All - Thank you for your replies.

I think that is a good idea to volunteer at the VA or maybe some other crises center. I can help to heal myself by helping others. I am still very raw and unhealed. See my real depression came on last year with the loss of my career and the loss of my other coping mechanisms. I found no outlet for the pressure that I found myself in.

For my career, the hypo-mania was seen as an excellent thing and often regular working hours when "over there." I was praised and given awards for some of my actions while in mania. That overshadowed my intention to jump off the back end of the carrier at night without my float coast and EPB.

Where am I now... I am not sure. I was in a maniac status for about four days now I am in a depression - again. What's the line: "Hello darkness, my old friend." I am also doing some self-harm. I am not eating but one meal a day and only consuming about 800 calories. I have dropped, 50 lbs since I started about two months ago. I use the pain from hunger to help me deal with the mental pain. Is this nuts? Should I tell the shrink (two him two weeks ago and didn't seem to care) and therapist.? I know you'all will say yes, but I want to keep the pain. I need it to help get through the day. Often I go to restaurants and smell the food to increase the pain. Is self-harm nuts or am I?

If we are uncurable... how do I survive? How do I compensate for this?

Also, nobody call the call the cops. I am not a danger to my self or others. This is why I don't trust the doctors. I can never fully be honest or open with them. I had them call my work and cause a lot of problems and lots of questions. I learned my lesson that day. Stay safe so no one calls.

Spencer

We have a treatable disorder..... It's often compared to diabetes..... There is good treatment and stability to be had

The best advise I can give you is accept and work with it not against it

Gentle hug.....xo

Spencer,

This is an anonymous Support Board, nobody has your phone number or address....we don't call the cops on each other. We all have down times, vent to each other and try to be supportive in as much a way as we can.

Treatable mental illness is just like treatable medical illness, you treat it, manage it, and learn how to integrate your daily life with your managed illness. It takes time, learning coping skills, behavioral skills, working with your Pdoc and Therapists and time to get it all meshed together.

None of it's easy, but like most things, you get out of it what you put into it.

SunCloudJD / OlderCPer - Thank you for the information. My hand shaking started well before this mix of drugs. The PDoc last week doubled the Lamictal, and some of the shaking went away. This drug is supposed to have as a side affect hand tremors. So doubly what was supposed to make it worse, make it better.

I hear you with the talk about accepting your fate. A book that is pretty famous in 20th-century lit has a statement that A=A. No matter what you try, no matter how much you lie to yourself, A still equals A. I need to follow this dictum, A=A.

For me, I will go on Terminal Leave on 2 Oct and then final retirement on 2 Nov. I once I get on terminal leave some of my stress will go away. I have been under such personal stress since Oct of last year it is hardly capable of seeing the old me. I have had such disappointments over the last year that I nearly ended it. What I need help with is accepting A=A

Last weekend, I was in a manic state for about four days. I did things during that short mania phase that I am not proud off - sex with someone outside my wife (and in a dangerous fashion), doing odd projects around the house, writing hundreds of emails at work that were poorly worded or reported things that I thought had occurred. When I had my coping mechanisms, I would not do this. One was running, one time I went out for an evening run and called the wife when I was 30 out of the house, I had to run back. Ended up two states over. Came home and still couldn't sleep.

I "accept A=A," but I still have a lot of anger. Anger at God for giving (infected?) me this, anger at my self for how I have acted, and anger that I don't know what the future holds. My retirement changes everything in my world, and I have been in for 32 years. My last interview was when I was 15... and now I am 50.

I will still be confused until I get out. This transition is not good for my health as there are so many moving parts.

Spencer

I was born with several Genetic and Chronic Medical Illnesses that were degenerative as I got older so I always had to plan/adapt my life around situational limitations. Being DX'd BiPolar at 20 added another component of adaption....and had a childhood full of various forms of traumatic abuse, more adaption and compensation.

I'm also one of those geeky high IQ/high functioning types, I knew regardless of physical, medical or mental illness I had to work, use my brain, not doing so was not an option....if I were to stay sane, but once again had to plan a Profession around Medical limitations that would only allow me to work for a certain number of years in certain fields. So I spent 12 years in University getting 3 Degrees in 3 different Professions, so when I had to retire from my chosen field of Psychology at a relatively young age, I had backup Professions to work in, i.e. Computer Science and Accounting. I'm semi-retired, I work part time as an Accountant. All of it was planned around the limitations the medical illnesses and BiPolar imposed on my life. I've always had a career where I could work from home if need be and always had a career were I could work independently or for a Company. Also, I've always been in Management or had people work for me and not worked under someone....because I do better at being the Boss than being Bossed. lol But all of it was planned around the situation of my Medical and Mental Health. In the last 18 years I've had 31 surgeries, and in the last 20 years I had 5 Inpatient Psych stays, some lasting months. I was always the wage earner/provider in my family, so my career had to be flexible and allow me to work from wherever or take time off when needed. I also had 2 sons to raise, they're now 28 (just out of the Army National Guard and a Firefighter) and 20 (In 2nd year of University).

For me, living successfully with BiPolar had to do with a lot of planning, understanding and accepting my limitations and how to live with them, and learning every possible Therapy, coping skill, and behavioral skill that allowed me to have long periods of Stability. I'm also very aware of my Triggers and avoid them. I take care of me, because taking care of me, allows me to take care of the people in my life that rely on me to take care of them. I also Volunteer a lot in the Psychology field, it keeps me in touch with the career that I loved, and I find that helping others tends to keep my mind not so focused on my own issues.

Its not the same for everyone, its situational and everyone has to figure out the best way that works for them. The thing that is relatively the same for all is utilizing as many resources, therapies, treatments and skills that you can, because that is what gets you to stability. Learning your Triggers and being aware of them and avoiding them can be a game changer. And coping skills can be anything that help you. When I have a stressful day at the office or my employees act more like kids in a daycare than a group of educated international adults, on my way home I stop by the local Animal Shelter and spend about 15 - 30 minutes in the "Kitten Room". Our Animal Shelter is like a 5 Star Hotel for critters, and there's nothing like hanging out in a room full of cute cuddly baby kittens, crawling and falling all over you to wipe out the stress of the day. Won't find that 'coping skill' in any Psyc Text Book, but its one of my favorites.

I was diagnosed only 2 years ago and after finding the right med for me found stability. I've been stable for months now and haven't have any depressive or hypomanic episodes. I am currently able to work a part time job and take care of my kids. One thing that has helped besides my meds is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I've learned coping skills to deal with my emotions and stress. I hope you find what works for you!

i was diagnosed 40 years ago still on meds i can not do without them and do not want to try no vacations only off when too manic or depressed to want to or be able to take them i was on disability for years now retired according to social security i no longer HAVE to take meds and see a doctor but i will the meds do not work well but there it is i have had this all of my life and control it well but here are times like the past 3 years that i need help so i am lined up for therapy may work may not been on my own all these years and it is what it is meds for life