I am in the same boat as you are. He has stopped all communication with me and refuses to even acknowledge hes done anything wrong or tells me its all his fault and rolls his eyes.

I dont get why Im the bad person for wanting to be heard and valued. Why are they like this? Why is it okay for them to act like total and complete idiots and when you turn it on them its 50 million times worse.

I dont get it.

Yup. Been there ladies! Had just about 25 years of that. Emotional abuse, physical and every other kind too. I stopped trying to contact him. It didn't take but a few weeks and then he wouldn't stop calling. Sometimes it was the I'm sorry sometimes it was threats sometimes it was just bullying me.

What I learned was at first his silence was what controlled me. Then it was all those other things I just mentioned. Then I realized it was just that... controlled! Trying to keep me an emotional wreck all the time.

Then one day he called said hi...I just wanted to talk. Maybe we could meet for coffee I love and miss you. I want to come home you know.

I got so mad in that moment I'm sure I had a team coming out my ears! But I didn't let that be heard in voice at all. I just responded, no. You can't come here. No you don't love me and I've got to go. I'm really busy today. And I hung up.

Well that worked! In that moment he lost the biggest part of his control. I stood up for myself. I defied him. I took a stand! And it felt freaking great!

Of course I have days that I'm bruised by the fact that he would betray me. The one who always stood by him. Cleaned up all the mess he made with his life, his kids his jobs. He betrayed me. What was wrong with me?

But it wasn't about me!!!!!!! It was about a lying abusive control freak that didn't deserve 25 min of my time much less 25 years! Did I love him. Of course I did. But the point is he didn't deserve to have me. He was just a user. And I allowed it. So if you must talk with these idiots, don't wait or ask for an apology you're never going to get. And if u did it wouldn't be real anyway. These people speak when it works for them. So have no expectations. Stand your ground. Someone better will pop into your life when ur not even looking. Not expecting it. And you will be glad that you didn't stay in the mess.
So lots of hurt now or drag it out slowly for a few decades. Rip off the band aid. He's not gonna change! He just wants you to be ok with it.

Talking things out in therapy will Help give
you some clarity as to whats going on.

Abuse erodes your inner self and creates
Mental and emotional confusion. It generally
does not Improve only gets much worse.

Do you think he is a narc? Or sociopath?

Hugs

The Abuse forum here is great too

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical-Emotional-Abuse/support-group

Your "stuff" is coming up and so is his.

When we're in relationships, if both parties aren't in to learn about themselves and grow through it, this happens. And we can't make the other person want to it. Their life is their journey. Expecting someone else to change is control.

You don't need him to change to change and heal yourself.

I think ending it was the right thing to do and you can now look at yourself and the junk that came up and your own pattern in relationships and change it.

Fact is, he may be wrong to yell and scream at you, but your doing it back means you have some issues as well.

Neither one of you can handle conflict in a healthy manner.

Hi formerly,
I can so relate to your post. I am divorcing just getting someone like this. The thing that's the worst is I had been in a previous relationship that was completely controlling. Then I start a new relationship with someone I planned to grow old with and really love. And never saw this as a controlling relationship, but then it totally turns out this way in the end. The last 3 years have been the worst! I think when guy starts to feel like he is losing you and gets insecure in the relationship, the control gets a lot worse. I can see it clearly now. The hurtful things he says don't get to me as much because I see them for what they are, his insecurity. Furbabymom I love your post! These types of guys will never apologize and always justify their behavior. And she's right he does not deserve to have you and you deserve much better!!!!

Hi. I want to say something completely off from what others are saying, but please keep an open mind.
If you are 100% sure you are done with that relationship and that guy then just let go.
If he sees it or doesn't, it's not your problem. We tend to try to control the situation. Want and demand answers. Want for them to realize what they lost. Need for them to see what they did wrong. But all that is just a way of still caring and wanting them.
We need to let go of our control and simply focus on us. Take a new attitude of: "What they do or think is not my problem. I will take care of myself and heal my own wounds. I will rise and become better each day. I will grow and lesrn from this mistake."
I know it is easier said than done. But it truly is the only way to go.
You said he is punishing you by ignoring you. That is not punishment... that is a favor. He is doing you a favor by showing you who he really is. So now use that and love yourself enough to walk away without one more word and never come back. Find a better life for yourself away from the drama and away from people like him.

