Hi madoak, I understand what you are saying....I have a female neighbor, that gossips and has an air of thinking she knows everything....it's hard to avoid her because she smokes and goes outside alot. I also have caught her lying and she is manipulative....so I say "phone call..gotta go" "excuse me I have plans"....even if those plans are to lie down.....really! I have resorted to memorizing statements like that, because I can get so tired cognitively, I'm just trying to get in my apt sometimes. I have a grocery store I go to where no one knows me...I feel so much more at ease there, I can just be me, no expectations from anyone.

For me, people that are rude like that woman was rude to you, I cross them off my list, there use to be some understanding of brain injury, nowdays I hear very little, except that over half the homeless men in the US are thought to have had a TBI....how sad that is, and if wearing a green ribbon can bring awareness to that I hope we see lots of green ribbons....maybe that's another way to get away from others who are rude....saying "My green ribbon is in support of TBI/ABI and all those that are homeless"....before the person can respond.....walk away!!
You are right, it's not worth the effort, it's frustrating because most people have no clue,and to have gone thru what you did, you do not deserve rudeness....my gut instincts after BI pick up bad vibes real easy...the red flags that I think keep me safe and I have lost friends or they weren't really friends to begin with!!
I hope others here have some input too...I need more/better statements to get away from people!! Blessings!

Thank you Cheesecake. Yes, of course, I need the get out quick phrase. I'll have a think about a few good uns. And yes, also there are so many gossipy types that also seem to come out of the woodwork specifically when you are down. I very much like going to places where folk don't know me at all - it's much more restful. I've actually ordered my green ribbon. Apparently in the UK it's just for mental health issues if there is a ribbon alone but for BI if qualified by the brain injury awareness logo. Anyway one of mine says, "Give me a minute - still downloading" or words to that effect with a picture of a brain and a timer on it. So sad about the homelessness issue/TBI but it doesn't surprise me. If I hadn't fought the authorities like a fiend to bring to light the extent of my injuries, we all would have ended up losing our house last year and everything...and this was all in the wake of the injury. I made myself enough of a pain to hold on to my home which I've worked 30 years for; thank goodness.
Best wishes,
Madoak

Hi, I can understand the frustrations you all are feeling. I remember feeling things like that after my first tbi when I would cry at the drop of a hat and no one understood, or when I was overwhelmed in a group of people and couldn't contribute to the conversation. In looking back, part of the problem was that I didn't understand myself enough to know that it was the tbi that was causing the problem. Now that I know my limits (and that it's my brain), i have no problem telling people that I'm not following them or whatever.

I have to be upfront about having a brain injury because I cannot remember people from one day to the next. My friends have seen this ( they've had to remind me who that guy on the other side of the room is) , and so accept it. When I meet a new person, I have to forewarn them that "I have had a brain injury and may not recognize you next week". So from the very first, people know i"m a bit different. However, it's such a part of "me" that it's not an issue for me. I Do run into people once in a while that can't understand why I don't recognize them. I simply say "I told you I might not know you the next time- now you can see for yourself. Thanks for reminding me who you are. " That aspect of tbi isn't invisible, so perhaps people are more accepting of my shortcomings because they have seen one aspect of them.

As far as "mean people": they aren't worth your energy. We know that we have limited energy , be it emotional or cognitive, and we have to decide where to spend it. People who are not willing to understand why you seem to stammer when you talk to them , or whatever, are not worth spending your energy on. That's where the idea of "escapes " comes in.

I'm fortunate that I don't have people who react negatively to me. I just run into those who don't understand my limits. I will try once to explain the one bothering them. If I encounter them a second time and they seem exasperated by my limit, I just let it go. I need my energy for other things, and so "having to catch the bus"" and leave is the easiest thing to do. One of the things I do , though, is try to find something in common I have with this person- we have a mutual aquaintance or something. That way I can deflect the conversation . I can say "sorry I didn't recognize you, but you know my memory. Did you have a chance to go to Emily's wedding last Saturday?" Just changing the topic to something we both can relate to can help open channels . It gets the other person off BI thinking and onto whatever we can both talk about. Or I'll compliment them on their garden.

