for a better understanding and to be able to comment, can I ask how come your marriage is over ?

I had a good marriage with "one" of the "two" people my husband was. He used to say he was two different people and I saw that. It was freaky and scary. I was in love with the "good person" and I know at times he still is that person. I am having trouble letting go of the "good" one - crazy, I know.....

Dren, mine didn't have any complaints and still doesn't.

Happy, that would take a lot of typing. I don't even know if I can sum it up.

He went into the Army and... pushed everything he cares about out of his life? He's told me how he feels, or actually how he doesn't feel. I know where all this is coming from and that's the part that would take a lot of explaining. I guess the only way I could describe it is he's running.

The only thing he's told me that he has figured out, and he hasn't taken much time to even think about it because he's in the middle of a very stressful situation and can't be distracted by anything (including me), is he put so much of himself into me that he can't be separated. I think he actually emotionally detached himself from me because he can't handle it. That and he has no feeling of self worth. So, I gave him that while we were together and I can't while we're apart. Make sense? Yeah same here :-|

He's really brilliant. I don't mean just smart. He started writing computer programs when he was 9. I don't know if you've known anyone that smart but they really have a hard time socially. They're sort of off balance. My father is like that too so I was used to it and actually liked that about him. I didn't think it would be the thing that broke us up. He has a hard time with stress and negative feelings. Damn good thing we were so bloody happy huh! I just keep telling myself that this would have happened at any point during our marriage. Something tragic would happen in our lives and he would have just turn tail and run.

I know it would have happened. I know it's over. I'm moving on. Looking forward to a new life actually. I just miss him.

Sorry for ranting. I just don't feel like anyone here gets it. It makes me feel more alone I guess.

Let me get straight, so you thought you both were happy, but then you knew he was unhappy. Then your marriage was a great marriage, then you knew he can't handle stress etc...

So even though you thought everything was good, he sure had a different view, but he got along with the idea of good marriage, and sure cared about you.

But then I guess he got tired of pretending.... Rest is history.....

Been there done that..... There is always a reason for a breakup, it doesn't have to be a book case reason. Just one being tired, or not coping, or god knows what else, but sure enough to RUN.

Sorry for your loss... I wish these spouses if confided in you, may have a better outcome with your full support....

Our story is similar. Mine left to find himself.
My husband was in the navy, very smart. He said he's felt so lost and needs to figure out who he is. I guess I just got in his way. people in the military have a very different way of thinking. He also runs runs runs when things aren't the way he thinks they should be.

I sometimes think of it as trajectories. My exhusband and I had a fairly good marriage, we were together as a couple for 17 years when we split, just about half our lifetimes, all of our adulthood at that point. We still love each other, still see each other every few days, and still feel like a family (just one that doesn't live together I suppose). But we aren't in love with each other anymore, and it really did feel that our marriage came to its natural end, not undone by any trauma or abuse, it just....faded away.....for both of us.

So I understand ome of what you are talking about.

((hugs)))

I know exactly what you're saying. Most of my family and friends were surprised by our separation because for all they knew, things were fine between us. But we certainly put on a good show because behind the scenes we were both unhappy. She was unhappy with herself and she had issues with commitment and intimacy. And I was unhappy because of her issues, but we both stayed together because we both didn't want to be alone. So maybe it wasn't the healthiest of relationships in that sense, but we didn't have most of the problems I've seen on this site. We had it pretty well for the most part, except that we were missing some of the important parts of the marriage. But it is hard to believe that this is over.

I know we were content, but not happy and it certainly seems like a better life than having to go through what I am going through now. But it is for the best, and I need to learn to believe that now. Because I deserve better, and I deserve someone that is going to love me as much as I love them.

Hang in there, and you'll get there. You'll hear that a lot on here: that "it takes time" and "time heals all wounds", and as much as you'll hear it and not want to believe it right now, it is true. So good luck, and take care.

God YES... Most people can't understand why we're not together if it was so good (unless they've had a similar split.)

all I know is that i loved being married to him, still love him with all my heart. He loves me too (just not maybe with all his heart...)

This is the #1 things that's making it hard for me to let go & to move on.

I feel your pain. :(

{{{hugs & prayers}}}

This is for those of you who can relate to new2me2's post. It made me feel a little better and hopefully you will also.

