Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I feel like I need to escape for my mental health. I'm being serious here, and a lot of thought has been put into it. You could call it an obsessive thought, even, and you'd probably be right.
This needs to be done right, and it needs to be done only one time. Sloppiness triggers my anxiety and would probably ruin the whole thing.
Money is the first concern. Would it be illegal to use student loans for this? I mean... What other loans are there? I don't have credit. I've never paid off a loan, my student loans have forebearance because I'm in school; I have tons of medical debt, but I've been told that shouldn't muss with your 'credit score' much or lenders, because most people understand that it's very rare that a person with a lot of medical debt is able to pay it all off in a timely manner, on their own.
Remember that I've been denied for SSI w/ benefits (Medicaid) and Medicaid by itself, and my mother's insurance doesn't allow for piggybacking after the age of 19, under any circumstance.
I'd need money and a ride. Those are the main two. Connections and networking would be important probably too.
I can't work in the traditional sense, so the money would have to last a while whenever I get out to wherever until I figure out something else.
Also though keep in mind my schooling would be "9 circles of hell"-level fucked-up if I just left. One reason is for being... AWOL, I guess, another is living with my mum is a huge factor to the specific variety of student loans I get.
The second biggest concern would be medication. I'm dependent on pain therapy and psychiatric medication, I wouldn't last even a couple of days on nothing at all.
But really those are the only two. If SOMEHOW I could cover costs of travel/rent/medical expenses for 2-3 months (is what I'd be comfortable with), I'd leave like a thief in the night. And I'm determined. And I will. But I have to plan wisely...
I see no way out, though.
I need help and serious suggestions only. Thanks for reading this, if you've made it this far.
This needs to be done right, and it needs to be done only one time. Sloppiness triggers my anxiety and would probably ruin the whole thing.
Money is the first concern. Would it be illegal to use student loans for this? I mean... What other loans are there? I don't have credit. I've never paid off a loan, my student loans have forebearance because I'm in school; I have tons of medical debt, but I've been told that shouldn't muss with your 'credit score' much or lenders, because most people understand that it's very rare that a person with a lot of medical debt is able to pay it all off in a timely manner, on their own.
Remember that I've been denied for SSI w/ benefits (Medicaid) and Medicaid by itself, and my mother's insurance doesn't allow for piggybacking after the age of 19, under any circumstance.
I'd need money and a ride. Those are the main two. Connections and networking would be important probably too.
I can't work in the traditional sense, so the money would have to last a while whenever I get out to wherever until I figure out something else.
Also though keep in mind my schooling would be "9 circles of hell"-level fucked-up if I just left. One reason is for being... AWOL, I guess, another is living with my mum is a huge factor to the specific variety of student loans I get.
The second biggest concern would be medication. I'm dependent on pain therapy and psychiatric medication, I wouldn't last even a couple of days on nothing at all.
But really those are the only two. If SOMEHOW I could cover costs of travel/rent/medical expenses for 2-3 months (is what I'd be comfortable with), I'd leave like a thief in the night. And I'm determined. And I will. But I have to plan wisely...
I see no way out, though.
I need help and serious suggestions only. Thanks for reading this, if you've made it this far.
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Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
I'm bipolar - duh; have had (at least) 58 jobs in my life, 30+ homes/living quarters, you know...have lived here now for Just over 3 years, which is the second Longest time I have lived Anywhere, since leaving for college. (I am 50 now, and Trying to be stable)
...the need to escape, is part of my particular manifestation within the bipolar. So I have run away several times. Often was because of a guy, but I'm thinking that was just the trigger for me, not the Cause. No, I needed to Escape; that, I get.
Example #1 - ran away, took a bus trip across the country, had enough money but didn't plan to Stay away, so came home after a couple of weeks. Seriously in debt, but was nice trip. Completely manic. Did not help me at All, but nice scenery.
Example #2 - ran away in car to Florida, not enough money, had to work for one week at a diner, stayed with friend later, many problems, but was nice trip. Completely manic. Did not help me at All, but nice scenery.
Example #3 - ran away in foreign country, lots of crazy faith in God/Higher Power, stayed with strangers, no money, many problems but was nice trip. Completely manic. Did not help me at All, but nice scenery.
Example #4 -ran away on bus again, no money, no fear, this is getting old.....homeless for second time, many problems but was a nice trip. SOBER, after the first couple of weeks. No mania, stayed there 6 months, learned a Lot, nice scenery.
I lived through it all, yes (my guardian angel is Exhausted, haha) Voltaire, I have 'run away' from one thing to the other, many other times in my life, that resulted in complete lifestyle changes for longer times, you know....but "me" went with me. it's not a fun choice....actually, I get that it's Not always a choice, in that way.
I really, really, REALLY get it. On many levels. And I was thinking about something, right this minute, that I Never would have thought about as a younger person.....Talking to someone - oh dear God, hopefully someone with a Brain and some compassion - about your plans. To explain the thinking, and to go over details.
