Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So to recap, Ive been married for 25+ years, husband had an affair with a married woman for about 18 months during which time he told me so many lies. I discovered the affair but I said I was prepared to work on our marriage. He left after 2 weeks saying he loved me but didnt fancy me, didnt know what he wanted and needed space. That was 5 weeks ago today during which we have had very little contact. We have both been going to counselling and he led me to believe we would then go to couples counselling.
Today I found out from the OW's husband that they are still in regular contact and that he went to see her last weekend. I was so angry that I contacted my husband and told him that unless he is prepared to cut her out of his life, we have no future. He's told me they have no future but he is helping her 'sort things out'. Their marriage is also over. He then said that the councillor has told him to concentrate on himself which is what he intends to do and that we cannot move forward after what has happened and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. We have drifted apart, have nothing in common and our marriage is not good for either of us and we should both move on with our lives. Although I already suspected this is what would happen, I am still absolutely heartbroken and so angry. Clearly his counsellor has not considered me in all this.
I should add that since I discovered the affair, I have found out so many lies, none of which he has told me until I have backed him into a corner. I dont understand how someone who I have known and loved for so long can treat me in such an appalling manner. And yet I would still try and make it work if he was willing. What's wrong with me? I am in my 50s and dont think I will ever get over this. Please help me lovely people.
My main advice to you at the moment is to see a counsellor to help you work through the heartache. Thinking of you, keep coming back to this site as it will help you realise you are not alone
You were all-in. He wasn't, and he didn't deserve you. There's nothing wrong with you.
I would suggest, however, that you try to reach that first step toward healing. Reach a point where you would NOT take him back. See him for who he is today, not who he might have been in the past. What he has done, how he has treated you. Realize that you deserve better, or even that you are better off alone than with someone who disrespects you. Get that bit of fighting spirit and realize that NO, you will NOT take him back!
You will get over this - to the point where you can function, enjoy life, maybe find new love. There will probably always be a part of you deep down that remembers the betrayal and the pain, but it recedes over time. It won't go completely away but it will become just an occasional nag. At least that's where I am 2 years post-divorce.
"I dont understand how someone who I have known and loved for so long can treat me in such an appalling manner."
I felt the same way about my then-wife. The answer that I have come to is that cheaters demonize their partners in order to justify their actions. They cast you in the most negative light possible in their minds (and probably to their friends), see every flaw and ignore your virtues. It helps them live with themselves while they are cheating. It's time for you to do the same to him. Make a list of all his flaws, all the shitty things he has done. Every time you think you would take him back if he asked, read the list and realize you don't need that crap in your life.
we have to believe that we didnt do anything wrong..though we all have faults and imperfections...the problem i am seeing is that we cannot control the other person. if they want to leave, then we just have to find someone who wants to stay. as much as it hurts to let go...there is no room for happiness if all we hold in to is a broken heart. i myself am still trying to learn that
LoatandWandering, Im sorry you are also going through this, the pain and heartbreak they inflict on us is horrendous. I gave my husband most of my life; my best years are over, I cant imagine ever finding love again. Its hard enough just making new friends.
At first, when the breakdown of my marriage was first truly acknowledged, I felt so unwanted and unlovable. I thought so much about was being alone for the rest of my life. My kids are 17 & 19, so they are doing their own thing. Eventually, I realized that having a partner is not the thing that defines me. I still am the same person, still have the same interests, sense of humor, friends, job. I still have hopes and aspirations apart from a relationship. It's like I got back to being me, when for so long it really was all about him. Give yourself time to recover and find you again. As long as you like who you are, you'll be ok.
be honest with yourself, you were all in, that makes you rare, that makes you genuine, you will weather this long long long winter, winter will pass, you'll still be you, thankfully without that soul sucker, you'll realize that he was a little bit of winter, ever so steadily freezing your core, you won't have that inner frost !!! hooray for you
Here's the thing a friend said to me over the weekend, which was powerful and profound:
"tonight was like taking a step back in time with you; its like you're your old self again."
We've been working really hard on what it is to be married to each other. But while I figure it out, I'm keeping ahold of what my dear friend saw. I am not less than. They defiled our lives with their lies and their deceit. The sex and the phone calls and the videos and photos and lies eradicated what I loved about that man. But here I sit, next to this stranger, trying to figure out how to make my life mine again. I hate everything about this. Destroyed me and my beliefs. Except, I'm still here. That's gotta mean something....
I'm fighting back--against all the negative self talk and thoughts.
So for you, I offer this: Move forward. Do the counseling. Use your wits. You owe you. Figure you out. That's what this next phase is about. You being you---whoever that is. And keep posting here. We're really good at listening.