Bisexuality Support Group

Bisexuality is a sexual orientation which refers to the aesthetic, romantic, and/or sexual attraction of individuals to other individuals of both their own and the opposite gender or sex. Most bisexuals are not equally attracted to men and women, and may even shift between states of finding either sex exclusively attractive over the course of time.

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/ Bisexuality Support Group

Explaining the One Way, Two Lane Road

RStraying
RStraying
For the last 3.5 months, I have been happily dating a man I've been friends with for the last 8 years. He is aware of my bisexuality, and is completely accepting/friendly with the GLBT community. For example, we are going to his female coworker's same-sex engagement party this weekend.

My only source of discomfort is, due mostly to his upbringing as a heterosexual white male in the southeast (of USA), that he views sexual orientation as something that is a choice. Now, around 8th grade, his younger sister (who I actually befriended first, I've got 1 year on her, he's got 2.5 on me) was sent to one of the infamous Straight Camps (since rendered unconstitutional by the Supreme Court thank God) for having a girlfriend. I have had sex with 5 women, she has had sex with 0, but still identifies as bisexual. Now, upon broaching that subject, his response is that she "chose" not to listen to what those people had to say, completely missing the point that legally and medically anything they had to say -was- completely invalid.

It would be a bigger deal if he were also biased against the community, but his misconceptions on how something as basic as why anyone loves/is attracted to anyone else slightly bothers me as his significant other. I told him dating him did not necessarily make me straight, my monogamy just rendered my potential interest in another PERSON (regardless of gender) moot. If it pops up, I'll crack a joke at him to choose not to be attracted to me (simple kisses tend to escalate quickly by way of both parties).

Now, I'm not trying to sabotage my relationship. I'm not going to badger him into debates about it and pick at the idea until it gets nasty. I was just wondering if anybody could offer a more helpful line of reasoning to use should the topic come up again in the future.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think you should try asking him why you think someone would choose to be a homosexual/bisexual if it pops up again. Ask him, why in a society that favours heterosexuality would someone choose otherwise? And also, ask him did it ever go through his head that he chose to be attracted to women and women only? In my opinion if someone had those views i'd probably try and nip it in the bud as a bisexual person myself, but thats just me. Its a form of ignorance. You've gotta remember too, you've only been dating a few months so this relationship is still new, and nobody is ever completely honest and open at the start, what he's saying to you might only be the t ip of the iceberg as he might not want to lose you or offend you because he is enjoying the relationship.

Either way as a bisexual person I dont think you should ignore this at all, you should address it. How can you have a relationship with someone who isnt really acknowledging part of who you are?
rk4262
rk4262
I agree with Georgina, you might want to really rethink the relationship. It is not only just ignorance, it is uncareing, I am assuming that you tried to tell him that it is not a choice, it is born/environment/whatever. I feel that my bisexuality came about because of what I grew up in. But I don't argue with the "born" belief. Anyway back to the subject. if he has refused to listen to what you have told him, and there are times that he makes you uncomfortable because if this issue, the longer you are in the relationship the worse things will get.
RStraying
RStraying
It is not a constant, nor sober conversation. Its come up maybe twice (the choice part. We ogle the same female celebrities with equal abandon, he's known about my bisexuality since we were in high school together), while at least one of us was intoxicated, and nobody is easy to talk to then. He never makes me feel badly about my orientation, or states that such a choice would be bad in any way. He just has this idea that one likes one or the other, and any "switch" between the two might be caused by some decision made regarding a gender. I hardly consider a lack of education in such subjects a reason to rethink whether or not I should be with him, especially when he isn't biased/homophobic either. I am seeking advice on how to build upon the relationship, not whether or not to continue it, so I would like to defer further comments on that topic. I never date people I am not good friends with beforehand. I was a close friend for 8 years before we were comfortable with beginning a relationship. His attitudes towards most things will not be news to me, its the typically conservative thought process underlying the liberal attitude that perplexes me.
rk4262
rk4262
If you really feel that it is just a lack of education and nothing else, then I would google the subject and print out several different websites, with different authors, that explain how it is not a choice. Then sit down with him, tell him you need to have a serious discussion, and you are not playing. Then tell him that it hurts you when he says it is a choice, and have him read the articles. If that doesn't work, then you may have to get used to him believing it's a choice. Even if he does change his way of thinking it will take him a while to actually stop accidentally saying choice.
Since you don't want to hear that he will probably never change his opinion, I will not say it.
RStraying
RStraying
That is much more constructive advice, thank you.
Prescott86
Prescott86
I think too often people get caught up with whether or not sexuality is a choice. When this happens both sides seem to miss the larger point. Does it matter? Does it make any difference if sexuality is a choice or whether it's some sort of predetermined thing? While I personally don't feel sexuality is a choice, I think people should be free to practice their sexuality regardless of whether they chose to or not.