What happens when you realize that you will never achieve your dreams? Not even the down-graded ones that seemed, at one time, to be more realistic.

What happens when you realize you will never be able to function the way you once did much less the way you were trying to work toward?

What happens when you realize that your downward spiral is just going to keep on spiraling?

What happens when that light you saw at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a train and you have no way off the tracks?

Sure, I ran out of my meds a couple weeks ago but even before that, I felt this way. The meds just numbed me a little. I spent a week and a half manic enough not to care for a while. Only slept once every two or three days. Now, my crash has left me soaring into a seemingly bottomless pit. I will have my meds back in the next day of two but honestly, I don't think they will change anything.

The only reason I haven't starting cutting again is because my little brother is visiting and I've not had any time to myself in which to do it.

I'm on a long waiting list for a disability hearing. I already spent a year trying and I don't know how I'm going to wait that long. Every single aspect of my life is in shambles and continuing to crumble. I am almost ready to have to sell or pawn most of my belongings. I might even be out on the streets before long.

If I do manage to last long enough to get to my hearing and I get denied, I will probably just end it all. I've fought those thoughts and feelings since I was eight years old. I only succeeded because despite how much I've despised living, I didn't want to hurt my family. Unfortunately, I don't think that will be enough anymore. I've fought for so damn long and I am so tired and in so much physical, mental, and emotional pain. Every day, I wake up in pain and every night, it's the same thing. I just want to rest...even if it means forever. My faith in a peaceful afterlife has been fading for a long time but even if there is no 'better place' to go to, at this point I would be fine with just fading away into the ether.

My body has failed me. My mind has failed me. My heart has failed me. My spirit has failed me. I just don't see the point in living anymore.

I wish I could just bring myself to get in a warm bath with a sharp razor and sleep eternal. I used to always try to find hope that some day if I held out long enough, it would be worth it in the end. That somehow it would make me a stronger person because of it all. Now, I'm not sure if I was a fool or just a coward.

I had to cancel my last counseling appointment and I haven't rescheduled s new one. If I tell her what's really on my mind, there might be a padded cell with my name on it. Sometimes, I feel like that's where I belong but I don't want to die just because unfounded depression; I just can't see that life is worth living. The pros don't outweigh the cons. I don't have anyone to confide in or trust or vent to or love or anything else. And who would be crazy enough to want me in their life if they knew the real me. I have activity pals but I can't ask anyone to bare the weight of sharing in my pitiful excuse for an existence.

I won't end thing today or even tomorrow but if things continue the way they have been, and it seems like they will, then I don't see this playing out any other way. I've already mentally written the suicide notes that I plan on leaving for the ones that I care about enough to say goodbye.