Not your Mom, if she is a drama queen or not understanding; not your pdoc, if they will just lock you up; but Someone who is not bipolar.
Someone to whom you can say, "Hello; I'm going crazy here, need a Break, need some time off, maybe a couple of months in the Peace Corps or maybe a friends' house, or Something before I get Four Shades of Desperate". - and they will Hear you, and understand what desperation Looks like, and know you need a Break - something more than just a hospital stay or more meds. Does this make sense at All?
I Wish I had felt sane enough, earlier in life, to talk to the Right people about how I felt when I got desperate. (Not MY mother....oh dear lord). Maybe I could have had some help to do something Different, but Just as Different as an "escape", to get myself back Together. You know?
HUGGGGGGGS - there are always doors that will open if you did something like that, but I no longer trust those crazed people out there on the Road, you know? People who are waiting to make us a statistic. :(
My response will probably be a little scattered.
Firstly.... I trust you're probably wiser since you've done this a lot of times.
It's extremely likely that I will regret it, get hurt, gain nothing, dig a deeper debt-hole. My philosophy now............ is not to avoid things, but to accept that if you continually veer off towards a particular road, you're probably just going to have to end up experiencing it firsthand before you're 'over' the impulse, and so it's better to do it that way.
A lot of this too though IS impulsivity and a trapped feeling/emotional clausterophobia. There's a dichotomy of the way people are seen in society, and even on a micro-scale, in my own family.
For those bipolar/disabled/mentally ill, I think sometimes the path towards carving out a niche for yourself is not linear.
It would've been cool if I could've gotten a PhD like all three of my cousins I'm sure eventually will, but right now I'm not on-par to compete with that, or to aim for it.
I can be a crazy-ass now, I think, and go back later when I'm less sick and try for something more conventional.
I'm not afraid for my own life or safety at all, beyond the honestly kind of shallow not wanting to be in dying pain because I don't have access to expensive modern medicine. As far as getting hurt/taken advantage of, I'm not worried. I've been in a considerable number of emotionally torturous situations, I can do it again however many times I need to to get where I need to be. And I'm in control. No matter what happens to me, I did this to myself. I almost think if something drastic happened, it'd be easier to swallow than years of depression and ambiguity.
Not to make light of absolute tragedy. But my 'tragedies' have been far, FAR easier to make sense of and 'digest' than my depression. My mental illness compartmentalizes it all, so for a while if something really gets to me... My feelings will split into obsession//hatred//apathy.
Eventually, it all boils down to a very kind of shitty, boring truth. That was shitty. That person was shitty. I didn't deserve that. So even things I compartmentalize, I can eventually come to very comfortable terms with.
Idk. I know for some people it's not that way, but for me personally, nothing is worse than being bored and backed into a corner at the same time.
But it goes back to my main point that I'm trying to sum up, which is that it's about the journey. I'd like to learn somethin' from other peoples' impulsive decisions, but I don't think I will.
I'm glad you're safe. And you did say you learned things on some of the 'trips' and generally had a good time.
Getting onto the second bit, which is talking it over with somebody, (continued in next)
The thing is I know they don't agree with me not working, and they don't believe that mental illness is seriously this difficult to 'work around' and really it boils down to me being too ashamed to tell them where I'm at until I've already 'done something'. I'd probably call them from my room the day I moved out. I feel too guilty to tell them I'm still not working and still have never had an actual job. Right or wrong, I can't say that.
Plus I don't like talking to people until there's good news, or at least, different news.
Because "Hey I'm thinking about doing x" or "I'm seriously considering" or "Hey I need" "Do you think I should..." gets old after a while, especially if you're at an impasse to where your opinions are both starkly different, and there is no compromise or discussion that can be yielded from it.
I'd rather not speak to anyone in my close inner circle or my immediate life about it.
I've done the same thing as Mary Anne... I gave away almost all of my possessions and moved to another country and thought getting married was a good idea to someone I 'met' online...sigh
The problem was it was a fantasy and geography.. I took everything inside with me and couldn't escape it
I ended up in the hospital for almost a month
Where No One Knows Me
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8lGDsuALCsU
I mean I guess a lot of it depends whether you're having an internal conflict or an external one. For most people it's usually some mix of the two. I don't really have any doubts that I could at very minimum eliminate a good deal of my triggers, this way. I'm trying to be realistic, I mean I know a lot of it is mental and will "follow" me.
It's not really so much a ditch attempt to 'escape' my whole life situation as it is to decrease the daily wear and tear of remaining in the situation that I'm in right now. Bigger changes will take a lot more than geography can do, but daily occurrences can be altered by changing your day-to-day happenings. What you do with your time on an every-day basis adds up to a sizable effect on a person's overall mental state. Things work this way even in therapy.
Jan- you moved to another country to marry this guy???? o: I hope the overseas hospital was at least nice. What country, if I'm allowed to ask? I'm sorry that didn't work out. That sucks. I got catfished online at age 14 and haven't really done the whole online dating jig since.