That was the night before my wedding. I remember the whole can't be with or sleep with her the night before, its bad luck, that whole thing, I didn't like it then - it seemed like not being with her would bring back luck. . I had family in from all over the place, friends in from back home, down south, up north, really had a great party, great time. I remember thinking about how I could finally settle down, have a loving life and loving wife, shower her with love and affection, it was such a great time of hope in my life.

During our first year of marriage we went through wine country. I bought a bottle of wine, several actually. One for our first anniversary, one for our 5th, 10th, 25th. I remember drinking the first, and the fifth. The tenth, things were already bad, I threw it away, and the 25th, the one we should have drank together tomorrow, I don't even know what happened to it. Probably like the whole marriage thing, for us, down the drain.

We've been separated for a long time. We lived in separate rooms for at least 5 years, and I moved out over 2 years ago. Would be divorced except for no more money to litigate and no agreement. She's not in my life or my thoughts much, except when discussing our kids. But today, thinking about what I thought woulda/coulda/shoulda been, well, I'm sad about the whole thing. Yet again.

I guess I'm just venting here. I used to have quite a few friends here, now not so much, they all seem to have left, kind of like me. But I still know some here, and on other boards. I just feel so very alone now.