can we say that there is another good reason that you have until april?? so that you have a chance to try getting your bp more under control?? take this time to come up with a plan so you will know just how to approach your next pregnancy?? lets talk if you like.......

Thanks JG, you've been great to me. I'm too emotionally exhausted to talk, I can just ramble. But I'm not suicidal, and I wasn't back when I posted all those questions in my journal. Really. I'm just a slightly morbid person, I guess. Well, yeah, a little suicidal occasionally, just a tad, no biggie. At least lately. Or maybe I take as normal stuff that others know are a problem? It wouldn't be the first time. I've actually not mentioned being suicidal to my therapist of five years (and I spent a better part of those being VERY suicidal) because I figured that's understood, and there's no need to mention. This was years ago, though. OK, now I'm rambling...

go ahead and ramble... im listening... i must be slightly morbid.. cause i think i 'get it'

Well, here's a ramble: I am really scared for my work. It's been two years since I've last been productive. I don't know why they keep me there. I don't see when I'll be back to normal. And I can't afford to get pregnant and be MIA again, without making up for at least some of the missed work. At least I get ideas now, but to follow through... The last month has been great, I actually did a little work, but these last two days have shattered my confidence again. If I do get pregnant, and I deliver, and I go crazy again, how will I save my job? It does me no good to have a kid and then live under the bridge.

My mom's coming Monday, and she'll stay till September. I hope she'll take over some of the childcare, so I can zomb-out at home. This is what I miss the most - being able to just zomb out, and come back when I'm able to.

I guess I'm not made for working and procreating at the same time. Yet I can't live without either, and neither can be postponed. Maybe mom is the answer.

Take that time to work things out. I just got out of the hospital after 6 weeks of in and out and attempting suicide once. Off work but my boss really understands and has been more help than the docs. He suffers dp. I felt like half a man because I wasn't there for the family. Didn't have to worry. My six year old understands daddy's brain is sick and my wife loves me any way I am. She knows the man I can be and is helping me get back there as best I will be. I have to rely on friends and family to help and that's hard. But you know, when I am open and honest with them they understand. You sound like you have a good mother. hang in there.

Thanks, northreco. Yes, my mom is paradoxically good. She spent my childhood abusing my brother and me physically and emotionally, yet all along, she would have done anything for us. Now, she's there for me, and she understands. Who would have hoped for that? I really think she suffered from some illness herself, that is obviously better now. Or she grew in some way. A year and a half ago, she actually apologized for all the beatings she subjected us to. Not many people do. I think she would have apologized earlier, but I wasn't ready to accept that then.

Been there. My dad was an alky and has all the signs of bipolar 1. Not accepting treatment because that will stop God's voice from talking with him. I forgave him years ago after we had a heart to heart. My family is miles away so I built a support group from my congregation and people from work. They tell me when I am slipping out. It helps. Plus I tell my docs EVERYTHING that goes on in my cranium. Only way they can help me, they aren't mindreaders. It's worth the fight. Remember YOU deserve it and your family does too. hugs

my sister is in the same boat.. only she's due in september with her first. she is her own housecleaning business so time off is money gone and likely lost clients. that cant happen! so she is taking a medical transcriptionist course from home so that she will be able to work from home with the baby and actually make some good money with benefits... i don't know what you do now.. but i wonder myself about work like that..

I am senior research staff at the University of Chicago. Got my PhD in Physics some years ago. Now I'm working on curing breast cancer. But I'm not tenured faculty, and I'm not even on tenure track - could not handle the stress, probably. So my contract is now renewed every two years. And it can only take so much damage. My brain has been MIA for so long. No results, no papers...

Additionally, I make twice as much as my husband makes. I pay the rent. I pay for food. He can't make much more than he's making now without moving across the country, and even then it wouldn't be _that_ much. I would still take the family leave, even though it's SO MUCH money lost, but what I am afraid is that it won't be enough time for me. If I get as crazy as I was last time (which won't happen, no, it won't), I'm toast. I am so scared of ending up on disability.

I've heard of women working from home with a baby. How do they do that? I was never able to. But then, I wasn't medicated. My daughter's almost two, and I don't think I'd be able to work from home even now. And I _am_ medicated now.

JG, do you know how much the transcriptionists are paid?

im not sure at all... i can ask my sis if she's researched it...

I've seen a reality show where the woman works as the transcriptionist. She had two or three unruly kids, a husband that doesn't help at all, and she worked at night when everyone was asleep. How do people do it?

I also have a friend who's an MD/PhD, she gave birth during her residency, went back after six weeks, and these are KILLER jobs, night on end with no sleep, now she's a fellow, gives talks, does research, goes to conferences, and her hubby plays golf, tennis, and goes for fishing trips. And she's not depressed. I'd be crazy. How does she do it?

Also my neighbor gave up nursing, went back to work after 8 weeks. I could NOT have done that. Like I said - not meant for work and procreation at the same time.

although i have not tried it, i dont believe i could either.. women who can run like your friend amaze me...

Went back to nursing 6 weeks after my son was born as a preemie. Found myself climbing the walls. Only did 4 nights 11-7=day/night no different as he fed every 1 1/2 hours for the 1st 4 months. He would fall asleep from eating and wake up hungry back and forth. Then had to switch to daytime hours. Usually am more manic tho...but was climbing the walls being a milking machine. Not a bad person or mom, just needed to use my brain more especially in the beginning.

Also needed the money...that was almost 28 years ago and MD visists weren't covered. 3times a week cost lots. He was 7 weeks early but 5lbs 4oz 21"-but didn't know how to suck or stay warm. No body fat.

Its amazing what you can do...usually its the fear before hand thats the hard part. And full term babies are so much easier usually. My daughter was. 22 months apart. Born less than a month before my 30th birthday. My therapist thinks the way I worked, kids, taught Sunday School, 12 kids afterschool was because of my BP=wouldn't have been able to do it without that energy. Yeah, got grumpy now and then, worked 6p-11:30 once school aged and got to bed around 2ish so was tired but swam mile/day and was in good shape physically. Just grumpy now and then.

Don't know if that helps, but would advise not trying to play superwoman like I did in the 80's. By the end of that era had a 60hr week salaried job and one day got up and said thats it. I quit. Young teens, my dad almost died 3 times that year and working for a Fortune 500 company. Stressed to the MAX. Chose to live my life and smell the roses.

Sorry, real long.

But you can do it if I could.