I understand you oh so well. It took me 27 or so years to realize that i was in a marriage with a total passive aggressive. Everything you said about your relationship pertains to mine. Everything. He called me bi-polar, depressed, unstable, a bad mom (that one he knew would cut to the core), and on and on. He has never apologized for everything, because he will NOT EVER take responsibility for anything. Even in marriage counseling. It's all someone else's fault. In our relationship it was always me. The double standard is always in effect. No matter how much I try to do for him, ease things for him, it's always not enough. And he never reciprocated in kind to me. Now I know it was wrong from the start.

STBX can not in any healthy way manage conflict, whether it be with people, stuff at work, or his own shortcomings - not bashing him, as we all have shortcomings and problems. The healthy thing to do is take a big picture view of a problem, find alternatives, try alternatives, settle on some kind of solution. The solution may work or fail, but you have to do *something*. He can't do this. He doesn't easily see past the problem, just stays mired in the problem. If I suggest a solution, it's shot down. Then the problems stays and never gets solved. If someone else suggests a solution, well then he may consider it. How hurtful is that to me? Way hurtful. No one likes to be discounted all of the time.

I've drop kicked him, am divorcing him, and am feeling so much better about myself. After decades of being shown (sometimes told but actions were always more powerful - and telling) that my opinion, my mere presence was insignificant to him, my self esteem, which was never high, shot way down. Now, I'm building myself up.

This line hits home and sums it all up: "He says I make him feel bad about himself because I make him take accountability so I'm the abusive one." Accountability for one's own actions is a necessary component to living life in a society of other people. You should never be with this guy or this type of guy again. Recognize him for who he is, and watch for signs with anyone else you develop a relationship with. He could've be passive aggressive with anyone, it takes a *special* kind of person to be his enabler. I'm recognizing my *enabling* tendencies and squelching them. You can do the same too. You already have awareness of PA, so that's a great. Best of luck and stay strong!!!!!

Thank you to everyone for the kind words and support. Clearday1, I am more than aware of my issues and take full accountability for mistakes that I've made. It is very difficult to be with a person that treats you like your feelings are invisible. To put you down in sweet ways so that, if you're not paying attention, you don't even realize it's happening.
When you are constantly having an internal battle with yourself because of the pain that someone you love is causing you. My mistake is that I should have walked away from him. But that's easier said than done.
The first half of our relationship I would tell him how wrong it was to call me names. How it wasn't right to do to the person you dated. Twice, I hurled at name back at him. We will all have moments of anger, not that that's ok, but I shouldn't be expected to always remain calm during injustice, and I also shouldn't have so easily accepted it.

I still say talk to a therapist to find ways to build yourself
Up . Narcs loves codependents thats what they look for
Some one with weak boundaries and not a strong sense
Of self.

I understand where you are coming from and i am in the
Building back up stage. I do not plan on dating until my
Picker is fixed.

Hugs

Once someone calls me a name, I'm gone.

That is not a person I'm subjecting myself to. I don't care what their problem is, I'm gone. No arguing. No subjecting myself to it.

How long were you in the relationship?
How old were you when you started in the relationship?
And how long have you been out?


It's a bit different if you started when you were 16 and have been in it for 30 years, than if this was three weeks last summer.

If you've just been out a few weeks, you might want to vent more online, talk to friends, and maybe look up some articles online.

If it's been a month or two, you might think of getting a book or workbook and reading up more on the issues.

More than 4-6 months, and you might think about some therapy.


Another question though...you post makes it seem like you're still talking/ listening to him? Why? Do you have kids together? If you don't, then what's the point of talking? (If you're not talking...it doesn't matter if he thinks you were abusive, the best person in the world, or made of green cheese...in short...it doesn't matter what he thinks...)

Oh sorry, I just caught the part about breaking up 2 days ago.

First, I'd go no contact. Then vent. Pound some pillows. Maybe buy a few small things to change your place around to make it "new" and help get the memories of him out of there.