Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Danceintherain 07/31/2017

Hi Everyone,

I've been dealing with my husband's betrayl of our 24 year relationship for the last 13 months and have gone through 4 of the 5 stages of grief. I am now in the final phase of my journey. Anger. I'm so angry. So very, very angry. I'm freaking pissed off. Why does he get to blow up my life, our life, our kid's life and act like he did nothing? I'm angry I wasted half my life with this man and he walks out on our family to be with our best friend's wife because he's tired of "just good enough." I'm so mad that I want to punch something. (I'm not a violent person) My throat has closed up and I can barely swallow. I gave this man everything. Everything. I trusted this man with my life. We discussed and made decisions together. We were involved with our children and their school events and sports teams. We were philanthropic in our community. We didn't have massive fights. We don't have any horrible issues like what some of the other couples are dealing with. We looked like the perfect family. I thought we were the perfect family. Then everything changed a couple of years ago. I came back from a trip and he had checked out. Distant, started treating me like I didn't exist. Created situations where he would say one thing and do another causing me to get upset to make me "the villain". Lost weight, changed his hair etc. He doesn't deserve a woman who is honest, loyal, trustworthy, kind, strong, independent, caring, great mother, thoughtful, respectful, doesn't do drugs or gamble, not an alcoholic, no medical or mental issues and someone who never, never spoke poorly about him to anyone (not even to my parents). It's one of the reasons everyone is so shocked. Not saying I don't have my faults but, I am very aware of my strengths and weaknesses and would always be open to working on anything. I did everything I could to save this marriage but he wants her. Those attributes are only "good enough". Now he's with her. A woman who called me best friend for 5 years. Apparantly, he wants someone that is complicit to lie and cheat on her husband. Someone who doesn't care if she breaks up the marriage and family of her best friend. That's what he finds good enough. Gross. I don't want him back. I'm not hoping for a reconciliation. I'm at the point of good riddance but I'm just still really, really angry. Angry that he would have so little respect for me and our kids. Angry that he's abandoned our family in all respects except financially. That I will give him credit for. He has continued to maintain our standard of living so I don't have to seek employment or stress about money. For that I am very thankful. Angry, he sees the kids for about an hour a week to go to dinner. He was everything to them. Angry that he has had them overnight once, ONCE and for one night in the last 13 months. Yet he tells them that they are the most important thing in his life. Angry that he doesn't even feel bad about what he has done to me or our family. Angry that he won't even admit to the affair. I'm just really, really angry and I don't like feeling like this. I actually prefer the crying. Atleast something was coming out. I know this is normal and all part of the grieving process but, I feel like I'm a bottle of soda that had a mentos dropped in it but the cap was put back on so the eruption is trapped inside the bottle. Any advice on how to work through this anger? Thanks for listening. Hope you all are doing well.

themiddle 07/31/2017

I can't help with advice on how to work on it because I am only three weeks into the journey but my situation is the exact same except the OW was a stranger online instead of my best friend. And I can prove the affair because she just had his baby. All of my friends say I need to be angry. Right now I am in shock I think and still somewhat nice to him. I am kind of looking forward to the angry stage.

Hugs to you!

Danceintherain 07/31/2017

@themiddle - Oh my gosh! That's horrible. I'm so sorry.

Imlosingit 07/31/2017

Last step is letting go... you've done all you can do. He can only hurt you now if you let him. Let him be in his own world. And you create and live in a better one for you and your kids. Don't let him take that away from you. Hug. I wish I could do what I say. But I'm still in the hurting stage.

Danceintherain 07/31/2017

@Imlosingit - Thank you. I no longer think about him/them constantly. I've keep everything the same in my kid's lives. Same routines etc. They are the most important things right now. Good luck with your journey. It's a rough road for all of us but those that are farther along than me keep saying that life will be even better. I just keep believing in that and moving forward. Hugs

heartache5 07/31/2017

Im only 3 weeks in, we may work things out so situation is a little different. I haven't looked up the 5 steps your mentioning, but if 4 is angry than Im at 4, we still live together, we have a 1 year old, and when he says that our kid is his priority I just attack him cause he's bullshitting himself, at no point was his kid his priority not when he was conceived, not when I was pregnant and not after cause he cheated and if he had just thought of his so-called "priority" son he would not have done it, he was not his priority, himself was his only priority, and I get soooo mad if he lies to himself about that. So I really can understand your anger, it must be heartbreaking to see how little he now shows interest in the kids. I too feel angry, every conversation ends angry, Im angry and bitter and that's not who I am or who I want to be. Not that I care if I hurt him with being angry but I just don't want to feel like this just like you. Sorry I haven't found the cure yet either :(

Danceintherain 08/01/2017

@heartache5- I'm so sorry. How horrible. You are worth more. Try to stop giving him your energy. Try to just focus on you and your son and do things that make you two happy. It will help. He's a fool to treat you that way. The 5 steps happen in a different order for everyone. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Good luck, stay strong but it's okay to feel bad too. It's all part of it. Hugs to you.

