I don't come on DS very often anymore- life is busy, I usually can keep life in perspective these days and don't feel a need to be here as much- but I do feel comforted knowing DS is here if and when I need it. I sometimes find it hard to read about the newbies deep grieving... that is such an intense pain I can still remember and of course remember it as just an awful time in my life. BUT... with time comes new awareness and I have learned a couple of things....for what it is worth, I thought I would share them.

1. The pain of a new separation/divorce is incredibly intense- and it doesn't really matter if the relationship was "good" in your mind. It turns out that my relationship was pretty horrendous but when my ex left it left such a hole in my life. I had to rediscover so much- find a new role, create new dreams.... let go of the hopes and dreams I had carried with me for so long... it was like a death in so so many ways.

2. I found that ctually feeling the pain was the quickest way through the process... in the beginning I would fight the overwhelming emotions because they were so scary and they just seemed to consume me but eventually I learned to let the feelings pass through me- rather than fight them- and I found that I was able to move on much faster and was more peaceful.

3. A divorce does not just impact the two people who are directly involved- there is a ripple effect- obviously children are most deeply impacted- but I had completely underestimated the impact my divorce had on our friends and family.... they had to go through their "process" of letting go, too.

4. Practicing forgiveness is the most empowering and liberating experience.... it may seem counter intuitive -but anger, frustration and resentment ultimately only hurts the person holding onto them....I have personally found that choosing not to blame my ex for his wrongs and instead accept that we were just not a good fit has been a healthier way for me to view this. I have also found that forgiving myself is as important as forgiving my ex.

5. Taking the high road through a separation/divorce allows you to look back and be proud of yourself.... and it allows you to realize you're stronger (and classier) than you thought you were (or could be in a tough situation).

6. Triggers are very real...particularly if you were in any kind of abusive relationship- and becoming more aware of them and acknowledging them when they surface helps them to diminish. I had them all of the time that first year..thankfully they are much better

7. When you're ready, being open to having a new relationship seems to bring new opportunities toward you- being open to love again is certainly hard at first- but for me- it has allowed me to move on in a healthy way and ultimately meet a wonderful new partner who is a much better fit for me and my values. I have been able to experience a level of friendship and partnership I never would have had with my ex.

8. Two years out of my marriage and there are still rogue moments that can make me feel sad. Not so much because I miss him- but I miss having a complete family for my children with their bio-dad- growing old together watching the kids grow up- I will have a version of that with my partner, which I am thankful for- but it isn't quite the same for my kids and I suppose there will be moments their entire life when I may think of this.

9. Happiness is sometimes a choice... not when it is being impacted by clinical depression- that's a medical issue- but choosing to be happy is sometimes the first step toward your new life.

10. Confidence is something that gets completely knocked out from under you when your marriage ends... it feels like the ultimate failure or rejection.... it takes time to get your footing again... even when they're baby steps- try and celebrate them... two years ago I would never have had the confidence to offer any insight... but today I feel okay sharing some things that have been true for me... I know we each have a different journey- and have our own process- but I remember that in the beginning sometimes just reading lots of different perspecitves helped in that moment.... so it is in that spirit that I share this.

Wishing each of you a peaceful journey and lots of laughter and joy in the coming year....

Best,
K