Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I am struggling with letting go of my marriage. My wife and I have been married for 5 years and together for 7 years. We have 2 boys (one is from a previous relationship of hers).
3 months ago I found a text on her phone that was sent to her friend about a guy she had been talking to. She indicated in the text that she was going to go to his house to show him that she wasn't ignoring him. After confronting her about this text she lied repeatedly, but ultimately admitted she was talking this guy. She was admit that they were just friends, but as time progressed I continued to catch her in lies. I found her car parked at his house on several occasions (sometimes as late as 2am) and every time she had an excuse. Either it was the guy was a good friend, a shoulder to lean on during this time of uncertainty in our marriage, or she was just completely deny being there.
In the first month after finding the text, I tried believing her and trusting what she was saying was the truth. She said she "needed space" and wasn't sure if she was still in love with me anymore. The more space I gave her, the more she took advantage of it. This is when I really started to see what she was up to and that she didn't care for me anymore. She actually told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to fight for me or our marriage.
Since then, we have filed for divorce, but continue to live together. In the state I am from there is a mandatory 90 day waiting period before you can be divorced. My wife doesn't have money to get an apartment now and will be living in my house until the divorce is final.
I had a long period of time where I cried daily and wondered how this happened to us. Our marriage was great. We never fought, shared the same interests, spent most of our time together, and supported each other fully. We did have some intimacy issues and lost sight of our dating time together. We focused so much energy on the kids, we lost ourselves. Unfortunately neither of us communicated about how we were feeling, but I never thought things were as bad as she clearly did.
This is the part I am struggling to cope with. I have been working extremely hard to detach and move on, but part of me still loves her and cares for her. Even though she has done so much in the last 3 months to hurt me (intentional or not) I can't completely let go. I am at a place now where most days are good, but I still end up falling backwards at times. She doesn't care how this effects me at all. We have come up with a schedule (her idea) for each of us to be able to go out. Every other day she is going out until in the evening. When she goes out she get's all done up and puts on her perfume. She has bought new clothes and new underwear. Some days she comes home extremely late and even when she is home she is always texting. When we are together in the house we barely say a word to each other. She has also started working out 4 days a week and taken an interest in football. I use to ask her to watch it with me and never did she. I feel like she cares for this new guy and his interests a lot.
Has anybody else gone through a similar situation where you are living with your soon to be ex? How do you stay detached and avoid falling backwards? How do you cope with feeling like your significant other actions are a daily giant slap in the face?
I just don't understand. I was always loving, caring, and attentive. She was always the most important thing in my life. I still wonder how much of our marriage was real and what was fake. When did she turn into the person she is now...my wife is gone.
3 months ago I found a text on her phone that was sent to her friend about a guy she had been talking to. She indicated in the text that she was going to go to his house to show him that she wasn't ignoring him. After confronting her about this text she lied repeatedly, but ultimately admitted she was talking this guy. She was admit that they were just friends, but as time progressed I continued to catch her in lies. I found her car parked at his house on several occasions (sometimes as late as 2am) and every time she had an excuse. Either it was the guy was a good friend, a shoulder to lean on during this time of uncertainty in our marriage, or she was just completely deny being there.
In the first month after finding the text, I tried believing her and trusting what she was saying was the truth. She said she "needed space" and wasn't sure if she was still in love with me anymore. The more space I gave her, the more she took advantage of it. This is when I really started to see what she was up to and that she didn't care for me anymore. She actually told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to fight for me or our marriage.
Since then, we have filed for divorce, but continue to live together. In the state I am from there is a mandatory 90 day waiting period before you can be divorced. My wife doesn't have money to get an apartment now and will be living in my house until the divorce is final.
I had a long period of time where I cried daily and wondered how this happened to us. Our marriage was great. We never fought, shared the same interests, spent most of our time together, and supported each other fully. We did have some intimacy issues and lost sight of our dating time together. We focused so much energy on the kids, we lost ourselves. Unfortunately neither of us communicated about how we were feeling, but I never thought things were as bad as she clearly did.
This is the part I am struggling to cope with. I have been working extremely hard to detach and move on, but part of me still loves her and cares for her. Even though she has done so much in the last 3 months to hurt me (intentional or not) I can't completely let go. I am at a place now where most days are good, but I still end up falling backwards at times. She doesn't care how this effects me at all. We have come up with a schedule (her idea) for each of us to be able to go out. Every other day she is going out until in the evening. When she goes out she get's all done up and puts on her perfume. She has bought new clothes and new underwear. Some days she comes home extremely late and even when she is home she is always texting. When we are together in the house we barely say a word to each other. She has also started working out 4 days a week and taken an interest in football. I use to ask her to watch it with me and never did she. I feel like she cares for this new guy and his interests a lot.
Has anybody else gone through a similar situation where you are living with your soon to be ex? How do you stay detached and avoid falling backwards? How do you cope with feeling like your significant other actions are a daily giant slap in the face?
I just don't understand. I was always loving, caring, and attentive. She was always the most important thing in my life. I still wonder how much of our marriage was real and what was fake. When did she turn into the person she is now...my wife is gone.
Do any of you wonder how much of your marriage/relationship was real? Do you question when it changed and how long have you truly been blind to the new person in your life? I wonder these questions along with how long she actually had been cheating on me for.
As a woman I can tell you that she seems not to have respect for herself if not only is she or has she detached herself from you, but she is behaving in such a way infront of you that only makes things just more uncomfortable. I'm sure there is a ton of love from your end to her still. And it's so hard when there is love. To me, love is what makes us live. Love is gives us life. Trying to find an explanation to their behaviors when we have given it our all, the good and the bad moments, it's just so draining. Yet, trying to not focus on that can sometimes be so hard. So it's like we for sure know our reality, we want to move forward, but then one little thing brings you back to that dark place where you feel so sad and just rejected, disrespected, unwanted, empty, and maybe even lifeless. I can tell you that everything is going to be ok. We only hit rock bottom with these emotions to raise again and truly be happy.
As far as your questions to your last post, I say a far as me goes that YES, I've asked that almost every day. Why? How? Since when? Was there a clue? Did I not see it? Could I have prevented this? But then, the more I kept thinking about it, the more I was blaming myself for not seeing it coming. I had to stop asking myself those questions so many times. I had to learn to forgive myself, trying now at least which is my journey, for the things that I could have done better or said better or appreciate more. I had to learn that I can only control my own actions and emotions and decisions. Not his. He lost, not me. I gave it my all, I fought hard for us and the family, I poured my heart out, I gave him time, I know in me that I loved him so deeply and sincerely. That helped me stopped asking myself those questions over and over again. Next, I have to forgive him. He is the father of my son, I spent part of my life with him, inside I know he is not a bad man, but he forgot who he was and what we were and made decisions that hurt a lot of people and he is the one that has to live with them and answer to that above.
Stay strong and continue what you're doing. It seems it has helped you personally to overcome some of those bad days! Keep in touch!
:-)