Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Not only did he tell me he loved me, that I was his dream woman he'd been waiting for his whole life, and promised me we'd grow old together when he asked me to marry him, but he also made me promise to never lie to him and to always try and work things out if it got tough. He made me promise that we would get through anything, no matter what. Which was easy for me. I would never even think about doing anything to jepardize our relationship.
So then HE's the one that left, without any warning what so ever. Not once did he even hint at being unhappy. We were planning our wedding and he was just as excited as me when we discussed things like music and food and our honeymoon. WE WERE HAPPY and he just left.
Not only that, but he can't give me a good reason. He says he doesn't know what's wrong. He says I'm still his dream girl and he still loves me and he will forever.
To top it all off, he keeps me hanging on. He knows he can because I am so completely in love with him. I wanted to spend eternity with him. And I still do. He wants me to come hang out with him all the time. But then there are times when I won't hear from him for days.
So I got frustrated and asked him why he wants me to come hang out. He said cause he misses me. And I was like, ok, but to what end? What is the point? All it does for me is break my heart all over again when I have to go home with out you. He said he's sorry. So I asked him, what is it you want from me? Do you want me to continue loving you or do you want me to heal and move on and he said BOTH! So I told him he couldn't have it both ways.
So we didn't have any contact for a couple weeks, then he emailed me this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-IGt3ZZHBg
From there he pulled me back in, things were going really good between us through the holidays and now I haven't heard from him in a week again. I hate it. I hate that I let him make me feel this way. Why does he do this??? What is behind this behavior?
So then HE's the one that left, without any warning what so ever. Not once did he even hint at being unhappy. We were planning our wedding and he was just as excited as me when we discussed things like music and food and our honeymoon. WE WERE HAPPY and he just left.
Not only that, but he can't give me a good reason. He says he doesn't know what's wrong. He says I'm still his dream girl and he still loves me and he will forever.
To top it all off, he keeps me hanging on. He knows he can because I am so completely in love with him. I wanted to spend eternity with him. And I still do. He wants me to come hang out with him all the time. But then there are times when I won't hear from him for days.
So I got frustrated and asked him why he wants me to come hang out. He said cause he misses me. And I was like, ok, but to what end? What is the point? All it does for me is break my heart all over again when I have to go home with out you. He said he's sorry. So I asked him, what is it you want from me? Do you want me to continue loving you or do you want me to heal and move on and he said BOTH! So I told him he couldn't have it both ways.
So we didn't have any contact for a couple weeks, then he emailed me this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-IGt3ZZHBg
From there he pulled me back in, things were going really good between us through the holidays and now I haven't heard from him in a week again. I hate it. I hate that I let him make me feel this way. Why does he do this??? What is behind this behavior?
Now you have to make the choice...
Sounds to me like he just wants to be friends, maybe with benefits??? I think this is okay if both people involved can detach foe each other and be just that friends..... Some people can't and that too is okay..
My opinion is to take care of yourself and your emotional needs first and foremost.. If that means to move on by no contact well......
Not only did he tell me he loved me, that I was his dream woman he'd been waiting for his whole life, and promised me we'd grow old together when he asked me to marry him, but he also made me promise to never lie to him and to always try and work things out if it got tough. He made me promise that we would get through anything, no matter what. Which was easy for me. I would never even think about doing anything to jepardize our relationship.
Then you said he left...
choose wisely - behaviors don't just change... it takes time...
Ask yourself, if he comes back and you guys reconcile, will he do this again when you need him?
wishing you love and peace...
When we do hang out I will catch him staring at me. And he has that look in his eyes. That perfect adoring, loving look.
I say, "what?"
He replies, I didn't say anything".
Well why are you looking at me like that?
I just like looking at you. Is that ok?...
yeah
And when we are together he is so sweet and caring and loving and treats me like a queen.
How do I let that go?
What happened to fighting for true love, what you believe in. I hate romance movies. I never watch them. They're bullshit. They send the message that true love conquers all and it's just not true.
