Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I am struggling with letting go of my marriage. My wife and I have been married for 5 years and together for 7 years. We have 2 boys (one is from a previous relationship of hers).
3 months ago I found a text on her phone that was sent to her friend about a guy she had been talking to. She indicated in the text that she was going to go to his house to show him that she wasn't ignoring him. After confronting her about this text she lied repeatedly, but ultimately admitted she was talking this guy. She was admit that they were just friends, but as time progressed I continued to catch her in lies. I found her car parked at his house on several occasions (sometimes as late as 2am) and every time she had an excuse. Either it was the guy was a good friend, a shoulder to lean on during this time of uncertainty in our marriage, or she was just completely deny being there.
In the first month after finding the text, I tried believing her and trusting what she was saying was the truth. She said she "needed space" and wasn't sure if she was still in love with me anymore. The more space I gave her, the more she took advantage of it. This is when I really started to see what she was up to and that she didn't care for me anymore. She actually told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to fight for me or our marriage.
Since then, we have filed for divorce, but continue to live together. In the state I am from there is a mandatory 90 day waiting period before you can be divorced. My wife doesn't have money to get an apartment now and will be living in my house until the divorce is final.
I had a long period of time where I cried daily and wondered how this happened to us. Our marriage was great. We never fought, shared the same interests, spent most of our time together, and supported each other fully. We did have some intimacy issues and lost sight of our dating time together. We focused so much energy on the kids, we lost ourselves. Unfortunately neither of us communicated about how we were feeling, but I never thought things were as bad as she clearly did.
This is the part I am struggling to cope with. I have been working extremely hard to detach and move on, but part of me still loves her and cares for her. Even though she has done so much in the last 3 months to hurt me (intentional or not) I can't completely let go. I am at a place now where most days are good, but I still end up falling backwards at times. She doesn't care how this effects me at all. We have come up with a schedule (her idea) for each of us to be able to go out. Every other day she is going out until in the evening. When she goes out she get's all done up and puts on her perfume. She has bought new clothes and new underwear. Some days she comes home extremely late and even when she is home she is always texting. When we are together in the house we barely say a word to each other. She has also started working out 4 days a week and taken an interest in football. I use to ask her to watch it with me and never did she. I feel like she cares for this new guy and his interests a lot.
Has anybody else gone through a similar situation where you are living with your soon to be ex? How do you stay detached and avoid falling backwards? How do you cope with feeling like your significant other actions are a daily giant slap in the face?
I just don't understand. I was always loving, caring, and attentive. She was always the most important thing in my life. I still wonder how much of our marriage was real and what was fake. When did she turn into the person she is now...my wife is gone.
3 months ago I found a text on her phone that was sent to her friend about a guy she had been talking to. She indicated in the text that she was going to go to his house to show him that she wasn't ignoring him. After confronting her about this text she lied repeatedly, but ultimately admitted she was talking this guy. She was admit that they were just friends, but as time progressed I continued to catch her in lies. I found her car parked at his house on several occasions (sometimes as late as 2am) and every time she had an excuse. Either it was the guy was a good friend, a shoulder to lean on during this time of uncertainty in our marriage, or she was just completely deny being there.
In the first month after finding the text, I tried believing her and trusting what she was saying was the truth. She said she "needed space" and wasn't sure if she was still in love with me anymore. The more space I gave her, the more she took advantage of it. This is when I really started to see what she was up to and that she didn't care for me anymore. She actually told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to fight for me or our marriage.
Since then, we have filed for divorce, but continue to live together. In the state I am from there is a mandatory 90 day waiting period before you can be divorced. My wife doesn't have money to get an apartment now and will be living in my house until the divorce is final.
I had a long period of time where I cried daily and wondered how this happened to us. Our marriage was great. We never fought, shared the same interests, spent most of our time together, and supported each other fully. We did have some intimacy issues and lost sight of our dating time together. We focused so much energy on the kids, we lost ourselves. Unfortunately neither of us communicated about how we were feeling, but I never thought things were as bad as she clearly did.
