The pain is still so fresh and difficult to bare, but would could I possibly expect when it’s only been a week or so.  I find myself repeating the scenarios in my head of what ifs or what could I have done .... I had two awful dreams last night that he came back and everything was normal

Again ... I woke up crying . I just want to be happy again I want to be me , strong and just not letting anyone get in my way. I feel he still has power over me . Friends and family have been so supportive but yet I feel so alone .... all my dreams of getting married then buying a house together have a child all shattered by him with such minimal explanation and so blind sided he lied to himself he lied to me .  I need to find the courage to move forward but I also need to be gentle with myself which I have not . I want more answers and I probably won’t ever get any . I wanna know what he’s doing , I’ve tried my best to stay away from

Social media but then I find myself on there looking to see what he posted and to see that he appears to be acting as if everything’s fine which we don’t know is true or not he may be suffering in a different way but he also may feel a sense of freedom ... idk what to think and I should just focus on myself me.  I am worried he will reach out to me and it will be things I don’t wanna hear even though I am trying to come to accept that yes he did leave yes he wants no part of

Me ... as he said .... I don’t understand anymore