Bipolar Disorder Support Group

Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.

8,884 Members
129,554 Posts
0 Online
Mental Health
/ Bipolar Disorder Support Group

Who am I now?

scalliwag
scalliwag
After a few years of being in an oppressive relationship, whilst also battling my own demonds having bipolar, anxiety and depression, I have now become someone I hardly know. With numbing medication that silences an otherwise bubbly mind, I have also lost my brilliant creativity which was a huge part of my identity and personality. Now Im quiet and withdrawn, I avoid social situations and lack confidence. Even though my ex partner only had good intentions, he suffered alot of depression, anxiety and anger problems and while we were together, I poured all my being into helping him overcome his lifelong issues which were huge and many. It all came to ahead a few months ago when I became suicidal and my parents helped me move to another city where I have a new job and no contact with former friends and ex partner. Have I lost myself in the process? or is it the medication? How can I find my creativity again? Has anyone felt like this?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Your story almost mirrors my own. I decided that, although my medication blotted out virtually all my creativity and quietened me down, it put a stop to most of my terrible depressive bouts and the mad highs. It seemed I couldn't have my cake and eat it, and I have had to adjust to this. You do get used to it, and discover that other self which was actually being suppressed.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I was the same when i was first put on meds but it comes back. ((HUGS))
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yes, it does seem a shame, but antipsychotics do play a part in numbing us to the extent that we're not as versatile nor as creative as we once were. I, personally, miss the mania! I noticed you were on Zoloft and Depakote. Are either of those antidepressants, or are they just intended to reduce your mania? Maybe a good antidepressant would help balance your mood. As for me, I take Paxil and Remeron, both antidepressants, along with Abilify, an antipsychotic. I prefer this regiment precisely because it doesn't reduce my mania down to zero. I still can function with a small degree of mania left for me to enjoy life.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I felt as though my soul had been numbed and my identity erased when I first went on bp meds--celexa and zyprexa--a few years ago. So I stopped using them. Figured I'd rather be ME and fucked up than be a shadow of myself, a zombie.

Now I'm on celexa and seroquel and am not experiencing (so far) the same numbness and lack of feeling like myself.

Maybe you can try a med adjustment?

All the best,
whirl
deleted_user
deleted_user
I remember telling my Therapist and pDoc, "Would you people please DO something! I'm looking in the mirror at someone I don't recognize anymore!" So I definitely relate. It does get better. It unfortunately takes medication, supportive therapy, and a little time. The creativity will come back too. It will be a little harder to access than when you are manic or depressed, but it will return.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yeah. As a cyclothymic, I had to deal with that without any meds. My highs just faded out in my twenties. Gosh that was hard. I went for counseling, trying to explain that I needed to feel normal again! The guy listened to me, then patiently started asking me how many times a day did I need to have this "normal feeling"----

----and I got it. What I thought was normal, wasn't.

I had to redefine 'normal' and 'happy' and 'ok'. And I had to realize I couldn't spend all my time being high. In much the same way that we all eventually have to realize that we can't spend all our lives being 17.

I am diminished. But I'm still here, swimming in the creek at sunset, scaring the fishes.
meme88
meme88
creativity..oh how I miss that part of me..well i miss if am gunna feel sorry for myself I miss ALOT about me..i was out going,I was Very socialable now..culbs Hahah whats that..Maybe its just who i have came to be been on meds since 14..maybe its the meds..but who knows
vickybea
vickybea
yes l was in your place tool'm a designer, l had to keep going to galleries but even then it was hard to motivate myself and when l went l didn't feel the same joy, a certain amount of creativity does return but l've found it depends on what meds you take and how strong the dose too. You can find yourself again but it is like starting over rediscovering this new you the hardest part for me was to stop looking back at who l was and what l'd lost.

l had my meds changed and now l'm a new me again, creative and settled looking at studying and becoming an art therapist so staying in the art field l still have my ups and downs but it can happen l hope it does for you. This is your time to get well and settled so give your meds time to settle in and take your new life from there.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm going off zyprexa and wellbutrin, cold turkey. I would rather be in bed and be myself as the faceless person I have become.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Deleigh, good luck! Have you checked into some natural alternatives? Or, do you practice some form of meditation or prayer that will help? Something about that phrase "cold turkey" just sounds tough!
scalliwag
scalliwag
Thankyou so much for all of your replies. I hope I will find myself again too, but here's a question, does anyone find that Lithium is better than Epilim for allowing you to be yourself/less numbing or is it the same?

To Imiklaucic-yes, the zoloft is an antidpressant and the epilim is a mood stabiliser:)
deleted_user
deleted_user
I take the minimum level of lithium, the minimum level of geodon and I am able to paint and draw to the point of being able to show. Everytime I finish a piece I feel drained and spent but at least I am able to create, able to complete something, able to show. I tend to be kinda freaked out throughout but at least I am able to do it.