When you assess these friends, Melanie, what do you see? What I mean is that, are these people that you socialized with, but haven't been through difficult life circumstances with?

When you describe someone yelling at you, this sounds to me like someone who is not compassionate. Perhaps, pre-TBI, you had things in common (work, hobbies?) but now, you are seeing what that person is made of.

Your experience is not unusual. Many people on here lost friends & family post-TBI. And others feel that same isolation.

I am alone a lot, mostly because, with my ear damage, going out in public is pretty difficult. That's hard, because I was always very social. So I know and I understand.

Melanie, I'm so sorry you feel lonely in this struggle. Please stay connected to this site to find you are definately not alone.

I have lost many friends, or either isolated myself so far away from others, that they no longer recognize me in their life. I have come to the conclusion that this was not by choice, but by circumstance. A split second changed every aspect of my life.

I have found that I find it easier to be and become friends with those who did not know me before. They lack the knowledge of who I was before. This is how I have found a way to cope through this journey of a new life.

I wish you much happiness, and I hope you will feel less lonely by being on this site.

SSE

Thank you both for your posts. Everything you both said made sense. Its hard to come to terms with all of this. It does feel easier with new friends and I suppose this may be a time to reevaluate others. I appreciate your advice. Im sorry you both have gone though this too. It hurts. Life changed so quickly, I feel like my old self died in that accident, my new life is so different. Thank you for being a friend.

It might sound somewhat simplistic for me to say, but:

It's not you. It's them.

It takes good character to handle difficult circumstances. We (the brain injured) don't have a choice in handling the situation. We have to - it's our body & mind. But others - friends & family - can choose to walk away from the situation.

So phoey on those who can't handle it and kudos to those who stick in there.

Elanie is exactly on the mark with that one! We don't have a choice and others do.

Losing friends is hard so is evaluating the value of a friendship.

We've all lost a friend or more along the way. Elaine...phoey on 'em is a very nice way to put it! If they can't or aren't willing to try they are certainly not worth the effort we extend to make it work. I didn't think so in the beginning but, there was a time I had to decide...it's them or me. They sucked the energy I had...which was minimal to say at best.

I finally decided if I don't take care of myself first I am no good to anyone else anyway. Those I've let go of are watching from the sidelines. Some come back some not and those are the ones...I don't really miss anymore.

All anyone can ask of us is that we do our best. Heavens...that's all anyone can ask of anyone! We are no different there than anyone else in that aspect.

You are stronger than you know all of you! You haven't given up...you get up every morning and try again! Kudos to each and everyone of you. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever faced and you all have made it easier to face together rather than alone!!

You all give such awesome advice/words of wisdom ! ! I just had this exact dialogue with my daughter (she has BI) the other day. Her friends have graduated from college, have boyfriends and starting new jobs. They never take the time to get together with her. Her only good friend that did not graduate from college and lives nearby does not get together with my daughter any more. Michelle struggled emotionally with this for months even to the point of tears. She kept trying to get this friend to get together and always gets back a response that she's too busy. I know it's because Michelle is more serious acting now. She used to be bubbly and have a super sense of humor. I told her some of the things you all said on here and she seems much better. You all are strong and good people !

Oh I know this so well and it is awful.
Its so hard to understand why friends don't care when we most need them.
It doesn't help to say its them not us or to say well we are better or even to think some day they will get their comeuppance.
The trick is to try and I know its hard but just try and forget them. Maybe someday some come back, maybe not, none of mine have come back but I am working hard at meeting new people.
Its going ok. At least now anyone who gets to know me gets to know me for who I am now.
I miss having the old friends I had who knew me longer but i have to deal with the fact that they are not big enough to deal with what has happened. I also know I am a bigger stronger and better person than I ever was before and that makes me proud of who I am.
There are good people out there, quite often I have found that the ones I get on better with are the ones who have had some drama in their life, something that happened to them or someone close to them. They just have that bit more empathy, You'd be surprised by how many have had to deal with horrible things. They may not talk about it but you'll find they just understand a little bit better.
There is a saying that friends can come in to your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Its so true. I've got through quite a long season of my life when I knew my friends before the accident and even after the accident I met a couple of friends who became good friends but just for a short time or a reason, to help me through the horrors until they left me as they couldn't take me anymore. But they had helped me through a hard time. I am not sure I have any life long friends but maybe in a few years I can tell you i was wrong and I do, I hope I can.
I've gone through so much loss since my accident and sometimes it gets me down, you know I got engaged to my boyfriend my best friend after my accident but he left me 2 years later on the day we were due to buy our first place. Awful awful times but feeling sorry for myself is not going to get me anywhere and crying over what I lost.
I just have to keep going and make a great future for myself. If people don't like me sod them, they know what they want and if its not me I won't let them see me being upset. I'll meet more better people.
It sucks and its not fair but don't waste time on those who don't care as i promise there are many better people out there and you'll find them in time.
http://www.apnicommunity.com/poetry/102135-poem-reason-season-lifetime-people-always-come-into-your-life-reason.html

