If you're recognizing this pattern Jen maybe it's a good time to start to work on it....

A huge fight would take 2 people so just don't fight back.... They may get louder before they will accept that there are new boundaries in place however if you stick with it you can change things for yourself.... Big hug.....xo

I'm hanging in there. The weekend started out rough.

I often think of things much later than when the topic is current. I mull over quite a bit. Ruminate. Plus, my memory is sketchy at best.

Soooo ... Jenniferswe, I was trying to put myself in your shoes and finally recalled the place in my life where I felt trapped, used, without any due respect, and all the weight you carry that comes from being 'there'.

What got me thru it, and out of it, was planning and preparing my (our, actually - me & 4 kids) escape & independence. There may be snags in the road, but keep focused on the plans & goals to get thru them.

Some things you can look into while you're waiting are local housing and other assistance programs, a budgeting plan for the future, picking up items you will need (utensils, towels, any kind of "home" things, and packing them away so you are able to just grab & go when everything comes together for you.
When we did it, we were able to move the 5 of us, and a large part of a household, during the 8 hours ex-hubs was at work.

Preparing and planning was a lifeline for us! It took a while, but it gave me the strength inside that I needed to keep living and it made the effects of being in that situation more .... hm.... more superficial - it didn't hurt so much because I had a future without that treatment to look forward to.

Maybe doing something like this can give you armor against the harsh words and forced labor. It's kind of like, "Yeah, enjoy this now, guys, cause it's not gonna be here later."

Thank you.

Changing the narrative sounds like a good idea to me. I don't know so much that you're being treated like a slave, but people can do things for themselves, you don't always have to "do what they want" especially if they're capable of doing it themselves.

Perhaps asserting yourself in these situation, in small ways at a time, would be a good way to get you in a better position. For instance, the next time Grandma tells you there's no sound or fix the sound, simple tell her how to do it and say your welcome. Then walk away so she doesn't get her chance to argue with someone. If it's just a matter of, "umm..see that blue button with the up arrow on the remote, press it until you can hear the TV as you like."

Inserting simple instructions, instead of just getting up and doing it for someone, teaches them not to be lazy and expect everyone to do things for them, and it gives you a chance to calmly say your piece, then walk away without an argument. Same with your son or grandma if they ask for things they can get for themselves. There's no need for you to be doing for everyone if they're fine to do it themselves. Grandma can get her own glass of water, she'll have to be able to do for herself if you move out, so might as well start slowly making those changes.

With your son it may take a little more time and action. It depends on the kinds of things he expects you to do for him. And it might require you to take time to "teach him how" telling him I'm teaching you how to do this, so next time you can do it by yourself, because your old enough to do so. It might even require making a list of where things are kept, if he has memory issues. But once again, if you make small changes and stop doing things just because they order you too, that's how change is done. I'm pretty sure grandma won't sit there all day with no sound on the TV once she realizes your serious and you aren't going to do everything for her any more.

Take care,
Kat

I've tried changing the narrative with her. She then says we have 30 days to get out or that she going to start throwing our away. To keep a roof over our heads I have to keep her happy.

My son and I have section 8 voucher but so far there aren't any apartments available in the county the voucher is for. We are on a lot of waiting list.

Being confrontational isn't always a good thing.

The lazy people I was referring to aren't just family. I'm talking about the rude, lazy Walmart employees I had a run in with and others like them.

I didn't mean be confrontational, I was thinking more calm and rational.

Question? You've lived with her for a long time right? And you've not agreed on everything through this time. Her threats of "get out in 30 days" or " i'm going to throw your stuff out"....has she ever acted on them? Ever thrown something out...or has it ever gone past her blurting out "the 2 mean things that she knows scares you"?

This is going to seem ... well, prally manipulative (?) or 'just wrong!" but with the gentle behavioral modification techniques mentioned it comes to mind, and can actually be really super effective.

