Brain Injury Support Group
Traumatic brain injury occurs when a sudden trauma causes brain damage. TBI can result from a closed head injury or a penetrating head injury. Symptoms of a TBI can be mild, moderate, or severe, depending on the extent of the damage to the brain. Outcome can be anything from complete recovery to permanent disability or death. A coma can also affect a child's brain.
So I have a bit of a conundrum...and am interested in what you all have to say...
We hired someone recently to do some work on our house. Long story short, he is an Addict. He worked great for 2 weeks, then relapsed and did Meth.
Well, needless to say, my husband told him he couldn't work here anymore. After having me injured so badly by one person who's an addict, there was no way he was going to take any risks with another addict.
I ended up talking to the guy when he came to pick up his tools. He is clearly remorseful and ashamed. He's going to seek more intensive help (he'd been doing 12 step stuff for the last 2 years but it doesn't seem to be enough.) He was obviously deeply depressed.
So, here's the thing...
I feel compassion for this guy. Which is a bit of conundrum, since I HATE the drunk driver who injured me. I mean, both are addicts, you know?
The only difference is that with the guy who was working on my house, I'm able to see that he recognizes that he screwed up and he has regret.
With the drunk driver, I don't even know if he REALLY understands how badly I was injured, let alone if he has any regrets or remorse.
The drunk driver was given a slap on the wrist - a few hours of community service, a fine to the state of Oregon, and a license suspension for less than a year. What he received is NO different than what any drunk driver would receive. He received NO punishment for injuring me. Only the punishment for violating the state law of driving drunk. I also HATE the DA's office for not doing the right thing. The right thing would have been to punish this guy by sending him to jail. It is not right to allow people to get away with physically harming someone. Particularly given the nature of the criminal acts he committed.
Anyway, I've never written out this much publicly about how I feel about what happened to me. Hopefully there will be well thought out responses. In the past, when I have mentioned my anger, there have been one or two people on here who write really judgmental comments like "You need to forgive the guy." That's an assinine and judgmental thing to say to someone who's been injured. Forgiveness is up to me. I don't need anyone telling me, with a wag of the finger, that I need to do that. (And by the way, the person who was really rude is someone who hardly ever posts except when he is being judgmental, condescending and mean.)
We hired someone recently to do some work on our house. Long story short, he is an Addict. He worked great for 2 weeks, then relapsed and did Meth.
Well, needless to say, my husband told him he couldn't work here anymore. After having me injured so badly by one person who's an addict, there was no way he was going to take any risks with another addict.
I ended up talking to the guy when he came to pick up his tools. He is clearly remorseful and ashamed. He's going to seek more intensive help (he'd been doing 12 step stuff for the last 2 years but it doesn't seem to be enough.) He was obviously deeply depressed.
So, here's the thing...
I feel compassion for this guy. Which is a bit of conundrum, since I HATE the drunk driver who injured me. I mean, both are addicts, you know?
The only difference is that with the guy who was working on my house, I'm able to see that he recognizes that he screwed up and he has regret.
With the drunk driver, I don't even know if he REALLY understands how badly I was injured, let alone if he has any regrets or remorse.
The drunk driver was given a slap on the wrist - a few hours of community service, a fine to the state of Oregon, and a license suspension for less than a year. What he received is NO different than what any drunk driver would receive. He received NO punishment for injuring me. Only the punishment for violating the state law of driving drunk. I also HATE the DA's office for not doing the right thing. The right thing would have been to punish this guy by sending him to jail. It is not right to allow people to get away with physically harming someone. Particularly given the nature of the criminal acts he committed.
Anyway, I've never written out this much publicly about how I feel about what happened to me. Hopefully there will be well thought out responses. In the past, when I have mentioned my anger, there have been one or two people on here who write really judgmental comments like "You need to forgive the guy." That's an assinine and judgmental thing to say to someone who's been injured. Forgiveness is up to me. I don't need anyone telling me, with a wag of the finger, that I need to do that. (And by the way, the person who was really rude is someone who hardly ever posts except when he is being judgmental, condescending and mean.)
In reading what you posted I think you answered it soundly yourself. It makes sense to me if I interpreted it right. You can understand the fellow that shows remorse and not the one who basically got away with it. Why? Because one is trying the other you've seen no action from.
Anyone who knows you or reads your posts can tell you are a very caring person. Many marvel at the way you respond to posts with such care and concern for others. Why would it be any different for someone who is struggling for whatever reason? He is trying to find a way that works...for him. You see or sense that in him.
That's exactly what we are doing here ourselves...looking for a way to recover that works for us. I hope & pray you both make it to where you want to be!!
The driver who hit me was not drunk. The idiot said he could see I was drunk before he hit me, right mate why didn't you turn the car then. Of course there was no drink in my system and none in his he was just trying to get away with it and he did the police here after their research said it was just a horrid and unfortunate accident nothing more. I could be upset about it but whats the point.
I've always just taken it as one of those things. I think for me I always said to myself I know that guy didn't set out to do it but for you Elaine its different. He didn't set out to do it but he was careless enough to drive whilst under the influence. You don't have to do this but if you could just let go of the hate, you don't have to forgive him but just try and accept that the tbi happened and as crap and as hard as it is no level of hate is going to make it easier.
