I feel like I am gonna loose my family...after the my recent actions over the last week I don't believe that my relationship is gonna make it and even though part of me feels that I shouldn't be with someone cause all i have done is damage and distroy whatever good relationship i once had.

I am not sure why I think and do what I do sometimes, but at the time it seems right, then after I realize what I have done and by then sometimes it's too late. This week I told my partner that I was gonna leave our son alone because I had the urgency to have leave the apt so I could work out. Deep down I guess I knew it could have been wrong, but I felt like that is how everything had to play out. I never ended up leaving him, cause my partner rushed back home from his docs appt. cause it was worried our son would have be unattended to. I know I would have realized what I did and came right back if I did leave him. However I know it still doesnt make it right and I am deeply outerly disgusted with my actions and I wasn't in the right mind frame.... OVIOUSLY!!!

This story is pretty lengthly and I can hear my son stirring soo I have to cut out the small parts and get right to it.

I was suppose to have an appt with my mental health nurse that does home visits, but I was sooo out of it that I told her I couldnt be there cause something came up and that needed to cancel for the 4/5 time in a row. She ended up calling here after I left...cause I did end up leaving after my boyfriend arriived home. I just had to get out of the house. The whole time I felt like a piece of shit and totally guilty for how I had behaved, but when I do this shit I have to let it ride out /play till the end.. anyways he talked to the mental health nurse and told her what had happened and shr suggested that i go to the hospital and talk to the crisis team/psycitrist on call and speak to them about what happened and how they can help me.

So the next day something was arranged at the local hospital by me andi spend the most of the morning out try to help myself. Later on the next day my partner didn't leave the th water for the bottles ready, like I usually make sure to do and my son was crying his face off for nearly over an hr because I had to prep and wait for the boiled water to settle to room tempture so I could mix his formilla and by then I was right pissed off that his father had been on porn sites rather than fixing his bottles. He says how he hates to hear him cry, so it sure felt like he didn't care if I had to hear it. He can just rush off to work while I deal with his error. So I sent him a text and told him he better work his ass off this weekend or else I am leaving and taking our son with me to live some where. I don't mean take him and not see him ,just not live together as a family nemore. I also send him 2 voicemails recording the crying of my son so he could hear our son upsett instead of running away from it. I didn't think it was fair to me to have to deal with it, when he was home with him all morning and could have had it done. Instead he went on his usual porn sites he goes on and says he forgot about the water thing...I could have understood if it was because he was doing something important, but to me pulling ur knob is not as important as making sure a child has food prepard for him. I called him a prick and went on in the message about his the porn site and basicelly freaked on him..

Well now things are worse then ever and I pretty certain were not gonna last I can feel it in my gut, I can feel my heart slowly starting to tear and how my image of our wonderful little family is now soon gonna vanish. I am soo scared too everything and somehow I can't shake the fact that if I didn't have the problem that do then we would be sitting here happy right now instead of angry ,hurt and miserable.

I don't trust my partner I guess that is why I get soo pissed when I look at the history and see that he is on a porn site/sites. I know everyone has needs and It normal to look at porn.. Hell I do it too at times.. The problem is I found old videos of him with other girls , taped of him have sex with one. pretty graphic photos of others and this was still around and on the computer in OUR apartment where it was easy for me to find. He says he forgot and it was in the past.....but it should have been gone. Now I can get the pictures out of my mind and can't shake the images from my mind. PLus i caught him jackin off a couple times instead of helping me do house work, he looks at girl that are his friends and jerks off to them and told me he wont...and talk to a girl was basiclyreading to flash herself on cam at any given moment......he stopped talking to her and told her it was because of my illness and hormones to why he cant be friends wtih her....I WAS quite affended

so that is why i dont trust him now.. i had all the trust in the world for him before this all happened, now I dont think of him the same way anymore and Idont know if I ever will...even if he stopped the behaviour.

lots has been said so hope someone out there can give me advice

thanks