Have you ever seen the old Bobby Darrin/Sandra Dee movie If a Man Answers? Oh man. The woman who plays Endora on Bewitched (if I am recalling correctly) plays the character of mother to Sandra Dee's character who is unhappy with her hubs inattention. The mom gives her a book on dog training!! She does things like rewarding positive behavior with kind words and such and it is actually working until -plot twist - he finds the book, right? lol But, seriously, this can be a very gentle way to reaffirm kindness and consideration which diminishes the contrary behaviors and produces a happier , more loving atmosphere for everyone involved. I know how this sounds. lol But I do highly recommend the movie. It's a cute movie, either way, but I honestly think it would help you - and all your family - to be in such a better place - literally and figuratively. :D

Me again. I thought of a good real world example of this in action so thought I better add it. Bit of an extreme make-over you could say. lol

I worked as a casino dealer for several years. One of the ladies that came to the blackjack tables frequently was a curmudgeonly, bitter, grump. . Kind of resembled the Throw Momma From the Train lady but better hair and not overly loud and wearing those big framed black glasses. Never smiled or had a anything nice to say to other patrons or employees. The general consensus was "I don't know what the deal is, but I can't stand her."
Now, I absolutely LOVE people like this - for several reasons. They must feel as deeply alone as I do. I admire their tenacity to hold on to this self-protecting demeanor for literally years.(I can't endure, myself). They are so challenging! If you are able to even put a tiny chink in that kind of armor you have really accomplished something good, I firmly believe that people feel better around happy people and that happiness and kindness is contagious.

You could see that everyone around her would sort of have this bad comradery that excluded her as tho she was the opposite end of the magnet that pushed them away and solidified the grouping of their negative attitudes about her - if you can picture.

So, it was my mission to get past the wall or at least get a little crack in it that would allow her a little warmth and light in her life. Even if it only lasted a moment. HUGE goal.

Everytime we were on the same table, I included her in the general conversation. I have a habit of finding something about people to honestly compliment people on, and teslly, there is always something nice that you can sinceraly day you like or admire or that suits a person well. Always. I included Marie just like I did with everyone while everyone else avoided any conversation with her. She was seriously blunt. lol

So, each time I was dealing at a table she was at, I'd ask her "How've you been doin', Marie?" or if it were true, I'd say something like "That blouse is lovely! It really brings out the color of your eyes." just rather casually and like I would do with others, all mixed in with my normal joke-y schtick stuff. Instead of making the effort to avoid interacting, I just kept leaving the door open for her with an implied welcome to step through if she might ever want to.

Now, for a good what? year and a half? I consistantly treated her with as much kindness, humor, attention and courtesy as I did with the rest. For a good year and a half she would respond by looking at me as if I were an annoyingly persistant, snot-nosed seven year old. lol Once in a while with a disapproving grunt or short retort. That was a standard. Once in a while a vitriol comment about how about what bad hands I always dealt or how annoyingly happy I always was (standard reply "Can't be helped. My blood type is B positive!").

She was at my table one day, and it was one of those really rare days where the cards were laying down beautifully for the players and I was pushing the chips out, we were all ('cept Marie) joking and laughing and actually as much or more real "play" going on as opposed to just "gambling" (which can be very awful, intense, sad, and can seriously piss people off).

For the longest time, Marie just sat there, quietly attending to her cards. Then, she said, "I know I don't ever say anything nice to you, and I probably shouldn't now & jinx things, but you have been dealing really good hands." HALLELUJA!!! Right? Everyone else at the table sort of froze, all eyes on her, stunned. I jumped right in with "Well thank you, Marie! I really appreciate you saying that!" and I guess I was smiling bigger than Texas right then. lol Then everyone regained composure from the shock and were agreeing (both with the fact that it had been going pretty great and that yeah, it was likely to jinx it - but in a laughing way that showed that it would be okay if so.

With everyone at the table being regulars that night, when they were seated with Marie later things really changed. I wasn't the only one saying, " How ya doin' today, Marie?" and she gradually shook off the harsh, bitter demeanor. She began and continued to be engaged in conversations, began smiling, and then laughing aling and eliciting laughter. It was one of the most beautiful and impacting transformations I've ever seen in a person.

So, you can care and kindness people to the point that it is actually nice being around them, and it grows in them and reflects back to you and everyone around them. Sometimes it is a lengthy endeavor,

She hasn't act on any threats with me but she has thrown out her own son(my ex husband). She does scare me. I am nice to her but she's pretty set in her ways.

Finding another place is the best solution.