You really don't need to forgive him. Why should you but just try and let go of even caring about him enough to hate him.
With the other addict its really your call to make. You don't owe him anything and you don't even have to be nice to him but if you feel giving him another chance might help you move on in some way no matter how small maybe you should give him another chance. But only you can decide that.
Your husband really does sound like a good guy.
The worker may have a similar problem to the driver who hit you but sadly there are many people that are addicted to various things and I think you would be doing yourself a favour if you didn't put them all in the same category.
The driver was a complete waste of space and lets just hope that some day he get his comeuppance or that his karma catches up with him but we can't hate everyone who makes a mistake because anyone can.
Its how we deal with it after that counts and if the decorator is aware of his problem, maybe it could help you have some faith in people again.
Its your call Elaine just do what you feel is right.Please don't feel you need to forgive the driver just try to let it go.
I feel like the guy who injured me - well, it wasn't just an accident, you know? He choose to down hard liquor, he choose to drive a heavy duty truck, he choose to take that truck on the highway, he choose to go 70 mph and he choose to drive like a maniac. Hard to put that as accidental, you know?
I feel like the whole so-called "justice" system does a tremendous in-justice to victims. They settled the whole thing while I was still not with it. And called me up and told me what they did.
I wish I could talk to the drunk driver. As odd as that might sound. I just want to have my say. I want to say you did this to me. And list all that I have been through. I know it will probably not happen, but that's what I wish I could do.
I guess I will have to figure out some other way to move on emotionally. I have written stuff down, but it hasn't helped.
why can't you talk to the drunk driver guy? his name is probably everywhere on the papers, etc. just find him, no? even if he lives far off, you could carefully plan a trip.
bet it would be a huge and important experience.
I don't know. It's more about me, than about him, if that makes sense.
It's tempting though.
I get that you want to talk with and educate the guy that caused your injury. I have written a letter to my son's attacker numerous times. I will someday send it to his lawyer. I think he has no idea what he has caused not only to my son but his family. My problem is that the dang letter is way too long and I dont think he will read something like that. But there is so much to tell and I am having trouble shortening it up.
Do what you feel....that is usually the best to follow your heart.
hugs...pam
Well, friends...
I gave this a lot of thought. I had never written previously publicly in detail about my feelings. Probably because I wasn't ready to let it go.
But tonight, I wrote out what I was feeling & thinking. Got it all out. And burned the papers then to ashes.
I want to move forward...I don't want to have those flare ups of anger...that cycle of pain, then extreme anger, which of course worsens my pain, then depression, etc.
I can't say what tomorrow holds...I can't make promises...but I will do my best to move on. I have some control over this - the emotional part. The brain part, and the pain, I may not. But at least this, I must try to move on.
I want it to be less of a HUGE thing and more of a factual "this is what happened." I.e. if I had been hit by a falling tree, instead of a person driving a car, I would simply say, "Oh, I got my TBI because a tree fell on me." But instead, it's always this big emotional thing.
Hoping to let it go some...
Thank you all for the support.
First of ll I want to say how very proud I am of you for sharing this with all of us. I understand how difficult this can be.
Our situations are very similar. Three and a half years ago I was also hit by a drunk driver. MY drunk driver was on his sixth DUI when he hit me. in fact he had his 5th the night before he hit me...they let him out of jail that very morning, he got drunk again and committed #6 the night he hit me. He didn't show up for his trial. The City of St Paul didn't care and so for the next three years I was a very angry bitter person thinking of him out and about, not receiving any punishment at all. The authorities not even thinking he was important enough to try to find.
Fast forward to about March 30th 2012 and he was picked up for #7 in North Carolina! They saw his warrant for felony vehicular assault on his record and sent him back to MN. I am finally getting my justice as he is now going through the court system for his crime against me.
I can understand how you feel against addicts in general. I feel the same way. However when it comes to getting to know the individual as you have the handyman it isn't as easy to just lump that person into a category. There is a difference when an individual show remorse. Furthermore you recognize this isn't the person who harmed you. I had a situation here on DS where a young woman contacted me via PM...she was an addict and she wanted to apologize to someone who had been injured by an addict. She randomly chose me. At first this was really hard and I told her not to contact me. Over time she won me over. She really was a nice young woman who made some bad choices and was turning her life around. I think we helped each other.
I don't think it's necessary to ever forgive your drunk. I know I will not mine. He changed my life forever. I use my anger in order to continue my fight. It keeps me moving!
Keep your anger in check though...just enough for motivation, not too much that it affects you physically. (it certainly can do so)
I don't think it would do any good to address your drunk. It can't turn back the clock. I find these people just don't give a fuck about anything but themselves. If they did, then they would have found a way to reach out to us and apologized. You know what I mean?
This will all take time.....in time being around an addict will not be as triggering. Your hyperviligance is still pretty high it sounds like. After a while it seems to even out.
I did some soul searching this past weekend and feel like perhaps I was able to put some of my feelings towards the drunk driver to rest (time will tell).
Now...I still have bad feelings towards the DA's office for the horrid way they acted. That's a whole 'nuther can of worms.