I'm so incredibly angry and frustrated at this illness. I have done everything right and I'm still bouncing all over the place. We've adjusted my meds a bunch of times and while I have noticed a positive change, I still feeI so broken. It's been a year and I guess its too much to ask that I have this under control right now. I just feel shattered, exausted, and angry. I feel like an elephant is on my chest and I just can't breathe. When is this going to stop?

My answer right now is to stay on a continuous dose of Klonopin trying to tune out the world but even that isn't working. I don't see my pdoc till monday, and while she's amazing I think she wants to leave my meds where they are for a little while and see what happens. I'm not even sure more/less meds will really do anything. I am losing hope quickly that I can ever live life without the constant cycling that affects everything I do. I am scared of the hopeless feeling because it never leads anywhere good.

I am not planning anything at the moment and have no desire to head to the er, and I'm not sure where calling my pdoc to get me in (esp because it'd be someone else in her office as she doesn't work thursdays and fridays) is really going to help me. Maybe I just need to feel less alone in this, or have a little bit of hope. Sitting here crying by myself makes it even worse.