Bottom line for me is I enjoy talking to others, and try to make connections where I can. When I do encounter people that just don't understand, I see as little of them as possible. I know they will tap my energy, and it's just not worth it. So I do have a menu of things to say to get out of situations or change the subject. It's usually things like "Mark has the car and I have to get the bus to meet him at the store. Have a good day". A good one is "I have company coming and my house looks like a hurricane hit it. I have to get going so i can clean." I usually have a reason ( like company coming) for leaving. But leaving is the answer to getting away from those people who take our energy.

Thank you Hollygrove. The person who was failing to 'get it' was actually a very close friend and it remained hurtful that she wouldn't take it on at all. I think the final straw was when she did the oh well my memory is bad as I get older thing. She had absolutely no idea what I was going through even though I'd sent her information etc. Also she knew just how hard I had to work to get through my college course last year and would still say crass things like, "Oh well it's easy for you being so academic!" Anyway, after a lot of avoiding on my part, she turned up on the doorstep, was quite blunt and asked if I'd been told that she called. I just said politely, yes thank you, had a short, polite but (quite uncomfortable) conversation and that was that. I don't think she'll call again but, in all honesty, I'm relieved. It was just another thing to face. I do have friends who accept me for who I am now rather than then and it's a big relief not to have to keep educating someone. I did see a pamphlet at church on letting go relationships that don't work anymore and I think that some in my life have run their course and I need to be philosophical about it.

I was able to get enough sleep to drive to my *safe/calm* grocery store yesterday...it's a Whole Foods market..I had the nicest conversation with the organic coffee guy..he gave me a free bag!!!The store wasn't too busy because it was a weekday, but it made me feel so good just to interact a little...total
strangers but nice/helpful....it does so much for my selfesteem to have that good human interaction and helps me want to try it more often. I use to mention Brain Injury where I live, but it seemed from remarks, like you got madoak from your friend, that most did not care to learn/did not want to hear anything/so I stay to myself more and stay away from the judgemental ones and continue looking for safe places to go and safe people to talk to. Hugs!

Madoak, I hear you completely. This is probably one of the biggest problems I'm having. I have no friends, literally, because I'm too nervous and reclusive to be the first one to jump out and say, "hi!" Like the outgoing person I was. I even left a family celebration because being around all those people and constantly worried about what they were thinking of me was just too much to handle. I became very overwhelmed and began to cry. Embarrassing to say the least!

Anyway, I know you probably hear it alot, because I know I do, but be patient with yourself. I was recently reminded by my case manager that we don't HAVE brain injuries, we're LIVING with them. I mean, I know from experience that I struggle adjusting to new personality changes that are a result from my injury. But the adjustments don't happen overnight. It's like the grieving process. Things just get easier over time. :) but dont forget to place yourself around people that will bring you up! And stay strong and keep looking forward. Theres nothing for you in the past. God bless

I like the idea of the wholefoods market - sounds like my kind of place. There are a couple of places like that nearish to me and perhaps it's also about finding a place where there is the right kind of 'slower', kindlier culture. Also links well with SamathaM's placing self with the right people. How right, "There is nothing (for me) in the past." Very true.

A really odd coincidence - was trying to focus on a book last night about a girl who cycled round the U.K. and met a lady whose husband had a tbi aka the brainlash effect like myself but through a bike accident. The narrator made a point of intuiting how much the effect of the accident must have been and how the overriding impression was of the man becoming very, very different. Sigh.. there are people out there who get it then. Thanks for your comments - I do find them so supportive.

I so understand. I have retained a few good friends through this and lost one completely that was upfront and said "I just can't deal with seeing you LIKE THIS." Which hurt like hell when it happened...but then I thought about what my alternative to "like this" would be...which is...well DEAD. So good riddance to bad rubbish.

I tend to limit my time socially because with the ABI it is exhaustive. I go out of my way to avoid negative or rude people. Just don't have time for their nonsense any-more.

(((hugs)))

Carla