Hello, I was diagnosed with BDP in 2002, when I was 24. Since my early teens I lived quite a turbulent life which was characterized by alcohol abuse, promiscuity, self harm, extremely chaotic relationships with almost everyone I came into contact with, extreme and sometimes violent mood swings - especially towards men (and my best friend for some reason). I underwent 18 months of very intense councelling four years ago after being raped whilst teaching English in Japan and falling pregnant. I eventually decided to go ahead with the pregnancy (when I realised that it was the only option where I didn't end up dead or in prison) and now have a three year son who changed my entire life.
I gave everything up, booze, men - basically anything I perceived to be unhealthy or unwholesome and along with the councelling I learnt a great deal about myself and eventually managed to lay to rest some of my demons.
Over the past 4 years I have built my life back up from nothing, found a degree of peace within myself and am exactly where I want to be. My son is beautiful and bright, I have made us a lovely home and I have a job which I love and feel pride in providing for the two of us. I have some amazing friends, lead quite a full life and I am right where I want to be.
My problem is that since everything has been going really well and I've stopped fighting to get to the place I need to get to, the same loneliness that I always used to feel seems to be somehow creeping back in again.
Those old personality traits that I worked so hard to get rid off are becoming the bain of my life again. Despite how much I love my friends and my family (not including my son) I'm starting to feel increasingly disconnected from them. I feel that I am lacking meaningful interaction with people around me. I tried dating recently but just felt unable to connect or commit to anything. I've become really restless, I get lost in my thoughts to the extent where if someone irritates me or something angers me, even slightly, I think about it for hours, can't sleep and become angrier about it. Sometimes my mood swings are really irrational. I'm inwardly angry and I constantly feel like I'm waiting for something to happen.
What worries me the most is that I met someone a few weeks ago and we met up while my son was away with my mum for the weekend. He was totally bad for me. I knew right away that he was but instead of backing away I jumped in headfirst with no other thought other than 'instant gratification'. I ended up getting extermely drunk, taking cocaine and having sex with this guy who was a virtual stranger. We saw eachother a few times after that but It was just sex and mind games. I could see the danger in contact with this guy immediately but I couldn't let it go. He treated me like crap but I almost used it as an excuse to wallow and feel like a victim again. It was hellish but I convinced myself that I had fallen for him. I can't believe how easily I reverted back to those old behaviours after working so hard to get rid of them and having so much to lose. I did come to my senses and end it with him but feel so angry. It's really knocked my confidence in myself. I really thought I'd changed and that I knew myself yet the old me and my old behaviours,thought patterns and reactions to certain things seem to be the same as they were in what I call 'my old life'.
I've kept this to myself as my friends think I'm strong, confident, and generally in control. I would never want them to know what I did. No one knows I have BDP.
I'm sorry this topic has been so long. I suppose I just want to know whether it's normal to kind of relapse in this way. Is it just a blip or something more serious? I feel that what happened with this guy is a sympton of those feelings of loneliness and disassociation I've been feeling for a while, not the cause.
I'm a bit scared as well since I realized that that 'self sabotage' thing is still in me and how close I felt to wanting to ruin everything just because a man made me feel stupid.
Any advice would be good at this stage.