Well, I just talked a little about this in my comment to Flat Line. It's a rotten feeling and I know about that shame, but it's more common than you think and I know I don't have a personality disorder. I just need my meds to keep me thinking straight.

I sometimes wish I didn't have my children because I'm such an aweful Mom to them. You should never be ashamed of your thoughts, this is a powerful disease. Usually personality disorders have the same theme as fear of abandonment and the ways they have of coping with those feelings are unhealthy.

I feel like you do today. =) I know how you feel. And tombe....I hope you didn't take my post seriously about Spanish, if you read me on the boards and heard me speak ya know I always try to be encouraging. I was just being sarcastic. he he :P

sorry about what u r goign thru. U might want to check with ur doc. May be ur meds need to be tweaked a lil. Take care hon. U have afamily. Love them. There are many who want a a family and cant have one or dont have one. U will do fine. Chekc with ur doc and also exercise. Love.

cb72 - it sounds like severe depression. Please tell your doc. Your body/mind just can't handle all of it right now. Meds will get you back up & running. But you have to tell him. No one should have to live that way. There is hope....really.

I know exactly how you feel. I feel like this sometimes. I can be awful, and am often ashamed of the thoughts I have. They are just thoughts, however. I try to change my thoughts, sometimes it works, sometimes not. I have definitly had the urge to get in my car and drive and never come back....

sometimes meds are not enough! I know that when I am angry and hit a bottem like you have just described means that I feel something in my life is out of my control.
A old tool that I used to get my way in those situations was anger. I could then bully my way thruogh situations where I thought I could control them. A terrible way to live.
What I did to the people around me was terrible. I needed to find a better way to think. I sought help through different tharapists. and took my meds as prescribed. I dont feel like what you said very often but now I have tools to get new ideas and thoughts into this brain of mine.
Hope that helps matt

cb -- Call the pdoc first thing in the morning -- let them know this is an emergency call (after all -- a couple of days ago you wanted out -- that IS an emergency). Meds aren't the only answer, but they are the fastest answer.

Then, if you aren't already in therapy, do yourself and your family a favor and find a tdoc. It's a great release to have a safe place to get these feelings all out with someone who has the training to help. Hope you feel better real soon.

I get the "empty" feeling when I'm at the bottom of the barrel. If it gets too bad (suicidal) don't be afraid to check yourself in for safety. They can also be far more aggressive with med adjustments inpatient too.

Thank you all for such supportive replies. I don't want anyone to be worried, I am not (overly) suicidal. It's just occasional. That's not what I meant by "out". I meant something like a 'reset', a start over, going back to how things were, or even starting a whole new life. I've been much more suicidal before, and I was honestly less disturbed about it. This past week, I could have honestly said that I hate other people, indiscriminately, and that to me is disturbing. I've also had some very disturbing dreams, which also make me question my humanity. Did I just break a record for using the word "disturbing" the most times in a paragraph?

I did call my pdoc Friday. I was due to start lithium Tuesday, and I called to get my prescription early. It's supposed to take forever to start working, but even before I took the first pill, a sense of calm started growing. The hatred and meanness are still stronger than the calm, but it's much more bearable.

Also, today I got an 'I apologize' card from my hubby. I had the sense that he was just too proud to say 'sorry' in counseling, rather than being totally oblivious, which would be unbearable and hopeless. But that's just the backdrop. The main problem, right now, is in my head, and it's slowly being taken care of.

Thanks all for listening. This experience, of not being a member of the human race, was very tough for me, and it still is, and I can't wait for it to go away.