Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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KourtneyHart 12/19/2011

Short background: My husband is a serial cheater (4 affairs in the past 4 years) and his most recent was in September after his return from Iraq.. The OW claims to be pregnant by him and that is why I decided on NC. I have not talked to him since Oct 30. My goal was to not talk to him at least until January. He has since tried to call me many times but I let the kids answer the phone and then when he says "Let me talk to mom" I hang up. I'm so proud of myself!
We had planned on me and the kids visiting him for Thanksgiving, and while I didnt want to go, I was still going to for the sake of the kids BUT he cancelled on us because OW was going to be with him for Thanksgiving..
So... he had promised my kids he would come visit for Christmas (he lives in another state) and then a couple nights ago I got a voicemail from him in his "feel sorry for me" voice saying that he cant come because he cant afford to travel (yeah right!). I was relieved I wont have to see him, but sad for my kids.
Now, I just got a text from him that says "So, an outta this world question.. Would you be willing to bring the kids to Texas?"
Should I ignore the text and stick to my NC? Should I text back and say "Hell no!"? Should I consider taking the kids to Texas so they can see their dad? Not sure which way I should go with this... Not sure why he is asking this since it would cost more for the three of us to go there than him to come here (I've already told him I would bring them to Texas IF he paid..I will NOT pay).. I wonder what he is up to.. I wonder where this is coming from.. He could just be trying to manipulate me into talking to him or something.. What do ya'll think???

KRKing911 12/20/2011

No to going to TX. She's got balls to even try to contact you. Stand strong my friend. You are in a much better place than you ever were. To be disrespected and treated like that is disgraceful. I know because I lived it too.

Follow through with your Christmas plans and try not to let all of this upset you too much. Great letter by the way. I hope you blocked her, but I'm curious as to what she would have come back with.

That's the drama part. Your better to stay away from it, but the curiosity is there for sure. (Hugs) and have a very Merry Christmas.

deleted_user 12/20/2011

I agree with broken, let him figure it out, explain to your kids in a nice way that it just did not work out for them to see their dad and tell them he can explain it to them.....then be on the phone when he tells them so he can't push the blame off on you....

KourtneyHart 12/20/2011

Thanks everyone.. Definitely not going to tx.. I had a terrible night last night.. Barely slept cuz of thinking about this whole situation.. I shouldve took an ambien so I could sleep.. I can't believe I'm still dealing with the same BS after 4 years.. I hate him so much. Why couldnt we have just broke up on good terms? Why does he always want to cause drama?

KourtneyHart 12/20/2011

@hurtin... Yes he is military and the state garnishes his wages however, the amount is less than what the judge ordered. Judge ordered $1500 a month and the state only garnishes $800 so each month its adding up. When he files taxes the tax return will go to me because he owes me. I need to go to JAG & find out if I can take BAH too but I really dont feel like dealing with it right now. I feel drained. Maybe i'll wait til after the holidays.

Mossyhorn 12/20/2011

Not sure what your visitation orders say, but if he is entitled to visitation most states require each parent to travel one leg, or meet half way, I am assuming that since you state court ordered support above that you have some sort of custody arrangement right now, not doing so may get you in court for contempt if he wishes to push it, all of that is on an assumption of your orders though.

IF I were you, I would not put anything like you said in that message in writing, if he gets that in the hands of a lawyer it will paint you as someone that advocates parental alienation, that you do not plan to work with him as far as the kids go, and depending on the judge that sees it, it may cause you trouble at the final hearing, nothing in writing like that, not in texts, nothing...

I don't blame you for how you feel, I have been down a similar road as you, my spouse cheated too, but no good is going to come of talking to his woman at all, showing her that she gets under your skin now will never make anything easy if he stays with that woman, which is a possiblity. The kids love everyone involved, and in a perfect world should be kept seperate from the grown up problems, and not used as leverage, they suffer the most from that.

KourtneyHart 12/20/2011

If theres any alienation going on, its him alienating himself.. I have never kept the kids from him, I've let him stay at my house to visit, I always let them talk when he calls, my parents even paid for him to fly here last time he claimed to be too broke to travel. our court orders say I have full custody and that he can visit them in my county. I dont have to take them to him. I offered to take them to him this thanksgiving but he said "no cuz my gf is here". I'm definitely not alienating him. Im tired of trying to cater to him.

deleted_user 12/20/2011

@ #20 - Custody and support are two entirely separate areas of law. Just because child support is paid does not necessarily entitle the Payor visitation rights.

deleted_user 12/20/2011

Love those people who think they are "paying to see the kids". Its total crap. Paying child support does not entitle him to visitation and it certainly does not require Kourtney to drag her kids from California to Texas.

KourtneyHart 12/20/2011

Thank you! Thats the truth.. Even without custody he still has to help provide for them.. I've been too nice in the past & now I'm just a doormat..

patti22 12/20/2011

No way, no how to going to TX.

KourtneyHart 12/20/2011

It would be really hard on me.. I'm not ready to see him and plus we already have plans for the holidays. He was supposed to be here for those plans.. I feel like if he really wanted to be here he would. Where there's a will, there's a way right? I told my daughter he probably wont be here and she didnt take it as bad as I thought. She wasnt happy, but its not like she got upset or emotional. I asked her if she would rather go to Texas and she said no cuz she wants to be with her grandparents and aunts & uncles & cousins.. I'm glad she's ok. I still hate him and cant believe I'm dealing with the same mess that was the reason I filed divorce in the first place.. Uugghhhh.. Im mad at myself.

ChiTownBear 12/20/2011

If she has the money, why doesn't she pay for his ticket to come see them? It would be cheaper and there would then be no reason to even contact you about it. Which, I am not sure why she is contacting you. He is a grown individual, yes? She could have just told him she would help with the money for travel; whoever travels.

My thoughts are she wants him there for Christmas; yet he promised he would come see the kids. Just a guess.

But that is neither here nor there. What's important is making sure the kids have a Christmas they can enjoy. In a place that is familiar to them, filled with warmth, happiness and love. I think as little disruption to their Christmas plans as possible might be comforting to them. I mean, think about it, just days before Christmas, they are now rushing to pack and jumping on a plane. How will they handle that? Is that Ok to make them uproot their Christmas at the last minute?

Its sad if he doesn't come see them, but they will still be surrounded by loving family and friends.. and lots of toys.

Good luck in your decision.

KourtneyHart 12/20/2011

Thank u.. She did say she offered to pay for him but he said no..

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