Maybe I already know the answer to my question but the bigger question is how to actually get there.

I will start by mentioning that I have a problem where I seem to make the person who I am dating the center of my world. I am unsure where this problem comes from because I had a normal childhood with 2 loving parents who did everything they could for me. During college I had a 4 year relationship with someone that consumed me totally. This relationship was very unhealthy because he knew how intense my feelings were. He knew he was the center of my entire world and I would probably be willing to put up with just about anything to make sure he didn't leave me. Towards the end of our relationship he took advantage of my weaknesses. He knew I was starting a career that would be rewarding financially so he asked me to help pay some of his bills. This started to become very routine and pretty soon I felt I was totally supporting him. Instead of realizing he was using me I looked at this as "he needs me" so therefor he wont leave me . It was as clear as day to anyone who was in my life that he didn't love me anymore but I didn't feel I could be okay without him. I didn't want to picture life without him in it. After a while of me helping him out he ended up telling me he was in love with someone else and he had been for a while. Was I surprised? I sure acted like I was but deep down I feel I always knew. I didn't allow myself to say it out loud and I told myself since I had no proof that I will choose to keep trusting him. I never truly got over that hurt despite doing my best. My ex ended up marrying this woman and from what I am told are still doing well

Fast forward a year and I feel I was doing better but still felt pretty shattered. Seeing my exs name as I scrolled down my phone contacts still gave me chills. Out of the blue I happened to meet someone new. Maybe because I had so much hurt that I never got over or maybe it was something about him but suddenly I felt joy and happiness again. I did what I did in the past and that is to put everything I had into this new person. I looked forward to each weekend when I could finally see him again. I found myself being a better friend to my friends because I was always happy, I found myself working harder at work because of this inner joy I felt. Even a year into seeing him I would light up when I would see a text or voicemail from him. My happiness in life and my productivity at work seemed directly correlated to how things with he and I were going. if he and I had a fight I wouldn't see my friends I was quiet at work and I felt like someone else. When things were going better, I became someone else. Once again my entire world was set around when I would see him and how things would go. I tried to be the best version of myself for him. Sometimes I felt like such a fraud because I never really let him get to know who I really was. I acted as if my life was perfect. I never shared some of the painful parts of my past or deep personal things about myself. I would allow him to see the version of me that he would actually like. I put so much pressure on myself to always say the right things and to look as great as i always could for him. I never let him so me cry or get upset or even get angry i almost felt like a fake stepford wife robot at times. I am not sure why i was so afraid to let him see all of who i really was . It doesn't matter because regardless of how hard i tried he has decided he no longer wants to see me. I don't really have a reason and the wondering and guessing is driving me crazy. I don't want to have to go through the feelings i did years ago with my ex from college and i am so afraid i will spiral into some dark depression. Even though he has told me he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore my mind refuses to accept it. I keep feeling i can change his mind. Maybe i can buy a new dress or change my hair or maybe do something nice for him. This is how my mind is working. It feels as if i am clinging and trying just about anything to avoid accepting this because i am in such fear of the level of pain i will have to go through.

Despite not wanting to be in a relationship anymore he still will text me and make plans to go to dinner or see a movie with me. I latch on to this is hope and more chances for me to change his mind but i feel the more this continues i keep getting my heart broken. A part of me feels i would rather have him in some way rather then not at all. Then i wonder if i will ever heal if i do so. The nights without sleep, the constant crying, the feeling like life is closing in on me are things i have dealt with before with my first relationship and i get anxiety at the thought of going through it again.

How do i convince myself that no matter how much this hurts that i will be better off by staying away? what do i do on those nights where i feel id rather have him in some way rather then not at all? Why am i so okay with settling in life for a person who doesn't really want me? Why do i have attachment issues in relationships ? these are all the things i have on my mind \


Thank you for reading