This is the part I am struggling to cope with. I have been working extremely hard to detach and move on, but part of me still loves her and cares for her. Even though she has done so much in the last 3 months to hurt me (intentional or not) I can't completely let go. I am at a place now where most days are good, but I still end up falling backwards at times. She doesn't care how this effects me at all. We have come up with a schedule (her idea) for each of us to be able to go out. Every other day she is going out until in the evening. When she goes out she get's all done up and puts on her perfume. She has bought new clothes and new underwear. Some days she comes home extremely late and even when she is home she is always texting. When we are together in the house we barely say a word to each other. She has also started working out 4 days a week and taken an interest in football. I use to ask her to watch it with me and never did she. I feel like she cares for this new guy and his interests a lot.
Has anybody else gone through a similar situation where you are living with your soon to be ex? How do you stay detached and avoid falling backwards? How do you cope with feeling like your significant other actions are a daily giant slap in the face?
I just don't understand. I was always loving, caring, and attentive. She was always the most important thing in my life. I still wonder how much of our marriage was real and what was fake. When did she turn into the person she is now...my wife is gone.
It's so hard to live a lie and have her think that it's ok to continue to do what she is doing behind my back.
Second, I did not have to live with my Ex during the separation or divorce, but I do have some suggestions that may help you.
I know it is easier said than done, but you have to start getting into a new routine. Detaching is a state of mind, so sometimes if we can't will our mind to get there, we have to fake it til we make it. You truly ARE in a roommate situation. As much as it hurts, remind yourself of that and try to live accordingly. Not to make it a competition or anything, don't do what you do to make her notice or attempt to make her jealous or anything. But, do plan things for yourself, both in the home and out of it, that do not include her. And do not offer her explanations for what you do or don't do. Join some meet up groups in your area, or go see a friend or family member, or take yourself to the movies or out for coffee, join a gym (preferably a different one from her), etc. Pursue your own interests. It really does help us to detach and move on, if we take care of ourselves and throw ourselves into activities we want to do.
I would also avoid contact as much as possible. At this point, there is little point in speaking with her. If you were living apart, I'd suggest total No Contact, but since you have to live together, keep it to necessary information only. Again, I know this is easier said than done. But, she's made it clear with her actions that she is moving on. She stepped out on your marriage, at the very least emotionally (but I'm sorry, I don't think the 2 AM visits were "innocent"). She does not deserve your respect, and as you pointed out, she continues to lie to you, so there is little point in engaging in conversation with her.
As much as it hurts that she did this to you, let the hurt fuel you into devoting your time and effort into caring for you.
I know it is so extremely hard right now. It truly does get better, in time, and when you put your focus on taking care of you.
((HUGS))
The actions of our ex's is a slap in the face. I became very very angry . I was the one who never argued and put up with everything for the sake of our marriage and he wants to leave me and my child just like that. I was snapping at him left and right . Now I just don't speak to him at all. If my son didn't want him here through Christmas and if I didn't need to prepare for going into a single I come he would be out !the plan is January he will be leaving or at least start to keep his money and leave . She has such a good friend in this guy then tell her she needs to go and stay with him .If she needs you but you don't need her financially I would tell her she has 30 days to leave. It is her problem . My husband wants to stay much longer then January to finish paying off his debt so he can leave comfortably . I could care less if he is comfortable when starting his new life after he hurt me and my child so much. So in my mind January I will tell him it is time for him to leave.
History of your lives is history . My ex and I were together for 23 years . But I tell myself this is what it is now . He has become this person he is now and not the man I married. He is a stranger now. You have to start being selfish , think of yourself first. I never put myself first my entire marriage . It is time to now. You have to put yourself first now. She made a choice. It was her choice. If she has a rough time leaving financially , this is not your problem , it is hers. It's not your job to continue to make life easier for her. Take care of yourself first.
The house is in my name only and purchased before we were married. I have already talked to my lawyer and she can't force me to sell it. She is only entitled to the equity. I would love for her to move out or even throw her out, but I am in a common law state and can't force her to move out. Once the divorce is final I can and then will change the locks. So until then my options are very limited. She definitely is living comfortable and it pains me to know I can't stop it.
I have started focusing on me and have taken up a few new hobbies. This has been a great distraction and has helped with the healing process. I also avoid as much communication with her as I can. We only talk about the kids and say "hi" & "bye".
I still don't understand how this alien replaced the woman I promised to love until death do us part.
If she has money to spend on new clothes, lingerie and the gym, then she has enough money to save up to move out. She will just continue to take from you until there is nothing left. Going out to be with another man while living with you is disrespectful to you and your children. Tell her to move out. Work out a custody/parenting plan and tell her to leave.
