Well Holly, I lost every close friend I had, no ones close to me anymore. I share a greater closeness with with my friends online, but I would say it is very disconnected due to the distance and anyhow... how close can you be to a computer screen. I consider all my friends now online to be close friends, because they understand me. No one in real life understands me. They just can't relate. I have so many acquaintances in real life, but no one I feel close to.

I had much difficulty pulling myself together to once again have those close feelings for my own child. He was only 1 1/2 years old when I had my injury. I connected again with him when he turned about 4 years old. I loved him, but did not have the ability to care for myself much less a toddler. I am thankful for close family taking on these responsibilities and my husband. I carry great shame/blame and loss from this time I lost with my child. It's precious time lost forever. :'(

Anyhow..... I wonder myself if it is forever, my ability to be close to others. I wonder if I'll ever have those warm/fuzzies you talk about.

SSE

holly,

Flat affect is very common with TBI. Flat affect is when the warm fuzzies just don't come. Sometimes, a therapist can help one learn to act out the warm fuzzies toward others even though they do not come naturally. It can help try to remember emotions from before your injury. These can be used as a sort of "method acting" to help with portraying those same feelings to others. Google 'method acting' to learn how it works.

You can learn ways to overcome this flat affect. I have been able to do it and guys are less relational than women.

Hope you find a way to grow in this part of your life.

Mark in Idaho

Hi Mark, People would disagree ( my social worker especially) that I have a flat affect. (Using the definition of "affect" as showing no emotion on the face). You must understand that I am a happy person and Sunday would't be Sunday without Dick Crouch saying " I've been waiting all week to see that smile". I have all the usual emotions and use them appropriately. ( Although I have a hard time getting angry when I should, the soc. wker says ) .
What I was referring to is "something" that seems to keep me from becoming "BFF" with others. I have 4 close friends; we all have children that were in the same play group when they were toddlers, so the 5 of us always talk at church comparing what we and the kids ( All married now - yikes ) are doing. ( "Grandma yet? ," how does Miles like Africa"? ) . If something were to happen here, I could go to any of these women for support, etc.
I was talking in the post about other women that I "hang out" with that I can't seem to get close to. With Renee, Karen, Paula and Nina , we have our children and history in common. I am now friends with other women, but can't seem to get as close to them. Perhaps it''s because I don't work , so don't have as much to offer about "what happened this week - I can't believe my students" type thing.
As far as flat affect is concerned, the only time that came up was when Mark ( husband) and I were having problems, and my soc. wker said "What's wrong? You have a flat affect". Mark has a flat affect due to his genes and the bits of schizophrenia he exhibits, as well as having mild Asperger's .
I have all the emotions ( and display them ) that everyone else does. I was saying I wish I could be as close to Carla, Roseann, Anne Marie and Sue ( my current "hang out " friends) as I am with Renee and that crew. I only had had one tbi when the playgroup met and we all got close. I've had 2 others since then, and they may play in the not feeling close to Carla, etc.
I count myself lucky though to have the friends I do., flat affect or not.

Hi Holly,

An interesting thread. My experience with developing and maintaining close friendships/relationships has been a challenge my entire life (i was injured at 11 months old). I have found that since i am somewhat 'allergic' to emotion, i tend to lead with a smile in order to diffuse other people's emotional projections. It works great for most casual encounters, but it looses it's efficacy in closer or more intimate relationships. Hence, most of my encounters with people never get closer than arms length. :(

I have also found that when i am around others, i easily lose touch with my 'true' self, and this diminishes my ability to 'connect' with them at the deeper levels. It is a very uncomfortable feeling to lose touch with yourself, and so i tend to shy away from people that would otherwise make lovely friends.

It's funny that you mentioned your 'in law' that had schizophrenia. My dearest friend (and ex gf) has a father with it. I believe the reason we are such good friends (she is the only one that i can talk with for hours and not 'lose' myself) is because she has learned how to communicate with someone that struggles with their connection to self.

I think that this topic is the most difficult part of TBI to endure. I have heard it almost unanimously from other tbi's and feel the pain of it deep inside myself. My only suggestion is to try and focus as much as you can on the positive aspects of the relationships you do have, and be compassionate with yourself for the struggles you face. The good news is....people really do love us TBI's. We have a distinct calming effect on those around us that they truly appreciate.

Hi Holly, This is also a tough thing for me, I am divorced, no children, over 55 years old and my second BI that took me out of my job was over 10 years ago. I also found out recently I had birth trauma, grew up in an alcoholic home (mother), so I have looked back alot because my emotions are both flat and overwhelming and I don't even know if that's possible!! The growing up part is confirmed by my father and sister years ago, but I now live alone, I need to be alone, some people I talk to but I don't seek out friendships with people, I don't feel like I can bond with people.....but I do want to be around animals, I have a cat who is 13 and has been sick. I have always had cats but I can tell you that my bond with this cat is agony because I see, I feel, I sense more than I ever have before. I cared just as much for my other cats. Was it the "practice" of emotion? Did it take years of unconditional love to break thru me so I could really feel the connection of love? I tear up now at the grocery store when I see babys. We are all different, I don't have face blindness, but my short term memory for names is bad. My username, cheesecake, is in honor of a loving cat from a shelter where I volunteered, who had feline leukemia. I believe looking back that even when my brain could not feel, my body took in emotion pet by pet, as if by osmosis, and maybe I feel emotion differently, but it's in me, it just took time and loss to realize it. Don't know if my ramblings help answer your question......it's been my journey so far!

I feel very much the same. I find it hard to be close to anyone. I too have the faceblindness issue to deal with but don't think that is the problem.
I think knowing that people will never really understand how I feel about things, How frustrating it is when you get confused or stressed.
I feel hat I am on my own most of the time even when I am surrounded by people.
Another reason it could be because is that I lost so many people and that was hard. I wonder is it just hard for us to trust again when we have already lost people.
Are we scared to be close to people again in case they too leave us.

One of the problems I have is I can not make small talk. If I can not think of something of a serious or factual basis, I can not converse. As we deal with memory struggles, we may present an image of disinterest or confusion. I would think face blindness would lead to a similar presentation.
Have you tried asking those you are close to about your presentation, especially when someone new enters the group?
I know that I have gone through steps after BI where connecting with others has become more difficult. People close to me say my personality changed.
Sometimes, we struggle to understand what we have to offer others, especially as we try to grasp our post injury self.