A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying Jesus is watching you. He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, Jesus is watching you. Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that? he hissed at the parrot.

Yep, the parrot confessed, Im just trying to warn you.

The burglar relaxed. Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?

Moses, replied the bird.

Moses the burglar laughed. What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?

Probably the same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus, the bird answered.

Dad's new Ipad - In German, but watch it - very easy to understand.

http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/

Q: what did one braless depressed boob say to the other braless depressed boob?

A: if we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

Not a joke, but a true story my ex told me years ago. Playing golf with a bunch of buddies, there was a port-o-potty in a nearby tree line on the way to the green. There was a large gust of wind and the door flew open and everyone in his group got an eye full of some poor guy on the other hole taking a dump. In that situation what do you do, pull up your pants or finish your business. Talk about a stressful shit, LOL!!!

What do you call a cow after she's had a calf?





Decaffinated

An old blind cowboy walks into a sallon an seats himself at the bar

After a few minutes he asked if anyone wanted to hear a blonde joke.
The woman sitting next to him tells him hey cowboy you ought to know the bartender is a blonde with a bat. I'm a blonde powerlifter and my friend is a blonde with a black belt in karate. Do you still want to tell that joke?

He thought for a minute and replies well not if I'm going to have to explain it 3 times.

3 men walk into a bar - the 4th one ducks.

The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

When does Mother's Day come?



9 months after Father's Day!!!

Whats the difference between your wife and your job? After 10 years your job still sucks

What's the last thing you usually hear before a hillbilly dies?

Hey y'all.. Watch this!

Masochist: Whip me!

Sadist: No.

#25 lmao

this is long but bear with if you feel like it

three mice walk into a bar and are getting drunk, and decide to one-up each other.

the first mouse says, when I get home, I'm going to take that cheese right off the trap and eat it in front of everybody

the second mouse says, when I get home, I'm going to take that poison and stir it up in a glass of milk, and drink it in front of everybody

the third mouse gets up to leave and the others laugh. They say, where are you going coward? He says, I'm going home to fuck the cat

you can pick your nose
you can pick your friends....


but you can't wipe your friends off on a wall