The loss of your friend and your fear of commitment are two mutually exclusive things. This guy stuck by you for 13 years. And by the way that timeline suggests you were in a relationship with him for a year while your husband was still alve, could this have anything to do with his suicide? Perhaps a father of two realized his wife was having an affair and couldn't handle the emotional devastation? Not to mention if guy number two was in the picture during this entire time were you really raising your kids entirely solo? An incredibly long-term relationship and engagement and he had zero input with the kids? Doubtful. I'm just saying this from an outside perspective but it sounds like you just flaked out. Tragedy does not drive people away it brings them closer together. Typical people anyway. I find it arrogant to say God didn't intend for him to be in your life when you were the one who initiated the break up. God is a voice in your head....he's you, Its you who feels like he's not the right guy. Seems unfair to string him along well over a decade and then blame an outside event for your own emotional weakness. Feelings are internal, they don't come from God and they don't come from outside sources. You seem like the type of person who is incapable of accepting blame and sorely lacking in humility and introspection. You didn't break up with him because your friend died or because an old man and a cloud told you to. It's all you, it's just you. Once you realize this you can begin to see the situation more clearly. We are powerless to improve upon our individual imperfections if we are blind to them and this is how I am trying to help you. Obviously I don't know either of you guys but it sounds more like you are not right for him than he is not right for you. Sounds like u did this second guy a favor. Better late than never as they say. You really need to work on yourself, get a handle on your feelings and sort your thoughts. Life deals alot to us but its the people we keep close that make it bearable and worthwhile. Circling back to the timeline do it only been engaged for 6 months when you started withdrawing from him which happened to coincide with your friend's death. Perhaps you have some unresolved trauma issues with your first marriage and so the concept of marriage itself scares you. It sounds like you don't trust yourself and die number two gets to bear that burden guy getting rejected and cast out after a decade and a third lf what was commitment without a ring and document. Marriage is an idea and a legally binding contract but you had already been committed for quite some time. I hope you realize the glaring contradiction I'm saying you wanted to find security and your fiance but then tried to find every reason to shut them out. Those are two ideas that cannot be logically reconciled. You're going to have to look in the mirror and ask yourself Who You Are what are your values and what are you all about? And don't look to God it's just a voice in your head you have to analyze the voice itself and the prime mover in your life which is you.

I seem to be having an easier time reconciling what you said than familyguy did. I don't know if your relationship with your ex-husband and your ex-fiance overlapped perhaps you were already divorced when he committed suicide. I am truly sorry for your losses, even as your ex-husband he was a significant person in your life and I assume the father to both of your children. That's a huge weight to carry- parenting your children who I am sure were morning the loss of their father while you, too, were struggling with that loss yourself. Then you lost your best friend- another major loss that I wouldn't doubt brought up the old trauma of the loss of your ex-husband. I don't know nor will I pretend to know the nature of your relationship with your ex-fiance but it does sound like more was wrong that just grief (not to minimize grief- it takes a huge toll on relationships, I myself am now engaged- please don't judge me I've been in this group since a previous breakup and have just not left because some of my friends who supported me when I was going through that are still here- and he and I have both lost really significant people during our time together I lost my mom and he lost his grandmother) because, generally speaking, couples manage to ride that out although it's not easy I too tend to shut out most people as part of my grieving process, I find talking to others to be way too draining. My fiance was patient with this and understood that I may cry on his shoulder for a few minutes tell him I miss my mom and then it's not mentioned again for a while- and he doesn't bring it up, just lets me share as I want. But, it sounds like whatever happened for you in your grief with your fiance is different which I think there may be another layer to. I'm speculating that perhaps a fear that he, too, would die and perhaps an irrational "I kill everyone I touch" (believe me when I say not as unusual thinking as you'd suspect) but that's just theory of mine, I don't know. I also don't know what you said to your ex-fiance and I must say I do feel sorry for him that after so long the relationship ended but it sounds like there was more to it than the loss of your ex-husband and friend. Sounds like you are only in the beginning of processing all of this and it's going to be a long journey. If you haven't been in counseling for the traumas I would certainly suggest it to help guide you through your grief, it's hard, it's uncomfortable at times, but it's worth it in the end.

I hope you are in therapy to talk about your
Old grief/trauma. If grief is not processed
and Just Put on the shelf it festers or comes
out the Wrong way at the wrong time.

Divorce care is a great group to deal with
Grief too. I have loads of it from my divorce
and My upbringing. I still have grief to process
In my own emotional recovery journey.

