Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This is a bit complicated so I'll try to be concise.
I was seeing someone for about four months when she broke off things rather suddenly. I was really not aware of the issues she claimed she was having as she never really talked about them.
Less than a week after breaking up with me, she met someone else. A few days later they agreed to date exclusively. Less than two weeks lalter they were head over heels in love according to her. Although I wanted to remain in contact with her after our break up, I finally couldn't take this any longer and I also have issues with how she broke up with me, so I had to cease contact with her altogether. She is separated from her husband currently and has two kids, 2 and 7, with him. She has them 6 days a week. The new guy she is with is divorced and has 3 kids, 1, 4, and 5 and he has joint custody. Three weeks into the relationship, they introduced the two sets of kids to each other and I imagine they will now be doing things frequently together with the kids involved.
Anyway, I guess I'm looking for some feedback on all this. I'm divorced and have not had many relationships in my life and this whole thing is totally alien to me. Is it normal for people to fall in love in only a couple of weeks? I'm normally very careful about giving too much of myself too soon, and was even more careful in this case since she had kids (I don't have kids, but in case things didn't work out, I didn't want her kids to get too attached to me, unfortunately as it turns out I got attached to her kids).
Anyway, there you go. Throwing out for discussion if anyone is interested.
I was seeing someone for about four months when she broke off things rather suddenly. I was really not aware of the issues she claimed she was having as she never really talked about them.
Less than a week after breaking up with me, she met someone else. A few days later they agreed to date exclusively. Less than two weeks lalter they were head over heels in love according to her. Although I wanted to remain in contact with her after our break up, I finally couldn't take this any longer and I also have issues with how she broke up with me, so I had to cease contact with her altogether. She is separated from her husband currently and has two kids, 2 and 7, with him. She has them 6 days a week. The new guy she is with is divorced and has 3 kids, 1, 4, and 5 and he has joint custody. Three weeks into the relationship, they introduced the two sets of kids to each other and I imagine they will now be doing things frequently together with the kids involved.
Anyway, I guess I'm looking for some feedback on all this. I'm divorced and have not had many relationships in my life and this whole thing is totally alien to me. Is it normal for people to fall in love in only a couple of weeks? I'm normally very careful about giving too much of myself too soon, and was even more careful in this case since she had kids (I don't have kids, but in case things didn't work out, I didn't want her kids to get too attached to me, unfortunately as it turns out I got attached to her kids).
Anyway, there you go. Throwing out for discussion if anyone is interested.
I'm sorry that you're in this situation.
I don't think people can fall in true love that quick. It's probably lust. Anyway, She's moving way to fast with this other guy. It's going to hurt her kids in the long run. They're not getting a good example of what an adult relationship is all about.
I don't think it will last and the statistics say that also. I hope for your sake you aren't waiting for her to come back. You deserve better than someone who cheats on you. And clearly has no reguard for you or your feelings. I feel sorry for her kids though. They're truly the innocent people in this whole mess.
Good luck to you, It takes time to get over a relationship. It sucks but that's what it takes.
John
Let her go you deserve better.
One of the hardest things to do in life is to let go of a relationship. No matter what the cause of a breakup, learning to let go just often isn't easy to do. It could be the one that got away, a first love, a spouse, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or unrequited love. Regardless of the situation, learning to let go of what's over is often a very difficult thing to do and the hurt can often last for years if a person simply won't break the hold.
Recovering from the horrible pain and hurt of a broken relationship is no easy task. When love is found, one naturally wants to believe it will last forever. And it's great when it does. But when it doesn't, the hurt and pain can be devastating. But even more devastating can be the pain and suffering the person experiences from not letting go of what's gone and moving on with living.
Turning off feelings for someone isn't like turning off a light switch. When a relationship ends, it doesn't mean the feelings disappear or go away. Being left alone with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, anger, grief, rejection, and despair can prove to be overwhelming. The person might find themselves attempting to contact the other person, making up reasons to be where the other person is, calling them repeatedly, etc....anything to keep in contact with the other person or have some kind of hold or attachment still with them. And while it's a natural thing to want to do this, it prevents us being healed of the relationship.
In order to let go and live again, the past must be closed. It is impossible to live in the past. You can't look forward to a future when you live in what was, rather than in the here and now. What has happened is gone, and no amount of wanting, wishing, or regret will undo or changed what's already happened and is over with.
To put closure on the past, you have to let go of the feeling that you can't make it without the other person. Feelings of failure, trying to contact the person (unless you have children together), dependency, guilt, resentment, and anger... all of these feelings must be dealt with and brought under control. While they are normal to feel, continuing to harbor them keeps you from being healed of the hurt, and therefore keeps you from living and being happy again.
Often when a relationship ends, one or both parties have the mindset that they are a failure. They measure their self worth by whether a relationship lasted or died. One's self worth should never be measured by another person, but rather how they are. When you love yourself, you will learn that yourself worth does not revolve around another person but rather is enhanced by the other person.
While there is just no way to magically heal the pain and hurting of a lost relationship, there are ways to help yourself heal. The main thing is that you have to allow yourself to want to heal, and not keep clinging to something that you simply cannot change.
Stop beating yourself up over the past. It's done, it's gone, it's not changing. No matter who is at fault for the breakup, no amount of blaming yourself or feeling guilty will undo the past. Forgive either the other person or yourself (or both) and allow yourself to be happy again.
Unless you have children together, stop contacting the person. Don't try to be where they are, don't call them and leave them messages, don't email them, don't follow them around. Leave them alone! Continuing to attempt to be in contact with them (unless you have kids) does nothing but harass them and keep you tied to the pain.
Go out on dates with others and actually enjoy yourself. Have fun! And whatever you do, don't spend the date talking about your ex and how much you miss them and want them back. This won't lead to a second date! Go out and be happy, leave the worries behind. You might just find you had a fantastic time.
Allow yourself to heal from the breakup. Allow yourself to enjoy life again, to be happy. Allow yourself to heal from the past hurts and pain. Allow yourself the freedom to love again. Let go of the past, and be happy.
As far as I know, she didn't cheat on me, so I'm not accusing her of that. Just moved on *really* quickly. I am concerned for her kids (and his) as well.
Oredocker, I am both sad and lonely as well as angry. Fortunately I currently have a good therapist and will of course be talking about this with her.
Seems a bit irresponsible to introduce
children after such a short time.
I would think she is not the kind of person anyone needs.
Lynne
she is still married and started dating you.
she is still married, left you and then
started dating someone else almost immediately.
she is still married.
This is a hot mess that will self destruct in her face. I am sorry you fell for her as you did, but if oyu just look at what you wrote here, and what you know beyond that, is this really someone that appears to have the same values, interest and wants as you?
I feel mostly sorry for her children who are meeting having different men in their life when mommy feels like getting involved with a new one, while STILL with daddy.
I guess if it was me, under all the pain, I would be thanking my luck stars that I was only a part of this mess for a short 4 months instead of longer, and more important, that I did not add to her total of children and have to be tied to her for any longer.
just my opinion
You should want more for you.
Good luck.