Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
What happens when you realize that you will never achieve your dreams? Not even the down-graded ones that seemed, at one time, to be more realistic.
What happens when you realize you will never be able to function the way you once did much less the way you were trying to work toward?
What happens when you realize that your downward spiral is just going to keep on spiraling?
What happens when that light you saw at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a train and you have no way off the tracks?
Sure, I ran out of my meds a couple weeks ago but even before that, I felt this way. The meds just numbed me a little. I spent a week and a half manic enough not to care for a while. Only slept once every two or three days. Now, my crash has left me soaring into a seemingly bottomless pit. I will have my meds back in the next day of two but honestly, I don't think they will change anything.
The only reason I haven't starting cutting again is because my little brother is visiting and I've not had any time to myself in which to do it.
I'm on a long waiting list for a disability hearing. I already spent a year trying and I don't know how I'm going to wait that long. Every single aspect of my life is in shambles and continuing to crumble. I am almost ready to have to sell or pawn most of my belongings. I might even be out on the streets before long.
If I do manage to last long enough to get to my hearing and I get denied, I will probably just end it all. I've fought those thoughts and feelings since I was eight years old. I only succeeded because despite how much I've despised living, I didn't want to hurt my family. Unfortunately, I don't think that will be enough anymore. I've fought for so damn long and I am so tired and in so much physical, mental, and emotional pain. Every day, I wake up in pain and every night, it's the same thing. I just want to rest...even if it means forever. My faith in a peaceful afterlife has been fading for a long time but even if there is no 'better place' to go to, at this point I would be fine with just fading away into the ether.
My body has failed me. My mind has failed me. My heart has failed me. My spirit has failed me. I just don't see the point in living anymore.
I wish I could just bring myself to get in a warm bath with a sharp razor and sleep eternal. I used to always try to find hope that some day if I held out long enough, it would be worth it in the end. That somehow it would make me a stronger person because of it all. Now, I'm not sure if I was a fool or just a coward.
I had to cancel my last counseling appointment and I haven't rescheduled s new one. If I tell her what's really on my mind, there might be a padded cell with my name on it. Sometimes, I feel like that's where I belong but I don't want to die just because unfounded depression; I just can't see that life is worth living. The pros don't outweigh the cons. I don't have anyone to confide in or trust or vent to or love or anything else. And who would be crazy enough to want me in their life if they knew the real me. I have activity pals but I can't ask anyone to bare the weight of sharing in my pitiful excuse for an existence.
I won't end thing today or even tomorrow but if things continue the way they have been, and it seems like they will, then I don't see this playing out any other way. I've already mentally written the suicide notes that I plan on leaving for the ones that I care about enough to say goodbye.
What happens when you realize you will never be able to function the way you once did much less the way you were trying to work toward?
What happens when you realize that your downward spiral is just going to keep on spiraling?
What happens when that light you saw at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a train and you have no way off the tracks?
Sure, I ran out of my meds a couple weeks ago but even before that, I felt this way. The meds just numbed me a little. I spent a week and a half manic enough not to care for a while. Only slept once every two or three days. Now, my crash has left me soaring into a seemingly bottomless pit. I will have my meds back in the next day of two but honestly, I don't think they will change anything.
The only reason I haven't starting cutting again is because my little brother is visiting and I've not had any time to myself in which to do it.
I'm on a long waiting list for a disability hearing. I already spent a year trying and I don't know how I'm going to wait that long. Every single aspect of my life is in shambles and continuing to crumble. I am almost ready to have to sell or pawn most of my belongings. I might even be out on the streets before long.
If I do manage to last long enough to get to my hearing and I get denied, I will probably just end it all. I've fought those thoughts and feelings since I was eight years old. I only succeeded because despite how much I've despised living, I didn't want to hurt my family. Unfortunately, I don't think that will be enough anymore. I've fought for so damn long and I am so tired and in so much physical, mental, and emotional pain. Every day, I wake up in pain and every night, it's the same thing. I just want to rest...even if it means forever. My faith in a peaceful afterlife has been fading for a long time but even if there is no 'better place' to go to, at this point I would be fine with just fading away into the ether.
My body has failed me. My mind has failed me. My heart has failed me. My spirit has failed me. I just don't see the point in living anymore.
I wish I could just bring myself to get in a warm bath with a sharp razor and sleep eternal. I used to always try to find hope that some day if I held out long enough, it would be worth it in the end. That somehow it would make me a stronger person because of it all. Now, I'm not sure if I was a fool or just a coward.
I had to cancel my last counseling appointment and I haven't rescheduled s new one. If I tell her what's really on my mind, there might be a padded cell with my name on it. Sometimes, I feel like that's where I belong but I don't want to die just because unfounded depression; I just can't see that life is worth living. The pros don't outweigh the cons. I don't have anyone to confide in or trust or vent to or love or anything else. And who would be crazy enough to want me in their life if they knew the real me. I have activity pals but I can't ask anyone to bare the weight of sharing in my pitiful excuse for an existence.
I won't end thing today or even tomorrow but if things continue the way they have been, and it seems like they will, then I don't see this playing out any other way. I've already mentally written the suicide notes that I plan on leaving for the ones that I care about enough to say goodbye.
I used to think that I was too far gone for anyone to love. But I was wrong. My kids love me. My family loves me. My wonderfully understanding hubby who still gets weighed down by the reality of it all still loves me. And I bet your little brother loves you.
The meds may take off enough of the edge for you to regain some hope. I pray they do.
As for dreams, I admit I have had to adjust mine. But me new dreams are nice. I want things I cannot have. But I have things that are good. I cannot do everything, but I do what I can.
Keep doing, keep being, keep posting. ((hugs))
I've told people on here more than I have ever even considered telling anyone in my life.
I know there are people in my life that love me but none that truly know me. If not for those select few family members, especially my little brother, there is no doubt in my mind, I would be dead. I would have taken my life a long time ago and many times over if I didn't fear and loath the pain it would cause them. I just don't know how long that will be enough. More and more lately, I daydream and fantasize about cutting and death and each time seems to get closer and closer before I am able to pull myself back. The thoughts were hard enough to resist when I had hopes and fought for those feeling to go away. My hope is seeming more like asinine foolishness. Every time I lower my dreams to what is more realistic, it's not long before the boards beneath my feet break away and leave even those dreams out of reach.
Regardless, I am very grateful for your words of encouragement. I will continue to try to take things a day at a time but each time I fall asleep, part of me hopes I will not wake up.