I'm miserable tonight. I have a disability that effects my leg and I can't drive. My dad took me to a neurologist appointment a few days ago. It was a complete disaster. He needed to leave at a specific time so he wouldn't be late for work. He was nasty and impatient with me the whole time and then he harassed the secretary at the front desk telling her I needed to leave. He even went so far as to call my cell phone while I was in with the doctor and leave me a message in a threatening tone telling me to "get up and leave right now". I did come out on time, but because I paid attention to the time not because of his harassment, I didn't even find out about his behavior until I was on my way out.

I called my mom tonight to ask her for a ride to an appointment after this incident with my dad. She made me feel horrible for even asking and then proceeded to list all of her responsibilities and priorities right now. I came in last on the list. She said she doesn't have time to help me and doesn't know when she will. When I got off the phone with her and told my boyfriend how upset and hurt I was by the conversation he gave me this big lecture and then started yelling at me. He said that I act like a little kid instead of an adult and that I need to learn how to get along in life without my mommy. He said people can't just drop whatever their doing just because I have a doctor appointment. He also said that my disability isn't "that bad" and there are other people more disabled than me out there that seem to be doing just fine. Then he told me to get out and that he didn't even want to look at me.

I feel useless and worthless. Obviously no one cares about me. Why is it to much to ask for to be loved by my own family and to want them to be there for me? To have my boyfriend make me feel even worse about it is like a slap in the face. I feel like I don't have anything going for me. I'm only 28 and my health is horrible and they still don't know why, I have BP so there goes the mental health. What does that leave me with? I feel completely unloved. I wish I could just be normal like everyone else. I want all those normal things people take for granted that I envy a job, driving a car, a paycheck, a nice apartment, money for my bills. What is wrong with people that they think I want to be like this? And why is it that I'm a big pain in everyone's butt because I need a little help but then they can't be bothered to help when it might mean figuring out what's wrong with me and how to fix it? My moods are totally off the wall these past few weeks. I have the urge to cut again and I can feel myself caving. I don't think I'll ever be better at this point. I don't know if I care anymore. I give up. I wish I wasn't here. I just want it all to stop.