He is curently in his home state on vacation visiting his parents and siblings. I have prepared an email telling him that I can't do this any more. It's killing me. So I have to let him go, and in doing so, I can't have any contact with him at all. Forever. I haven't sent it. I don't want to intrude on his family time.
I am so struggling with the thought of actually sending it. I think I'm half hoping he will tell me he wants me back, even though I know he won't. I know him well enough to know he'll just be like, OK. Nonchalant is his defense against pain. But the knowlege that this is going to really end it for good is so hard.
Marriage is a partnership - a team... does he have your back not just when times are good but when times are bad too...? What you have stated is that he has left you holding the bag not just once but twice...
I definitely dig fighting for true love but ...
who are you fighting
and is he fighting for the same thing...
what i had to learn is that you can not save a relationship by yourself... That was a hard lesson...
I wish you clarity and guidance...
And just to get this straight, I have always been a really independent person, though he calls it pride, not idependence, and I regularly refuse his "charity". But he gets me by telling me to stop being to proud to accept his help. And with the extras (like the iPhone, I don't need an iPhone) he pleads with me to "please, just let me do this for you". And when I say I don't want your money he say, just take it.
I just figured he feels guilty for leaving me hanging like he did. I KNOW he truly loves me. But he is the one that left me. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. It's just a crazy rooler coaster of emotions all the time.
When he told me he'd pay for the phone forever he said,
"I will pay for you phone forever, even if we're not together, if you let me."
I said, "we're NOT together"
he goes, whatever, you know what I mean.
I said, you know I'm not your responsibility,
I said, fine
he says, I know, but I want to, so please just let me.
I don't want to get re engaged. I don't even want to move back in together. I just want to claim him as mine. I want to finish school and and get a real job and let the kids get a bit older before trying this again. That way he doesn't feel so much pressure to provide.
He didn't say he feels pressured, it's what I assume because he is such a provider. He has 4 kids from his previous marraige and I have 3. We both have a special need child. Rather than letting me there for him, he wants to take it ALL on himself.
And he came from a very disfuntional family and broken home. I have never met his mother, but I detest her for the way she "mothered" her children.
Anyhoo, rambling again. It sure does help getting it all off my chest though. My friends are kind of sick of hearing it. All they say is you're better off and deserve better. Get over it.
Thank you for your input
12 hour days, half in a hotel room the other on duty, is it possible he has another in a different port of call.
His diet, certainly can lead to depressive episodes, not to mention is a fast route to diabetes. When was his last physical, there may be some medical issues neither of you know about.
Guite possibly, he sees his past marriage as a failure and will not commit for fear of another.
Often times the need to be the caretaker, provider, supplier is of co-dependent nature, whereas he wishes to be there for you in every manner, yet he is unable to commit due to anxiety of his own needs.
You love him, he loves you, maybe some time apart will make the bond come together, I sympathize with your situation, I also feel if its worth having, its worth going the extra mile to find.
best of luck
i can feel your pain
it is so much like my own
Regardless of what is said or promised, bottom line, he left. He left without warning, and now he continues to pay bills out of guilt.
When my EX wanted to "work on the marriage" but, at the same time, had a million reasons NOT to move back home, that should've been my writing on the wall...and I see it now. He could say nice things, work nicely with me, attend counseling periodically...but, ultimately, actions speak louder than words, and he didn't want to move home because he wanted to "acclimate to single life" WHILE supposedly working on a marriage.
At the end of the day, he left you. If he came back, and you let him, you will wonder, "If he left before without warning, how will this feel once we are married?"
Someone who truly, from the bottom of his heart loved you, he wouldn't leave, esp without any warning.
Hugs! Please keep posting..there's good advice here.
His words are worth nothing. The only thing that counts in terms of your life - is his actions. His actions are screaming "I'm out". So let him be out.
DO NOT read into his words, his looks, his guilt. He is not with you. He is not yours. He is out. End of story.
You must move on - without your own strength - he has no reason to respect you - or change. Move on. Immediately. And always remember that words are cheap. Only actions count.