myself for his shortcomings and I will remind myself whenever I need to, how much effort, love and support I put into this marriage- I can, and do, have a clear conscious about my contributions to our relationship. I reject his dysfunction, his mean-spiritedness, and his inability or unwillingness to get help to improve himself as a husband, father and general human being. I forever release myself from any responsibility I had to him.
8. I will connect with my friends and family every/day week- and will try and make new friends to build my network of support and social interests.
9. I will work on growing more comfortable being alone and relying on myself. I do not need a mate to feel worthy. A mate is a CHOICE- not a requirement and I will have a great life with or without one. IF I ever have another one- he will cherish me!
10. I promise to try new things- I will take chances, I will explore who I am and what I want to do and who I want to be. I will hold onto my power and I will embrace the self discovery process. I will challenge myself to have opinions and will even share them!
11. I will count my blessings every day- I will find joy in my life and I will appreciate all that I have.

Best,
K