Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I have been manic for about 8 weeks and the doc has added another drug to my cocktail in hopes of addresssing it. I thought things were getting better but I did the stupidest, self-destructive things this weekend. I'm so ashamed of my behavior. My husband is very patient with me but he doesn't understand how I can do things that end up hurting him and not think about my actions in the moment. I put myself around some bad influences but I'm still responsible for my behavior. It's just frustrating because it's like when I'm in the moment I don't even consider the consequences of my actions...I just act. Overall, I have gotten less self-destructive over the years and getting diagnosed (2 1/2 years ago) has helped tremendously. I just don't understand how I can be so amazingly selfish sometimes and not even consider how it might make others feel. Will this ever stop? I hate embarrasing myself and hurting my loved ones.
Just about ever since I can remember, my father was an angry man. He would usually be quiet and shy acting, but at home you never knew what to expect. He would be all quiet reading the paper one moment, and beating you the next, and you wouldn't know why, just that he was really mad. My sisters and I would literally run when he came down the driveway coming home from work. We would run around the house yelling "Daddy's home!" and scramble to pick things up and hide so we wouldn't be in his way when he came through the door.
I hated him. I thought he was a monster, which was hard because I still remembered a short time when I was very small that he wasn't like that at all. I remembered special times when he would read books to me and he even taught me to play guitar.
Then, after I was grown and moved out, he was dx'd with Bipolar. He went on medication, and I ended up moving back into my parent's house. The change in him was like night and day!
I pretty much instantly forgave him for everything, and embraced my love for him again. I even stuck up for him against my mother and sisters who were still acting like he was still a monster. I had to point out to them how well he was doing and, for the most part, they have left it all in the past as well. Even they cannot deny the improvement.
I was able to forgive him so quickly because the dx made it all make sense. I realized he was not a monster, he was just sick. He was also a victim. Look at how many years he lost being misdiagnosed and unmedicated! He lost his daughter's entire childhoods! The very best years of his life. He did things that he NEVER would have done otherwise.
The point is, for the most part, people are very forgiving and understanding when it comes to illnesses like this. It is usually enough to hear a good "reason" for bad behaviour other than that you are just a bad person. I'm not saying BP is an excuse for bad behaviour, but it makes that behaviour much more understandable.
The other point of this story is that there is HOPE! My father was able to transform from monster into the gentlest man in the world. If he can change, we can change too!