Grace and I have talked about this. She's the only one here that I feel "get's it". But hey InDenial! Welcome to our hell lol. I have a feeling my marriage would have turned out like yours if he was still here. Not for years, but some day. It's actually what broke my Mom and Dad up. My Dad is up there in the stars (literally). Brilliant scientist who can't even run a vacuum. He's way unbalanced emotionally. My Mom never got any emotions out of him at all. I remember going to counseling when I was younger and the counselor explaining to him that it was actually important to hug your children and tell them you love them. He has ever since but it's because someone told him he's supposed to. Actually cracks me up. I love my Dad!

But still, that wasn't the case with my husband. I've never seen anyone so affectionate. The love notes, emails, letters I've got would make you weak in the knees. It made people nauseous to be around us because he was so affectionate.

He wasn't secretly unhappy while we were together. When he left us for basic training he was the happiest he'd ever been in his life.

There was nothing wrong with our marriage. THATS my problem. There may be something that he considers wrong with him but I happen to love that part of him too. It's funny, one of the things he said to me a few weeks ago is he doesn't know what's wrong with him. He actually found someone who loves him with all his faults and he still can't make it work. I just sat there and blinked a lot when he said that. For someone so smart he sure is an idiot.

To everyone else that replied. Thanks for the thoughts and sharing your stories. I really appreciate it.

I just got off the phone with my husband. I called because I'll be signing up for some courses so I can finish my degree and pick up a few certificates and wanted to let him know how much it would be. You ready??? He said don't worry about it. I've had some time to think and we can stay married as long as you need to so you and the boys will still have the benefits and you can get your schooling done. I told him I didn't want him to feel like he was tied to me just so I could have benefits and get my schooling done and he said he was fine with it because he still loves us and wants to make sure we're ok.

This is what I'm talking about! How can you let go of someone who is so bloody good to you? Actually it's not as hard as I'm letting on. It just bothers me that we are actually good together and it's a shame it's not going to work out. I told him I appreciated the fact that I'm privileged enough to be going through a divorce with such a good person. This is just weird...

Ugh, same here... The affection & playfulness was the best part of our marriage for me.

He's still like that, which makes me both happy and sad... He tells me I'm the first person who ever loved him like that, even more than his own family. He's not sure he'll ever meet anyone who will love him as much.

He has said that love or a relationship is just not a priority, but rather his own journey/career/studies/place in the world. Sadly for me, love comes first, then the other things. I think I've always been like that, but in the past year that became really clear to me. Sadly, that's when he realized just the opposite.

Grace, your husband and mine would get along so well! That line about him not finding anyone else like you has been fed to me too. It leaves me speechless every time. Seriously, I just sit there and blink. I'll probably develop an eye twitch if he keeps saying it!

I've done away with the idea of a stun gun. The man needs some electric shock paddles to get his heart started again!

lol, i know what you mean! My stbx goes round and round in circles: takes workshops about mindfulness & "being in your heart", manages to live that way for a few days (which is when we have our best conversations) then goes RIGHT back to his head (which is when he once again becomes checked out, distracted & impatient.)

Now he's signed up for grad school (psychology), which means... yep, bye-bye heart, hello brain! It's a greed for knowledge & understanding which was one of the things i loved about him, but it's also a double-edged sword.

The irony is that what he ultimately wants as the result of all this knowledge is attention, appreciation, good companionship & other warm fuzzies that come from being admired & respected. How's that for maddening?!?

Oh i just read your post about his paying for the schooling and not being in a hurry for the divorce.

Not mine! He wants the divorce ASAP so he can feel free & unencumbered, AND he put me through hell (out of ignorance, not malice) about the money stuff until, thanks to our mediator, he finally understood what he needed to agree to and why. His own fears & anxiety upstaged mine for weeks. I had to calm both of us down. Sigh...

I think your husband is much more grounded and fair about the finances, but i know that just makes you miss him more & makes it harder to understand why you have to be apart... :o(

Read that thing i posted about "The Friendly Divorce". It really gave me some solace... {{{hugs}}}

Grace- I love what you said because my ex is the same way. He wanted me to praise him and give him warm fuzzies- he is also in grad school- and I told him I cant give him what he needs to give himself. He said I couldn't fulfill he needs, yet couldn't point out those needs. His needs are that he needs amom to help his self worth, and I'm a wife, not a mother. That's not marriage.

Vanilla, that is so common it's scary. That's why I believe it is so important to only get into a relationship when you don't need to. When two people who don't need each other get together they only share things between each other instead of one giving and the other taking.

I have started working on being like I was before I met my husband. I had my own business and bought my house on my own and didn't "need" anyone for anything. I was completely happy and enjoyed my life. I had friends and family that loved and supported me who I loved to spend time with when I wasn't working or doing things with the kids. Some how I let that slip and gave my husband too much control over my future. That ain't happen' again :)

I confess, I became pretty needy of my husband's approval too, as well as greatly affected by his moods. I know it's not uncommon, but it was getting pretty bad for us over time and the boundaries was getting blurrier & blurrier.

He keeps telling me that i was unhappy too and had really lost my own sense of self, and he's absolutely right. I was pretty "whole" when we met, and in fact much more together than he was in many ways. But i loved relaxing into our marriage & relationship. it was just so nice to finally lean on someone else for support for a change.

In retrospect, i leaned on him WAY too much. I'm definitely paying that price now... I'd like to say "never again", but in all honesty, if someone offered to come rescue me from this situation right now, I would probably let them. That's how much i hate this... Sigh... I've always been so independent & never had that feeling (or as the book coined it, "The Cinderella complex" before), so it feels so strange to be plagued by it at this point & after everything i've accomplished in my life... very disturbing... :~(