I am sorry for your first husbands suicide, i Have
a friend like that never really dealt with it. Married
Second husband too quickly and he ended up
abandoning her And now they are divorced. She
is very angry and not coping emotionally well. It
Was Mainly because of her first husband suicide
and Not dealing with it emotionally way back then.

Take care of yourself and your children, glad
You ended the relationship before marriage if
It was not working for you. Marriage takes two
People all in. HUGS

To FamilyGuy-
I was not clear about the time line or details of these events- I divorced my husband after 10 abusive years of alcoholism and endangerment of my children. He committed suicide 3 years after that as he lost that battle. I asked for a divorce because he was putting my kids at risk every day. I met my boyfriend 1 month after my divorce. Perhaps too soon, but as it unfolded it was very difficult for him to step in and parent my kids as he had his own and I did not feel that was a good idea. As the years unfolded we went through a lot , but we never lived together. He was trying to establish his business which he did not want me involved in any way. He also was very insensitive and unable to relate at times as I went through a lot of grief. He came over on weekends and enjoyed himself, but never did we cultivate a strong trusting relationship. I appreciate your observations, but I had to ask (almost beg) for some clear form of commitment to continue to invest energy in the relationship. When he proposed to me, i tried for 1 year to do my part in making our relationship stronger. My fault in all of this was allowing the mediocrity to continue hoping he would provide me some stability. Incidentally, he is a weed smoker and encouraged my kids in this- despite my asking him not to. So yes, I have a lot of culpability in this situation which I see now- and the compounded grief was an aggravating factor. The letter was to thank him for all he had done for me. I am very sad that it didn't work out, but the dysfunctional dynamic sank it and that is both our faults. It has taken a long hard look at my fears of commitment and insecurity to see how this situation has arrived. There is a lot more back story which is impossible to relay in this forum. I do thank you for some of your observations. As i reviewed communications over the years, I was always asking for more connection and he gave me just enough to hope we could create more, and it never happened. I did not feel this would have worked in marriage.

To FamilyGuy-
I was not clear about the time line or details of these events- I divorced my husband after 10 abusive years of alcoholism and endangerment of my children. He committed suicide 3 years after that as he lost that battle. I asked for a divorce because he was putting my kids at risk every day. I met my boyfriend 1 month after my divorce. Perhaps too soon, but as it unfolded it was very difficult for him to step in and parent my kids as he had his own and I did not feel that was a good idea. As the years unfolded we went through a lot , but we never lived together. He was trying to establish his business which he did not want me involved in any way. He also was very insensitive and unable to relate at times as I went through a lot of grief. He came over on weekends and we enjoyed free time together but never did we cultivate a strong trusting relationship on a daily basis because we lived apart. I appreciate your observations, but I had to ask (almost beg) for some clear form of commitment to continue to invest energy in the relationship. When he proposed to me, i tried for 1 year to do my part in making our relationship stronger. My fault in all of this was allowing the mediocrity to continue hoping he would provide me some stability. Incidentally, he is a weed smoker and encouraged my kids in this- despite my asking him not to. These were the breaches in trust that did not allow a strong foundation. So yes, I have a lot of culpability in this situation which I see now- and the compounded grief was an aggravating factor. The letter was to thank him for all he had done for me. I am very sad that it didn't work out, but the dysfunctional dynamic sank it and that is both our faults. It has taken a long hard look at my fears of commitment and insecurity to see how this situation has arrived. There is a lot more back story which is impossible to relay in this forum. I do thank you for some of your observations. As i reviewed communications over the years, I was always asking for more connection and he gave me just enough to hope we could create more, and it never happened. I did not feel this would have worked in marriage. I have not sent the letter yet, perhaps I should read it again with a new lens.

They often talk at divorce care about the dangers
Of rebound relationships. Its a bandaid to all the pain
And grief you have inside. It does not help you after
a Long term marriage and sometimes a difficult one.

You needed to heal yourself before getting into a new
relationship And To get healthy and whole first before
you are ready. I also attend alanon that helps on many
Levels too. HUGS

Tragedy does not drive people away it brings them closer together. Typical people anyway.

Uhhh, no. You would be surprised by the number of truly happily married couples whose marriages can not endure intense tradegy. But since you completely diagnosed the OP by reading a 200 word post, you should think about going into psychiatry or therapy/counseling. I'm sure you would be quite successful.

It sounds like you've done a lot of reflection over what's taken place. That is very healthy. Just keep it up. Make sure you're plugged into a good support system. You were very gracious in handling Family Guy. You've clearly laid out why you at least have reservations about your ex-fiance. I think the letter could really help him if he's having a hard time with your decision. I can only pray for healthy, blessed beginnings now for you...