It sounds like whatever's going on isn't related to work but is affecting work. To me it sounds like you're going into severe depression. I mean, whoever heard of anyone NOT feeling like planning their wedding?
So get treatment for the depression and things should be looking up.

Wow, I applaud you for giving work another shot, but I gotta say, I totally understand if it doesn't work out for you again. Try not to feel bad. Disability can be an opportunity. I'm doing my own work. Besides music gigs I am writing my game. Other people here do volunteer work too. It doesn't mean you are useless or not a "normal citizen".

Maybe it is the transition that is hard, and it will get better. How long have you been back to work? If it hasn't been long, you might try to ride it out, but if you just can't do it... that's ok. Don't beat yourself up about it. People tell me I'm a good person, and I haven't been able to work in almost a decade. I'm still productive in my own way.

Alice

I'm desperately trying to find a pdoc...there aren't any accepting new patients around here so far. I'd love to work on the depression part.

I've been back to work for about 2 1/2 months now. I keep trying to contact the director of the department to adjust my schedule and change what role i play in the dept. so maybe it'll work out better....but she's not returning my calls.

Sweetie,tommy might be right..it's just a temporary thing.

But also remember,sometimes no matter how hard ,or how much we want it...work is just not something we can do.

It is not a reflection on your character..it's the illness.

The thing is that I absolutely love what I do. I help more people and have a better sense of satisfaction from working than I get from anything else. For some reason my brain is just messing me up.

I know if I can't work that I can still manage to live. But I just wanted so badly to be an average working person...doing what I love.

Hana, I am sorry you are struggling sweetie. I agree with tommy in that it may not be the work driving your emotions but the depression. I remember when I was your age and had small children at home. It just seemed that the responsibility of it all was so very overwhelming. I admire you for trying and fighting to stay in the game but you have to take care of you. Its important that you find a pdoc. Who is prescribing your current meds? Talk to them and see if they can help you adjust them for the time being or if they can help refer you to a pdoc so you can get in somewhere. The pdocs here dont take patients unless they are referred.

Your best defense right now is not to be down on yourself but to try to counter your feelings with positive ones. Focus on all the things that you do that bring value to your life and all the things that bring you joy. I have never been one to give in but in my life have found that sometimes it was just inevitable. With therapy and the right meds, I am able to work and still continue to raise my family. It isnt always easy but very doable. Therapy has been a Godsend for me in that respect.

I will be thinking of you. Hugs

I know. I'm going to try to get back to work though. Hopefully I'll get through to my boss and work something out. I'm trying not to beat myself up about it, but it's just so discouraging that i made it back to where I was and now I may have to go back.

Thank you all for your replies. xoxo

Hanna, try not to focus on the fact that you may not get back to work but that you will work through this and you will be able to continue. It is always better to have hope that drives you rather than defeat. You are not defeated here, you are just in a stall of sorts. That IS part of the disorder and the part that is sometimes most difficult to accept. Dont let it cause you to give up or give in but let it drive you to feel better and move on in what you are doing. You will feel joy and motivation again. Hugs

I think you should do everything you can to keep working..for morale, for everything. It's great you've regained some ground.

Times where you feel as you do are to be expected, unfortunately..it's about employing all positive strategies to weather them & prevail..not be knocked under.

If you're smoking pot, kick the habit...benzo addictions, alcohol..anything contributing to malaise.

Yoga, exercise...help with the apathy & poor mood.

Wish you the best. Think you have a fighting attitude.

sounds like a lot of stress there hanna =(

eventho you love what you do and want it so badly stress can throw you into that nasty side that we all hate. it is very stressful to plan a wedding as well. no matter if it is 10 or 200 people. is there any way you can delegate at work or with the wedding? that could be very helpful.

hang in there hanna, you made it through the dark side once, i know you are a strong person. get the right help and tie a knot and hang on.

hugs and kisses

Hanna, you can do it! like everybody has said, it's tough, but you did it before. you can do it again.
i think it's great that you're able to work, and that you've got a wedding coming up. just fight thru this depression, sounds like that is what's goin on. and you'll be on your way.
we're all here for ya, to help you thru this shit. good luck, and let us know how you're doing.

I let my hubby's grandmother arrange my wedding for me. It was small, but lovely. Very intimate. I agree with jaimieson... try letting other people do it for you.

I've been married twice. The first was a big fancy wedding that I did most of the planning... huge failure and tons of stress... i ended up crying all day on my own wedding day!

The second, the small one I didn't plan at all, was a great success and it was like having a party thrown for ME, not ME throwing a party for everyone else.

(((hugs)))
Alice

I know how you feel hannah... I have been doing great and working out everyday, have lost 25 pounds and was feeling extremely energetic and then lately all of a sudden I want to sleep more, I have gained 5 pounds back and i'm wanting to binge it. I have no motivation for anything once again and I feel disguisted with myself. There's never any meeting in the middle on my moods and emotions. Friggin sucks dont it?