I found it a couple of days ago but wasn't sure about posting it as a thread, since our situation seems to be the exception, not the norm. But it sounds like there are enough of us coming out of a good marriage & amicable divorce to make this worth posting:

http://www.divorcesource.com/info/friend/acknowledge.shtml

I'm in the same boat. I thought my STBX was happy and our marriage was solid. I was more than surprised (crushed might be closer) when she told me she wanted a divorce. In fact, she didn't say it. I had to ask her if she wanted a divorce after a long and unbelievably emotional fight/discussion. It seems she hadnt been happy for a long time and just couldn't bring herself to speak the words.

I begged her to work things out, literately begged. She refused everything, couples therapy, individual therapy. As far as she was concerned, it was over. She had never used the words "divorce" or "separation" to me in any conversation, yet here I am. Both of our families and all of our friends were more than surprised to say the least. Most of them commented on what a great "actress" she was, holding up a happy front for so long, even to me.

She blames me for at lot of our problems. And I have accepted some of blame. But as many of my friends are so fond of saying it takes two to tango! I have come to the realization that I cannot accept, nor should I accept all the blame. I wasnt a mind reader and if she felt the need to hide her true feelings, then there was little I could do. She hid her feelings so well, by the time she expressed them, for her there was no fixing it.

I didn't read thru all the post, but my situation is similar as well. My ex husband started writing computer programs when he was that young too and he is a brilliant programmer. He is socially awkward and it almost seems impossible for him to identify some of his feelings. he spends a lot of time in front of a computer, up in his head. I was not abused, and we were married for about 20 yrs, extremely codependent until I had to get out. I had a marriage with no abuse but it was more indifferent than loving and connected. He still cares (as do I about him) and supports me financially until I can support myself, we go off in the corner and gossip when we run into each other in public. We were good friends, but not great life partners. I felt like he became too dependent on me and I couldn't shoulder us anymore.

We went to couples therapy for 6 yrs before I left. And that's right, *I* left. It's good to see so many other responses to this thread! Thank you for speaking out!

New2this2,

I thought like you that I could slam that emotional door and by passing through it I would leave behind an feelings and emotions that I once felt for that person on the knowledge of infidelity.

Unfortunately I couldn't be more wrong because over the 15 years we were together an emotional bond is weaved and the term unconditional love enters your vernacular for the very first time. You realize for the first time someone other than a family member or you own child where you love someone so deeply and profound. And losing someone to infidelity your mind and emotions can not process it ....because it is not natural

I can honestly say first hand, knowledge of infidelity does not make it easier ....it makes it harder....I bear the emotional scares to prove it. :(.........

S,

P.S. I'm not angered by your comment I know that you are hurting too and you were expressing an opinion ....I can fee your pain.:)

@InDenial, my husband is the same way

"He is socially awkward and it almost seems impossible for him to identify some of his feelings. He spends a lot of time in front of a computer, up in his head."

My husband too... He also lost himself in book after book, philosophical discussions. But he had a hard time staying in his heart or feeling his feelings easily. He to used to always take a long time to know & identify what he was feeling. I used to tell him that it didn't seem like he knew himself very well. The better he became at that, the more he became aware of his unhappiness. I helped him with that and with getting to know himself and articulating his thoughts & feelings better, and in doing so, i shot myself in the foot...:( But i was his best friend & wanted him to grow and become whole.

In my case though, i became far more dependent on him than you did on your husband--both emotionally & financially. I wished it were the other way around and this has made our split much harder and more painful for me on several levels.

Geez, Grace63, I wish I had been that successful with my ex. I really wanted him to see the light...he never got there, but I can soo see how helping yours to know himself only got him to realize that he wasnt happy. I think the moral to that story is that ..something like...your true souls werent meant to stay together...when he found who he was meant to be, his truth was to not be with you anymore.

I don't mean to make you feel sadder or bad or anything, but that there is some force greater than ourselves at work in our souls that determines our path.

Obviously you are not alone. I'm not with you. My marriage was hell. Someone should have put it out of its misery ten years ago. Fwiw, I wanted a divorce but never felt like I could get out due to circumstances. So I can't relate.

But I think I have an idea what you mean when you say you sometimes wish you were in some of our shoes. I can't say I'd wish my marriage on anyone. But at least I know with certainty that I don't want to be married anymore. I don't miss it at all. I don't miss him at all.

But it's still hard, terribly hard, to go through the process of divorce. Being glad I'm getting divorced doesn't make it painless. I have this terrible regret for all the wasted years and this anger and resentment that I have to work through and then of course there's the worst part which is what's happening to the kids.

I guess there's no easy divorce. I really feel for you as you are struggling with this and missing one you love and coming to terms with the loss of what you believed was a good marriage. I'm so sorry.