Hello everyone,

I wanted to post a bit of a background story to my current relationship so there is some context to my questions. I would like to learn more about how to support this guy I am seeing while also making sure I am getting my needs met and neither of us get burnt out.

I am in a pretty new relationship with someone who has TBI. We have been going out for a little over four months now. He got into an accident a little over two months ago so essentially I have known him post-accident for longer than I have known him pre-accident. Not only that, he had a stream of unfortunate events happen one after another after the accident including sporadic contact because he lost his phone, getting stuck in another province which left us being unable to see each other in person for more than a month. This drove my anxiety to high heavens. It has been a very rocky and emotional past few months because I felt like I was getting “scraps of his time.” Because the relationship is still new I didn’t know his communication style and I had taken his “unavailability” and “inconsistency” these past few months to make time for me as an affront to me. This really triggered my anxious attachment.

I had brought up being very hurt by his actions and he has recently come to realise and understand just how much it did hurt me. Sometimes he does not open my messages (Whatsapp) for two days and it makes me anxious while waiting. I really felt that I would never talk to or see him again and that I was doing all the work to keep the relationship going. I have to be honest that I have acted emotionally and snappy towards him many times because I thought he was avoiding me and ignoring me on purpose. I got really emotional on him recently and was (literally) pushing him away despite his attempts to console me and say that he did care. I also sent a long message saying how upset I was about some things but that I cared about him a lot and was here because I wanted us to get closer. I feel horrible about how I have acted towards him.

While I knew about his accident, little did I know he was going through so much more. We were on a call the other night and he said that he would love to spend more time with his family, friends, and myself but he feels that he is spreading himself thin. He says he wants to be with someone but he does not want to be the reason someone is unhappy. He said that maybe we should get back together when “things were better for both of us”, that I deserve better because relationships should be fun, and that I could move on if I wanted to. This really opened my eyes because this was the first time he really opened up about his struggles regarding TBI and otherwise. He is wont to share any of his problems with anyone.

I felt like a jerk for all the times I had reacted in frustration and annoyance and I told him I was sorry for acting the way I did. I told him I appreciated him sharing and opening up so I could better understand his situation and if he could allow me to be here for him. I told him I wanted to stay with him and that I would support him however I could. I also sent him a message this morning that while I wanted to spend time with him, I did not want him to be burnt out or burdened by me and that I wouldn’t want to put pressure on his availability to do things. I do not want to bombard him with messages but I wish I could talk to him more often. He has been so supportive of me and I would like to do the same for him. I just don’t want to further exacerbate the problem by being too demanding. It’s so hard not being able to see him or communicate with him as often as I’d like to. It is quite the difference from when we first met. He is still the same supportive and kind person I met and is such a good guy, but the lack of communication and time spent together is so so hard.

While he was able to recover quickly after his accident, he has persistent headaches which vary in intensity and has trouble with his memory. He has said that he has experienced a pretty big personality shift and experiences paranoia/anxiety now. Prior to the accident he said that you would barely see him home as he would spend a lot of time out with friends and whatnot but now staying home is pretty much all he does. Because of this, he feels “pretty shit” most days and it gets to him. He kept saying “that’s not me.” He does have “good” days where he has the energy to go out and do things but I don’t know how often that happens. He also has times where he does not want to talk to anyone and would rather keep to himself. He is currently unemployed and that is another thing on his mind.

I am no stranger to anxiety but I cannot say that he experiences it the same way. I did not (and still do not) fully understand what he has gone through and is going through.

We do not live together and live pretty far apart from one another so seeing him in person often is not always viable. I told him that I was willing to meet him closer to where he is. I would love to see him and talk to him more but I don’t wanna impose. I feel pretty helpless with his situation and all I can tell him is that I’m here for him. I have told him that he can ask for help when he needs and that he was not alone in this. I have been doing some research on resources on TBI and also on how it affects loved ones. I would love to support him in the best way that I can but I’m not sure how.

I would love to hear anyone’s suggestions on what I can do and maybe what I can suggest for him to do to aid in his recovery. I know that a lot of recovery is a personal choice but I want to do my best in supporting him on this journey.