Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
As I've mentioned probably once or twice (srry if it's been moreso, I try not to be redundant because redundancy is one of my pet peeves) I'm pretty far-gone sometimes now.
What in life makes it have A Feeling?????
I forgot.
I'm so bored with even my WILDEST prospects. Whether it's because they're kind of impossible right now or because.... Nothing appeals to me, I just don't really know.
I'm not really excited about the thought of me "getting out of this town" anymore, because daily life anywhere seems kind of hard to manage and enjoy.
Like I said I'm working on treatment! I picked up the Wellbutrin and Depakote yesterday after class, and so I'm on those now.
But Idk. Even queering it up in San Fran or being some kind of urban explorer/trend-setter in New York or like... Canada, all seem kind of... not worth it? But it'd have to be, right? I'd surely be happier in any of those places? One of the biggest cities in America/Canada couldn't be a boring life for me, right? I'm just starting to lose a grip maybe?
I kind of feel like Holden Caulfield, (Catcher in the Rye) and I kind of hate Holden Caulfield because he's a real drag. Ugh.
But when I used to dabble in philosophy (which I don't now, because fuck it, it won't change anything) I had more of a... "colorful" understanding of things, I guess. I probably would've said something about how once you've expanded however far outwards (as far as big achievements, sky diving, landing a new job, living in a bustling city, etc.), you have to expand more infinitely inwards (enjoying "the little things") to find more shit to ponder and be a part of.
But that sounds like a manic pipe dream tbh... I'm not being a good bipolar (if you don't mind me saying) by saying this, but I kind of feel like mania is the answer to really FEELING things and feeling alive.
And it's like... things happen when I'm manic. Again it's the delusions probably, that cr*ck-hit confidence a strong manic phase provides, but I feel almost clairvoyant when I'm manic, like a wizard LOL.
Like (irrelevant tangenty story) last time I was REALLY, truly manic, I would be thinking about something, like, I'd just KNOW in my gut somehow I'd see somebody again, and sure enough, it'd happen. I'd get excited, and the impossible would become possible, and it'd happen. Events would follow my train of thought and flow of emotions, which further catalyzed the mania. It felt like being able to bend the sky.
But yea. It's not healthy to be manic, and I've yelled at people for trying to induce mania or glorifying it (sorry).
I feel like there's gotta be a better way to milk life for all the feeling(s) it's worth.
What in life makes it have A Feeling?????
I forgot.
I'm so bored with even my WILDEST prospects. Whether it's because they're kind of impossible right now or because.... Nothing appeals to me, I just don't really know.
I'm not really excited about the thought of me "getting out of this town" anymore, because daily life anywhere seems kind of hard to manage and enjoy.
Like I said I'm working on treatment! I picked up the Wellbutrin and Depakote yesterday after class, and so I'm on those now.
But Idk. Even queering it up in San Fran or being some kind of urban explorer/trend-setter in New York or like... Canada, all seem kind of... not worth it? But it'd have to be, right? I'd surely be happier in any of those places? One of the biggest cities in America/Canada couldn't be a boring life for me, right? I'm just starting to lose a grip maybe?
I kind of feel like Holden Caulfield, (Catcher in the Rye) and I kind of hate Holden Caulfield because he's a real drag. Ugh.
But when I used to dabble in philosophy (which I don't now, because fuck it, it won't change anything) I had more of a... "colorful" understanding of things, I guess. I probably would've said something about how once you've expanded however far outwards (as far as big achievements, sky diving, landing a new job, living in a bustling city, etc.), you have to expand more infinitely inwards (enjoying "the little things") to find more shit to ponder and be a part of.
But that sounds like a manic pipe dream tbh... I'm not being a good bipolar (if you don't mind me saying) by saying this, but I kind of feel like mania is the answer to really FEELING things and feeling alive.
And it's like... things happen when I'm manic. Again it's the delusions probably, that cr*ck-hit confidence a strong manic phase provides, but I feel almost clairvoyant when I'm manic, like a wizard LOL.
Like (irrelevant tangenty story) last time I was REALLY, truly manic, I would be thinking about something, like, I'd just KNOW in my gut somehow I'd see somebody again, and sure enough, it'd happen. I'd get excited, and the impossible would become possible, and it'd happen. Events would follow my train of thought and flow of emotions, which further catalyzed the mania. It felt like being able to bend the sky.
But yea. It's not healthy to be manic, and I've yelled at people for trying to induce mania or glorifying it (sorry).
I feel like there's gotta be a better way to milk life for all the feeling(s) it's worth.
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Here is my new brother, copper :) He's so tiny! Moo and Tuck were ok with him on first meeting. Rocket due to his severe aggression will never meet Cooper.
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https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTDeA9Wxg/
I no longer feel the need to do dangerous things or move to exotic places now that my meds have cause mostly-stability. I take great pleasure in little things like having an afternoon to watch movies with my husband, spending time with my dog, taking long walks, reading a book, taking a bubble bath, etc. At one time these things would have seemed "not worth it" but they really, really are.
Hope your new meds are a road to stability for you!
hugs
I read something that indirectly relates to it while studying up on sex worker rhetoric (gonna tangent here!), one girl said when she "left" the industry from pressure, she took on an anti-SW stance, and felt bad/angry that... well... she "got her shit together" while other girls wouldn't/"couldn't" do the same, but she THEN goes onto say how the 'whorearchy' and internalized discrimination caused her to believe her work was morally incorrect, and she internalized it, and eventually imposed the same belief onto other girls, by taking pity on them and viewing them as exploited pawns, when really, it's dehumanizing to use another person's sob story (whether or not it actually is a sob story) for your own agenda like that.
Now, why the HELL would I bring this up?????
I see the saaaaame shit in both the complex world of drug addiction, AND in relationships, and when you're as deeply fucked up as I was, you hold a similar position. "I did this" all hoity-toity, "Why can't you?"
Basically a really "get on my level, scrubs" attitude.
I guess to specify, I was mad that I taught myself to not glorify vice and mania, while others wouldn't even try.
But um.... to simplify it, they (ex) made me over-analyze and scrutinize my reasons behind every action, so I did that to other people, and felt a lot of resentment towards people who "give in" to drugs, mania, whatever the vice, while here *I* was (nose in air) putting extreme attention into the detail of every action I enacted, every motive I had, while others (nose still in air) did things thoughtlessly.
Which is an abused/abusive mindset that I feel bad about now.
(and also is an extension of mania, extreme over-analyzation)
Because you really ought to blame the institutions and social constructs (and in this case, mental illness) that keep people going back to those exciting, dangerous things in life.
And over-emphasizing individual blame, like I used to, and that was done unto me, is fundamentally and infinitely UNHELPFUL.
So that's why I said those things lol.
I do yell at people, but not for the same reasons. Most of it's aimless hostility that I don't try to reason with or justify anymore.
SORRY FOR RAMBLES, it's really, reaaaaalllllly difficult to explain why I used to think the way I did. It was kind of cultish, how seriously I used to take things.
Pony and Jenn, I hope we can all three get out of the depression funk some day! Halter is a great inspiration~ *smiles and hugs to go around*
I think it's important that we tell ourselves that this is part of our illness and that there's good treatment for us... When in a depression we often feel as though we've been there forever and that there's no way out and that isn't the truth talking...it's the disorder...xo