forgiveness is a choice.you can forgive you spouse or significant other if they are wiling to make changes so it doesnot happen again. we all make mistakes. some times we hurt the ones we love and regret it.

I wouldn't find it necessary to forgive either action. What I would do is accept that is how the person is and move on with my life without them. I would forgive myself for falling and staying with that person but don't find it necessary to forgive them in order to move on.

I am willing to fix my mistakes and change. He is so hurt from my hurtful words but I grew up in a home where verbal abuse is continuously used all the time between my parents, I did not get to see a healthy relationship. I always get angry and just say really hurtful things that I do regret later. But I am trying to change myself and not be like my parents. I just wish he would forgive me...

Neither of the two scenarios is worthy of forgiveness. Forgiveness means different things to different people. For me forgiveness means releasing the toxic feeling that in the end will hurt me, not the doer, but does not been absolving the doer from responsibility. The problem with forgiveness is that are some individuals that keep repeating the same hurtful act.
Are they worthy of forgiveness? Absolutely not, they don't have the ability to self monitor in order to stop.

Forgiveness is simply acknowledging that people are fallable and its for you to be able to have peace in your heart and life. It doesn't mean you continue to allow it to be something you endure but rather acknowledge it's the other persons issue and allow yourseof to take away its power to hurt you, Hugs to you.

I'd get away from both of them first.

But I am one of them, how do i get away from myself? I am working on changing my anger issues and verbal abuse. I am on here, I go see a therapist, and I'm really doing all I can. But I miss him and I hate that he can't forgive me for all the mean words I've said when I would get really frustrated. I have forgiven him for his lies.. I just want him back. I love him soooo much.

Neither are easy to deal with. My ex lied about everything and was a terrible foul mouthed abuser. No-one wants to be the recipient of constant verbal abuse. What people say to you ofter hurts more than what they do to you physically because we file these words in our memory and forgetting is an entirely different issue altogether.

As far as lying is concerned, there has to be a trust in a relationship and without it, the relationship is on shaky grounds and will probably not survive.

You must work on you and he must work on himself if either of you expect this relationship to ever reconcile.

I could give you person examples of my experiences but, would prefer to do so in a personal message. I wish you the very best.

Hi.

I can relate with you. While I wasn't verbally abusive to my ex, I did anger easily. Not very often at her, but at things.

That is great that you are seeing a therapist. That is a great start. Consider joining an anger management group as well.

Something that helped me was reading the book called Anger Free. It has a lot of great strategies for dealing with anger, how to recognize it and label it correctly.

Some of the things I have taken from that book are.
- Remove or severely limit alcohol, caffeine (especially coffee and cigarettes. These things play havoc on the nervous system and put us into a constant state of fight or flight or at least put us severely close to it.
- Learn to breath. Meditate, learn to meditate on the go. When you start to feel the frustrations or what ever feeling you get prior to your anger, stop and take a breath. Center yourself and remember where you are.
Be there now, and breath. Learning how to cycle your breathing will bring you down. This works for almost all stressful situations.

As for if he'll come back. I'm not sure. I can understand how you feel though. I used to beat myself up when I would get angry. I always believed that I would have the opportunity to do better tomorrow.
I still believe this and you should to. You know you are working on yourself and as long as you keep striving to change you can.

Also keep in mind that anger is healthy. We have been trained to believe it isn't and it is. It's how you deal with the anger that is what makes it unhealthy. You need to learn to channel it or remove yourself temporarily from what makes you angry, even if that means telling the person who you are angry at that you need a break and will come back to the conversation when you have calmed down.

Let no one ever tell you that leopards do not change their spots, it's bullshit. You can change!

I wish you strength in your journey and know that you are not alone. Anger is a tough demon to fight and one I fight with myself.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

@sinclair79 Thank you so much. Your words made my night. I will buy that book. I have been reading a lot on forgiveness. I think a lot of my issues come with the anger I have held over the years and the many times I have been hurt and that is my way of protecting myself but I have started hurting people in the process. My dad has major anger issues and is very abusive. I watched the whole family suffer every day to this day. But I don't want to be him.

Hi Ninetyone

I'm glad I could help. My step dad and my dad were both verbally abusive and my step dad was physically abusive as well so I understand.

I'm also afraid of becoming like them.

I workout to help with my emotional ups and downs. It helps level me out a lot and so does getting enough sleep.