Ha, I play the "why me?" game every week when I pull out my shoebox of pills and sort them carefully into my tackle box pill divider, lol!!! I feel ya! "Why does it take all of THIS to make me still so far from normal??" Many times my hubby is there during my pity party and he reminds me how fortunate I am to have those pills and how the real unfortunates are those who need the pills and can't get them. And he's right - at least I am getting the help I need. This disease is very real on me whether or not I want to admit it by swallowing the pills. I've tried life before the pills, and I've tried coming off all the pills, and both were tragic. By far, my best life is wrapped up neatly in these little pills. I love them, I hate them, but I've gotta take them. Wishing you the very best combination and the least amount of side effects...and most of all I wish you the hope that a good plan of attack can bring. xoxo

Thanks, Blessed.

It is sad to discover the truth many times. We don't have to like the truth , to accept it as it is. We just have to be willing to do whatever it takes to get to a place of real stability and more peace which includes joy. It's like a challenge we are being offered. We can turn our mind to perceive this in a different more motivating way. In my opinion, WE ( and I say that to the disorder itself in sort of a defiant way--taking back my power) are still in control because we still have choices. Yes you need support to find your way but you can find your way- even thru the disappointment of not seeing your life unfold as you once envisioned. The great thing is we can learn to fight this and fight this with effectiveness. We can learn to be creative problem solvers and learn to apply our ideas to make a better outcome. I could go on and on here. The main thing right now is to accept the truth-and feel relieved that acceptance doesn't mean you approve. Then become as educated as you can including learning skills to cope.

Big hugs!!

Yeah, it can be hard to get used to. I'll have to find that thread where we wrote love letters to our meds. It's like a relationship at times. I just got back together with seroquel after discovering I can't live without him, even if he does make me eat a lot and get fat.

Sensitive, you just gave me an idea of how to start my journal. Writing helps and I am vowing to commit myself to journaling about my illness cos I need healthy outlets.

I've thought the same thing...why can't I be normal without taking a pill?? The only advice I can give you is to embrace the illness...just think of taking that pill, like you do when you brush your teeth.

I'm someone who took a lot of convincing to start taking meds.

What made me think of it differently is knowing that I can't stop myself from trying to commit suicide sometimes, and that it makes it so much easier to not feel so bad. I feel like I'm a stronger person by making the decision to find a combination of meds that works for me and to take them regularly, because in doing that, I'm doing what I can to take control of my moods and of my life. When I take my pills, it's just another part of my daily routine, like bayrabbit said.

I too took a lot of convincing. In 1993, Risperdal (risperidone) was still in testing phases - I think it was introduced in 1994. I was legally of age but had to sign agreement papers that indicated my doctor was using an experimental medication and I wouldn't come back to sue 'em. The pdoc had been having great success with schizoaffective and schizophrenia disorders. I'm dx schizoaffective along with BP so I thought you know .... I'm going to give this a try. It was the firsts time I had ever asked for help by myself (i.e., a parent wasn't dragging me in to be seen!) And it turned out to be really helpful for a long period of time!

Now, I see medicating myself as treating the imbalance of chemicals and misfiring neurons in my brain. I also have a second condition (Interstitial Cystitis) for which I take some of the same meds! I have come to see BP as neurobiological - the emotional is my mind's interpretation of what the heck is going on in that brain of mine!

I do so hope you find meds that work for you! It CAN BE the difference between life and death! And we CHOOSE LIFE!

((((HUGS))))