So true Nat! If anyone gets to know me now, they know the true and honest Me...

Yes Melanie, life changed in the blink of an eye. I feel like I died on the day of my TBI also. I'm living this new life the best I can.

SSE

Now if any of the friends we lost are unfortunate to have a tbi, guess who they will expect to understand? And because we have gained more compassion and patience from this, we possibly will be there for them in some way.
Were not the same people as before in many ways, but we can be better in other ways. Its not easy trying to get the confidence and chance to meet new friends. I know I am isolating myself more, but somehow have to find a way out of this.

You are definitely not alone Melanie. My husband has a TBI...4.5 yrs post. Not only has he lost all his pre-TBI friends and most of his family, but I too have lost many friends and have pulled away a lot from my own family because of them not understanding. Part of me feels like I had to make a choice...them or my husband. We have 3 young children and I will admit, it is not easy living with a spouse with a TBI and I feel like I've 'lost' the man I married, although I still love him, I'm trying to get to know my 'new' husband...but I chose to 'stay' with him and go through this with him. I've even isolated myself a lot. But, finding this support group has helped a lot and I have in the past year started to find 'new' friends who DO understand our situation as a family. My husband was a very social person before his BI...that has changed a lot for him and it is sad to me. But he has worked hard at being able to handle 'larger' social situations and has started to make some friends, but he does not go out with friends much anymore and I wish he would at least find a good friend to 'hang with' sometimes. I keep trying to encourage him to. But, he does get out to socialize more now because of our 3 children's activities. I notice a big positive difference in him when he does socialize, but it also exhausts him and he can get hard on me, verbally, which is not easy to handle at times.

So, the worst thing you could do is isolate yourself...it will make you feel worse. But maybe try to find 'new' understanding friends somehow who didn't know you pre-tbi...they don't have as many expectations...they are out there...it just takes some time to find them!! And stay connected on here! All the best to you!

Thank you everyone for your reply and advice. I feel less alone knowing Im not the only one who has experienced this. Its difficult to accept. I am sorry you all have gone through similar experiences. Thank you for caring and being a friend.

Melanie,

First of all, long time no speak! Secondly, I'd like to share something with you that I learned since the injury. This brain injury thing really puts your friends and family to the test. It will filter out your true friends/family and will separate them from those you don't need in your life. Slowly but surely, the people who are worth keeping in your life will manifest and those who aren't worth it will stick out like a sore thumb.

If people can't accept the new you and your limitations, you don't need them in your life. Don't feel bad, I only have a couple friends left in Las Vegas and one that lives out of state. We hardly do anything together, but when we do, they don't complain when I tell them I can't do something. We find something that we can both do together, that won't be boring for them or too much for me.

So, watch for the warning signs. Some people just can't accept you for who you are now. They will either get frustrated with you or stop calling you. Screw them. As you get better, you'll meet new people and the friends who really care about you will still be by your side.

The rest can kiss your ass.

Nick

I was a military dependent when my tbi occured so losing friends wasnt something that I had to deal with. With my limitations, I have realized that I don't fit in with the crowd that I would have. I have tried to make a few friends around my own age, but that hasn't worked very well. I have been able to make friends that are older than me and understand what I am going through.
It is sad to say, but you may just need to make new friends. Easier said than done I know.
I have only had one friend that has stuck with me through it all. And even she bawlked when I started new medication, because it did change me significantely.
You are not alone.