Please, please, please call a friend. Have them come over and spend the night with you. Get a good nights sleep and try to tackle just a piece of this tomorrow. Don't do anything rash. You have too many people who are counting on you.

Your daughter needs her mother. There is nothing worth taking your own life - especially a man. Please write back so we know you are OK.

Wow...first news- I am alive ! Second news: today was my daughter's first day in school ; third--I bawled my eyes out again today (for all kinds of reason, esp. how can I , a person with depression raise my daughter, am I okay for her; getting scared of the depression coming back; other thoughts about the divorce, etc. etc). I am not crying for this man ...he is gone and good riddance. I was feeling very scared, weak and anxious yesterday. I do go to a psychiatrist...but the one in the city where I live told me I should give up my daughter due to the depression. I therefore consult a doc staying in another city (who I'll call perhaps today)...and while I have thoughts about suicide , I know its the most selfish thing to do. Another bit of news: planning on consulting another lawyer. Gonna take 3 days of break and try and bounce back. Maybe this is me suddenly feeling real lousy and so, I guess, in some time I should be fine.
Sorry to have scared or upset some here ...I know everybody cares and thank you for the support. And -- I am feeling better and I KNOW I have to be strong for my daughter's sake. Am rushing to the school-bus stop now to pick her up !

there are also definite chemical changes that take place in the brain with trauma, depression, and deeper depressive symptoms like suicidal thoughts - have you asked about antidepressants? They actually CAN make a world of difference ...balancing out the crazy lows etc

Hi Newbie, yes, am on anti-deps.

Wanted to add : sorry about this awful post !

I am only coming upon this now but I would like to add my own experience. I remember it was around last year August 2010, I harboured so many ill feelings, anger and rage towards my husband. I also could think of little but wanting to make sure he hurt and hurt bad. One night I uttered a prayer to learn how to let it all go and forgive. I remember a peace swelled over me and a message came ''be still and let this in my hands.'' A miracle started to unfold.

I placed focus on me and stopped thinking about him because frankly no matter how I thought about it, I ended up in the exact same place. I healed. I grew. I started looking after myself. I lost weight going from a size 22 to 14. I slowly learned to be a social person again. So much more.

I saw my STBX last July for the first time in months--we live on different continents, which had its advantages. I looked fantastic. He looked terrible. He hugged me and said ''you look great'' and I responded ''I know.'' I would be lying if I did not admit that in that moment, I felt a bit of satisfaction. He hurt me with his lies, betrayals, affairs and so much more, bur frankly I rose up and reclaimed the place I held before I married him. It felt great.

You CAN and will do this because there is something much better for you. Now is time to only focus on you and your daughter and that is all that you should focus on.

One other thing, my transformation took place over one year. You will be surprised where you will be in one year. You will look back on the woman you are now and you won't even recognise her any more. Hang in there.

I know what you feel like. I felt that dark for what seemed like a very long time. It's amazing what changes to your thinking, a bad relationship can do. I just found the pain intolerable, and I needed the pain to stop SO badly.

What kept me alive was the knowledge that I love my child, more than I needed relief. I would suffer through anything for him, so I chose to suffer through the pain of my breakup and recovery too -- for him. And THAT was enough to get me through to the part where I was doing it for myself too.

And here's what I found...life on the other side is amazingly, poignantly, beautiful.

You will get there too. Just do whatever you can to hang on until it doesn't feel quite so intolerable anymore.

I think many of us have felt this way. It's really tough to understand how things will get better. But they will! Your daughter needs you--she would be devastated if she lost you. Please hang on, seek help, you will survive. We are all rooting for you.

how ya feeling today?

Jouride, thanks for asking...am a bit more stable than the day I posted this. But I also know I'm miles from getting through this.
For now, am listening to the advice I've got here: have to be strong, esp., for my daughter's sake; giving up is not an option and gotto focus on myself and my daughter. Taking each day at a time. And have to come out of my shell to get out there and find a job...even if its taking a few classes as a visiting lecturer. Still feeling scared but holding on !

oops-typo--that was Joyride, not jouride! sorry !

We re-create our lives one step at a time. It doesn't happen all at once. So find what works for you as your initial first steps.
For us, we got a crazy kitten in the house. She played with her own shadow. That was precisely what we needed--something to love and to make us laugh and something to share amongst us.

Eventually hours turned to days, which eventually turned to weeks, which eventually turned to months. It takes time!

Try to think of one thing you can do for yourself and then do it and promise yourself for that time frame you will not think about any of this. Once in awhile, you need to give yourself a break and that is ok too. Even if it is just for 10 minutes while you drink your tea!

We re-create our lives one step at a time. It doesn't happen all at once. So find what works for you as your initial first steps.
For us, we got a crazy kitten in the house. She played with her own shadow. That was precisely what we needed--something to love and to make us laugh and something to share amongst us.

Eventually hours turned to days, which eventually turned to weeks, which eventually turned to months. It takes time!

Try to think of one thing you can do for yourself and then do it and promise yourself for that time frame you will not think about any of this. Once in awhile, you need to give yourself a break and that is ok too. Even if it is just for 10 minutes while you drink your tea!

Aditi

it's good to hear

you may find you have other days (or other nights) where you'll feel just as crappy, it was like that for me for awhile

it can be a real "back and forth" deal for many of us

hang in there

you'll make it

((hugs))