Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi all !
I'm posting this in the hopes that someone else, if not all of you, have gone through a similar thing.
My stbx started an affair at the start of this year and moved out of the family home in June - she didn't move in with her new partrner but saw him every day and still does.
We are currently going through the process of divorce as well.
We have 2 children of 6 and 9 years old....my 6 year old is coping really well with the situation but my 9 year old is really struggling and getting upset most of the time.....his only wish being that mum and dad will come back together.
I should explain at this point that me and my stbx share the kids on a 50:50 basis which works out about 15 days each a month. I have spent hours talking to my 9 year old about the situation and explaining to him that its not his fault and sometimes in life these things happen. I am also arranging counselling for him with the school and outside of school.
The main problem at the moment is that my stbx has started popping in on the odd occassion for coffee and a chat and to tell me basically that the honeymoon period with the new guy is over and he isn't the man she thought he was.........surprise, surprise. Now I have been with my stbx for 21 years and have always looked after her so am finding that when she comes around I am giving her advice about her new relationship and actually feeling sorry for her.
I know I need to harden up and show her the door but thats not the sort of guy I am........I'll say as well at this point that I have no feelings for her whatsover and would love for her to say that her and her new partner were getting on well......that would make me relax a bit more.
I have also started getting pressure from her parents, basically saying that her new relationship is going to end soon and how lovely for the kids it would be if we got back together.
Now I hate to see my 9 year old so upset and feel I would do anything to end his misery but don't I deserve better??? and surely I shouldn't take her back just for the childrens sake.
How do I break ties with someone after so long???
Sorry to sound off but any advice would be most welcome at the moment....
Tony UK.......
I'm posting this in the hopes that someone else, if not all of you, have gone through a similar thing.
My stbx started an affair at the start of this year and moved out of the family home in June - she didn't move in with her new partrner but saw him every day and still does.
We are currently going through the process of divorce as well.
We have 2 children of 6 and 9 years old....my 6 year old is coping really well with the situation but my 9 year old is really struggling and getting upset most of the time.....his only wish being that mum and dad will come back together.
I should explain at this point that me and my stbx share the kids on a 50:50 basis which works out about 15 days each a month. I have spent hours talking to my 9 year old about the situation and explaining to him that its not his fault and sometimes in life these things happen. I am also arranging counselling for him with the school and outside of school.
The main problem at the moment is that my stbx has started popping in on the odd occassion for coffee and a chat and to tell me basically that the honeymoon period with the new guy is over and he isn't the man she thought he was.........surprise, surprise. Now I have been with my stbx for 21 years and have always looked after her so am finding that when she comes around I am giving her advice about her new relationship and actually feeling sorry for her.
I know I need to harden up and show her the door but thats not the sort of guy I am........I'll say as well at this point that I have no feelings for her whatsover and would love for her to say that her and her new partner were getting on well......that would make me relax a bit more.
I have also started getting pressure from her parents, basically saying that her new relationship is going to end soon and how lovely for the kids it would be if we got back together.
Now I hate to see my 9 year old so upset and feel I would do anything to end his misery but don't I deserve better??? and surely I shouldn't take her back just for the childrens sake.
How do I break ties with someone after so long???
Sorry to sound off but any advice would be most welcome at the moment....
Tony UK.......
it won't be long before she hooks up with someone else, and the kids will have to go thru all of this again. that would be alot worse, think about that...
Yes, your kids would love to see you back together, but in the long run, I think, that it would be teaching them the wrong morals!
I don't see how you could have a "normal" family life if you are constantly worried about her cheating again and the strain of that will rub off on the kids!
You are a very strong person to be able to give your wife dating advise,, wow.. that one actually blows my mind!
Yes, it can be very confusing when the stbx comes around again and starts the "I made a big mistake" talk. My stbx did it too, and I found myself reverting right back to the old habits. Fortunately, for me, I caught myself in time and stopped contact with him. And sure enough, he went back to his ow and has reverted back to his old nasty ways.
I think your situation is quite typical. What you have to decide is what you really want--don't reconcile for the kids. That would be a mistake. Ultimately children grow up and leave and then you are left with the spouse. Better make sure you're both in it for love.
I'm glad you are getting counseling for your son. It will help him sort out his feelings.
I think I would tell your stbx that her visits and chats are confusing the children (because it probably is). That she can come by to visit them, but you will no longer discuss her dating and personal stuff with her. It's better for you, for the kids, for everyone.
And yes, you deserve better. My gut feeling is she will cheat again, given time. Don't put yourself or your children through this again if you don't have to.
Peace and hugs.