Lenoire 08/01/2017

I don't believe you can shake off this sort of anger. Many betrayed spouses feel as you do now, years down the road, dullened only by distraction. You can't shake it off, but you can transform it into a higher level of understanding and emotional intelligence, giving you superior strength and freedom from the purgatory of those thoughts.

What you believe, and the story you create in your mind, will rule how you move through the stage of anger. You're dealing with an injustice, which cannot be turned back, and affects you and your children, like that of a death. Your marriage has died, and you have to mourn it. Remove all expectations from him. Don't make excuses for him to the children, let them know how much you love them, and they will be just fine.

Begin by doing a land survey of his character, from the days since you met him and known him over the years, and map him out. Take a really good long look at who he is, his character, his flaws, etc., and you might be surprised at how well all the dots connect. You sound like you can do circles around most people, so I'm wondering how much of the making of your family was provided by you. People don't just change, the potential is there already, it just needs a catalyst to surface.

Figuring this out, and seeing people, a husband, for who he truly is, can lead one to eventually shift away from anger. The same goes for her; she's a pile of shit. People like them are people you want to keep as far away from your psyche as possible, and now you're an expert at being able to spot them and avoid them.

Use this time to learn about yourself, what you put up with, and what you will never allow again, and carve it into stone. You are a powerful person, and the real crime would be to let yourself fall. Rise above it and take the highest road. You don't need a poison like him to create your family unit, you've created that, and nothing or no one can take that from you, not ever.

The disgust over what they have done, and recognizing what people are capable of, will keep you strong as a fort and protective of what you have. Don't give any of your energy to them. Keep the power of your thoughts for you and your kids, and use it to further yourselves. If he only sees them once a year for a sleepover, even better. The fact that she may not want them around, high five. Go with what you have, and refuse to think about or compare yourself to people who are far beneath you.

Wishing you well.

Danceintherain 08/01/2017

@Lenoire - Thank you so much. I really appreciate your post. I actually laughed out loud at one point! Thanks for the smile. :) Yes, looking back at everything I can see how little he valued me. Painful as it is. I asked his advice and permission for everything in the creation of our life (even down to what I wore). I always wanted to please him. He was always agreeable, we never really had any major arguments but now I get to hear about all the resentments he has built up because he "really didn't want to do any of those things". Gee, my mistake, I took your yes for meaning yes. Just to be clear, he sees them once a week for a lunch or dinner. He just hasn't had them overnight except for Father's day. Luckily or unluckily, they are old enough to see what he is and isn't doing. I don't speak poorly of him to them because ultimately he is and will always be their father. I've taken the high road. I wanted to show my teenagers how to handle a really bad situation maturely with dignity, grace and a really good attorney. Yes, they've seen me breakdown crying a couple of times but I really try to keep moving forward, head high, being positive.

Your land map suggestion is very interesting. I have written pages and pages in a journal I started the day he blew up our marriage. I have had some pretty big realizations over the last year. The most shocking (to me because I never saw it until a few months ago) is - he is a full blown passive-aggressive narcissist. Has to be liked by everyone, bugs him if he isn't. Lives for acknowledgement and accolades. Always had to be "cool", the cool parent, the cool dude etc. I realized that in all the years together, I have never heard him actually have a solid opinion on anything. He is just so wishy-washy with everything.

I've been working on myself, and I realized that for a long time I haven't loved myself. I let how he valued me affect how I value myself. He shattered me and I let him. Not anymore. I've read a lot of books about all the emotional aspects of separation/divorce. I've really worked hard to put myself back together. I have spent numerous hours journaling and speaking to a therapist. I'm in a good place for the most part. This anger just popped up the other day. But again all part of the process, right.

I've already started my "list" of what I am looking for and not looking for when I am ready to date again. Right now, I can't. My heart is in suspended animation. I know it will come back to life, the question is when? There isn't an answer. It's just time and healing. Plus I have things I want to do. Places I want to see. I don't want to have to think about if it is okay with someone else.

For now I'm focusing every bit of energy I have to my kids, myself.... and my divorce attorney :)

Thank you again for your post! Hugs!

