Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I am truly using this to vent...you don't need to read this whole thing. I couldn't put this on my blog...because my little cousin (who some of this about) has read my blog before. Putting it in my journal doesn't feel like enough of a "yell" right now.
I am really hurting right now. Something is very off again. I feel very anxious and spacey. My cognitive skills are way off. I feel out of control and like I am getting the flu. My body is buzzing. I am sad...sad way down deep. I woke up 2 hours too early this morning...afraid...sweating. My doctor was going to add more Trileptal and Synthroid...but "I" held off - it felt like more would be the wrong move - I have major med issues. I held off...just 2 days before this all started. My only med that was changed was my pill and I think that is the problem...but don't seem to have anyone to listen to me about that. I suffer from PMDD..but that's for another time.
Not only do I feel the spiral happening...but there is a train wreck already in front of me - that train wreck is my family. My cousin, her husband and their kids are in such bad shape...and with me doing so poorly - I don't know how to cope with it or help them. My cousin is my best friend and more like a sister. 6 weeks ago her husband tried to kill himself. They have 3 kids. The oldest is 18 and a freshman in college...we are very tight...and I have been calling a few times a week since she doesn't have the couping skills to get through this tough time with her Dad. She herself is bipolar and I could tell she was heading in a bad direction. Drinking WAY too much and calling me at odds hours...sleeping all day. She had been hospitalized before for cutting. I had not heard from her in a few days and I had a feeling that things were getting bad. Then I saw that her facebook update said that she was "home". Sure enough...she called me tonight on her way to the hospital. She had been cutting herself again and it was getting out of control. She is also abusing drugs/alcohol. Her voice was very calm - but I think she is just relieved to get help and say "when". I hate the hospital she is going to - I was there and had a major issue with my doctor (later learned that that doctor was being sued and it was not just me!). My cousin and her husband were the ones who got me out of there! I don't understand this choice. I am afraid for her. She will now be with the adults - different game. She was there before - but with the kids. Ugh.
All of this just 6 weeks after her Dad tried to "check out" on life. I don't know how they are keeping it together. That night was terrible. My cousin called me with a oddly calm tone - telling me that her husband had disappeared. She stayed on the phone with me for almost 2 hours...all the while I am looking at the clock thinking "call the police" - she finally read me an email that he sent her a few hours earlier and it was clearly a suicide letter. The gun was gone. She asked me if I was emotionally well enough to handle the call if her husband (who I am very close with) had blown his brains out. She literally asked that -in those words. My hands were shaking and I could tell that my body/mind was over-loading...but I had to be there...and I need to be there now. I would have it no other way. With that said...I am NOT doing well here people. I can't handle stress like I used to. My hands are shaking as I write this. I fired my shrink last Monday due to lack of funds and because he wasn't a fit for me. Before him I had the same doctor for 12 years - so I don't want you to think that I am manic and acting erratic (even my pdoc agreed with the choice). I just don't know what to do with all of these emotions and "hurts". Work is super stressful and my boss is starting to see that something is wrong. The back-story to my boss is long - but I was facing Disability Discrimination with her - so it frightens me if she sees me struggling. I am very good at putting a face on...and I don't like when my pain shines through no matter what. My anxiety is sever at the moment. I need for the tears just to overflow. I have left messages with a few friends...I need to get it out.
If you did bother to read this...thanks!
If you want to learn more about me and my backstory...check out my profile...which has a link to my blog.
I am really hurting right now. Something is very off again. I feel very anxious and spacey. My cognitive skills are way off. I feel out of control and like I am getting the flu. My body is buzzing. I am sad...sad way down deep. I woke up 2 hours too early this morning...afraid...sweating. My doctor was going to add more Trileptal and Synthroid...but "I" held off - it felt like more would be the wrong move - I have major med issues. I held off...just 2 days before this all started. My only med that was changed was my pill and I think that is the problem...but don't seem to have anyone to listen to me about that. I suffer from PMDD..but that's for another time.
Not only do I feel the spiral happening...but there is a train wreck already in front of me - that train wreck is my family. My cousin, her husband and their kids are in such bad shape...and with me doing so poorly - I don't know how to cope with it or help them. My cousin is my best friend and more like a sister. 6 weeks ago her husband tried to kill himself. They have 3 kids. The oldest is 18 and a freshman in college...we are very tight...and I have been calling a few times a week since she doesn't have the couping skills to get through this tough time with her Dad. She herself is bipolar and I could tell she was heading in a bad direction. Drinking WAY too much and calling me at odds hours...sleeping all day. She had been hospitalized before for cutting. I had not heard from her in a few days and I had a feeling that things were getting bad. Then I saw that her facebook update said that she was "home". Sure enough...she called me tonight on her way to the hospital. She had been cutting herself again and it was getting out of control. She is also abusing drugs/alcohol. Her voice was very calm - but I think she is just relieved to get help and say "when". I hate the hospital she is going to - I was there and had a major issue with my doctor (later learned that that doctor was being sued and it was not just me!). My cousin and her husband were the ones who got me out of there! I don't understand this choice. I am afraid for her. She will now be with the adults - different game. She was there before - but with the kids. Ugh.
All of this just 6 weeks after her Dad tried to "check out" on life. I don't know how they are keeping it together. That night was terrible. My cousin called me with a oddly calm tone - telling me that her husband had disappeared. She stayed on the phone with me for almost 2 hours...all the while I am looking at the clock thinking "call the police" - she finally read me an email that he sent her a few hours earlier and it was clearly a suicide letter. The gun was gone. She asked me if I was emotionally well enough to handle the call if her husband (who I am very close with) had blown his brains out. She literally asked that -in those words. My hands were shaking and I could tell that my body/mind was over-loading...but I had to be there...and I need to be there now. I would have it no other way. With that said...I am NOT doing well here people. I can't handle stress like I used to. My hands are shaking as I write this. I fired my shrink last Monday due to lack of funds and because he wasn't a fit for me. Before him I had the same doctor for 12 years - so I don't want you to think that I am manic and acting erratic (even my pdoc agreed with the choice). I just don't know what to do with all of these emotions and "hurts". Work is super stressful and my boss is starting to see that something is wrong. The back-story to my boss is long - but I was facing Disability Discrimination with her - so it frightens me if she sees me struggling. I am very good at putting a face on...and I don't like when my pain shines through no matter what. My anxiety is sever at the moment. I need for the tears just to overflow. I have left messages with a few friends...I need to get it out.
If you did bother to read this...thanks!
If you want to learn more about me and my backstory...check out my profile...which has a link to my blog.
Here's a prayer that things improve for you and that you and yours are in safe place.
Cheers.
And feel free to vent here as much as you need to.
Sorry you're getting so slammed with painful things.