I wish I could tell you to hold out hope that she will realize what an idiot she is and that you were the best thing that happened to her, but I can't. I held out hope for too long and allowed my stbx husband to continue to disrespect and abuse me. She has made a selfish choice, just as my stbx made. they put themselves before their families, before their children and before us. You deserve better. So do I.
I know I wasn't perfect, nobody ever is, but I truly treated her like gold. I took in her son when he was only a few months old (we knew each other for about a year prior) and never looked back. I never regretted my decision and truly consider him my son. In fact, even after the divorce I plan on having him just as much as my biological son. They are brothers and I will always be his dad.
I just don't know how you do the things she is doing to me after everything I did for them both. I am worried about my future relationship with him (he is 7) as I never adopted him. The funny thing is we were in the process of starting the formal adoption.
All I can focus on now is being the best dad for the both of them and working on some areas in my personal life where i can be better for the next relationship. I know a lot of my wife's comments about what I needed to work on were to justify her actions, but some were valid. Those I will look to improve upon and ensure in my next relationship that we have open communication.
I never want to feel like this again and be treated so horribly by the woman I use to call my wife.
She never once gave me a sign that she wanted out. She was excited about the new house and adopting her son. I don't know where the red flags were, but I am sure they had to be there...unless it truly started a few weeks prior to reading the text.
I will never know or understand how she put on such a good show.
Stay in the present and work on your future. In time you'll get to the point where the thought of reconciliation with her will be not only a distant memory but you'll be so disgusted with her you won't want to disrespect yourself getting back with her. If my ex wife showed up on my doorstep now I'd slam the door after telling her to f*ck off. It's a matter of self esteem and self preservation. My ex left me for some assclown who has 4 kids with 4 different women. So eventually she's gonna have to come to grips with that but maybe she never will. I really don't care anymore. You'll get to that point.
I feel the same and feel disgusted at her
and I have self respect again.... I would never let someone so awful to me ever return....
or have the honour of my love again
Betrayal.. Neglect and abuse.....No Thanks
We all deserve better
I can't stress enough how important these things have been so far for my healing. Especially since I have to live with her until FEBRUARY!
I do regret not understanding our struggles prior to all this unfolding. I truly believe our marriage could have been saved if she communicated her feelings and/or I realized we were drifting apart. The kids became the priority, we didn't talk much, and really just became roommates with benefits in the last year. I loved her just the same, but I now know the impact this had on her feeling loved and lack of intimacy.
You can't undo the past and although I was 100% committed to owning our struggles while becoming a better husband, she didn't want to come along for the ride. I wish we could have figured it out because I truly believe we could have come out the other side 10 times better than we ever were. Unfortunately, she ran toward another man and refused to work on our marriage for us and for our kids.
Long story short we have 1 son so we talked about trying work things out for him and go to counseling. He decided he didn't want to that, and that he needed to start fresh. That was the biggest kick in the face. I realized I had lost who I was in the 6 years we were married. We started divorce mediation and still live in the same house. Our house is going up for sale on Thursday and it's horrible living with him. We fight about holidays coming up, child custody schedule, and then sometimes i just get so mad at him that he had so little respect for me to cheat on me. I wish I can say it gets easier, but I have no idea. I cry at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I'm not even sure why. Im hoping our house sells fast and that once I'm not living with him it will be better. Our custody is 50/50 so that too will be hard not having my son a lot of the time.
I hope it gets easier for you, and I'm sorry your wife did this to you. Sometimes people are just selfish and only care about themselves. I just hope karma comes back around some day.
I think I have almost completely disconnected emotionally from her. This is due in part to my approach that started about 6 weeks ago. At that time, I was still holding on hope and tried to personally do a 180. Show her how different of a person I was and how I could live without her. I stopped begging, crying, pleading, and instead never let her see how I was feeling inside. I did this to try and have her see what she would be missing and that I was moving on. As I did this and she continued to disrespect me with her actions, I knew it was over and just continued to interact with her the same way.
I just can not rap my head around how mentally someone changes that much so quickly. I honestly thought I knew her and what she stood for. I thought we would spend our life together making memories. Now this person is a stranger and I honestly don't know who is living under my roof. How does this actually happen to a person? I mean I could never imagine being like that with anyone, let alone my significant other.