Koko 08/01/2017

I haven't posted in a while but I've been through this the last 6 months. I thought I had gone through the acceptance stage but now I am back at anger. I hear that you will go through roller coaster of emotions throughout but it does not make things easier. I have tried to work out, focus on myself, read, etc. hopefully we will get through this stronger than before. Hugs.

Danceintherain 08/01/2017

@Koko - I've been told things will still bubble up from time to time. We've been betrayed. It's horrible but all part of this emotionally draining process. I'm here if you want to talk. Hugs.

PeteMason 08/01/2017

The seven stages of grief according to website Psychology Today:

1. Desperate for Answers
2. Denial
3. Bargaining
4. Relapse
5. Anger
6. Initial Acceptance
7. Redirected hope

All grievers go through this process, proof positive then that you come out the other side well and better off for the experience, a fact that I can attest to, and remember, there is no time limit, for instance it took me seven years and my sister only one.

PeteMason 08/01/2017

No life experience is wasted, all of them teach a positive lesson in the end when emotion is finally removed from the equation. "He doesn't deserve a woman who is honest, loyal, trustworthy, kind, strong, independent, caring, great mother, thoughtful, respectful, doesn't do drugs or gamble, not an alcoholic, no medical or mental issues and someone who never, never spoke poorly about him to anyone (not even to my parents)." I agree with you, you are everything he is required to be also. When venting your sole focus should be on him and his actions, he left you to be with somebody else remember, it matters not who that someone else happens to be, whether or not you realize it you are cutting him undeserved slack by diverting your attention away from him to her. I didn't live with him so I don't know him, based on what you have said about him though, the very least he is is selfish, sadly a common male trait.

newjourney1 08/02/2017

I am 1 1/2 years into my situation. Which I now refer to as my freedom. It was similar to yours. A betrayal out of the blue. Such utter disrespect. How I dealt with the tsunami of anger I experienced was through physical movement and mindfulness training. I signed up for a boxing course. There one can safely and effectively knock the crap out of your partner who wears protective 'mitts' to music. Brilliant. The mindfulness is still a work in progress but helps you harness the powerful run away thought spirals that can keep you prisoner. You will get through this. Let karma do the rest for the dirt bag that cheated on you.

Brookie 08/02/2017

Great advise here. Thank you. Danceintherain, I can relate. I found out 3 months ago that my best friend and lover for almost 30 years had found another. I was happy. I thought he was. He 2 months ago he left us, moved 5 states away to live with his Boyfriend that he met online 6 months ago. Posts pics and comments about this dude being "the love of his life." My daughter is the one who saw it since he basicly shoves his posts in her face ...i guess he wants her approval. He was an awesome hands on dad but now acts like he doesn't even k ow us. Sporadic brief texts and checks. Quit his good job so I don't even know if he has any money. I looked back on his former fb account and last year I was the best thing that ever happened to him on 4 separate posts. So WTH? I am so angry too! He LEFT me and the two daughters who adored him! POOF! He's gay so 28 years and the girls are null and void...as if we never even happened??? It's mind boggling.
I am now trying to figure out how to accept that I will never understand and try to forgive as relative as possible to this situation. The anger is eating me and that's the last thong I deserve. Especially for my precious daughters.

Findingmywaytome 08/02/2017

Anger gets such a bad rap. The emotions that fuel it (hurt and sadness) pick at our emotional bones just when we think we've moved forward. At a MC session last week, I (finally) exploded to my H; he was droning on and on about how he was alone and he was sad, and I "wasn't that into him"...and I had enough. I yelled (!!!) at him that he did choose other people over me--he chose to have sex with another woman and chose to give his attention to another man over me. I was furious that he could even try to wrap this around me and get the MC to believe him. I called him a liar and a cheat--and that if I'd known when the other relationships started I would have left him. Right away, no looking back. I think this is why it took him 6 years to tell me about her and 1 year for him to realize the emotional investment he made in his "Friend". For all those years, I stood there like an idiot and blamed myself for his unhappiness. Well, no more. If I have any "wisdom" to impart it is this--the spouse who cheats does it for him/herself and no one else. The decision to invest in another person--physically, emotionally, etc--was theirs alone. There is nothing, short of the often prayed for time machine, that you can do about his decisions. You have control over you. We are powerful in our own right and where we are broken, we can choose to mend it. I hate my husband's decisions; I sometimes hate him. What I'm not going to do is let his decisions take any more of my life away. I'm 9 weeks in and feeling stronger to confront the issues every day. You will survive and ultimately thrive because you're looking inward whereas they looked outward. Keep up the good work. You deserve so much better.

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