in these sleepless evenings i find that i want nothing more then to be given company, its not that late here right now, but im usually in bed by then. its a wonder im al ways tired, im always sleeping. specially since im away from school till the fall and dont currently have a job.. i have no reason to wake up in the morning. theres no point to wake up in the morning, i dont get up till about noon. why? becuase i have no reason to. nothing to make life worth getting up in the morning for. i get up eventually because i mean, you cant sleep all day.. can you? i just want to be normal, like everyone else. i dont want to be bipolar, i dont want to be what people call "crazy" or known as a person who should be in a looney bin. i want to be known as me, known as who i truely am, as who i can prove i am me, i want to be able to be honest and tell everyone the truth, not the masked lie i held onto for years. i am finally free to be honest, yet there are not to many words coming out of my mouth. i want to be free. i want to be happy and know that its not ever going to go away.

i want to make my great grandmother proud, want her watching me up in heaven knowing that shes happy im here, and that she knows im happy down here, but when she looks down, she doesnt see me being happy, she sees me crying,because of her. she shes me upset and feeling alone. she sees me wanting nothing more then to be with her up there, and i think it would hurt her, knowing im unhappy down here. i try to be happy, and there are days where i am happy, i just had a four day happy streak, and then i got upset again. i think im on the right meds, but im just not to sure. i dont know. i just want to be better, to be happy. to know that at the end of the day tomorrows going to be here and again ill be happy, ill be joyous. but thats not the case, no its not the case. im scared, scared of this disease we call bipolar, scared of the disease that is consuming my life and that is making me have a hard time in this world. i hate this disease, as does everyone else. but i just dont know waht to do with it any more.

i dont want to take my meds any more, im tired of meds, but can i cope with out them? or is life going to be a constant battle, fighting the symptoms of depression and mania and never feeling stable enough to be okay? i dont want to live in a life where i know im never going to be happy. i want kids, i want a life, i want to be okay, i just dont see a future of it happening, and that scares me. i mean i know im going to have kids one day., i have a very supportive boyfriend whose there with me through everything, and hes great, i love him to death. i just hope that ill never loose him, i dont want him to realize that he deserves better.

sorry i just had to vent